SNOW + lots of gingerbread = christmas heaven

merry christmas from sundance!!! wish you were all here.

so much love to all,
jooj.

as many of you may have heard...

the lovely black volvo was stolen late saturday night while i was working at mr. yogato. stolen off the streets of DC. and i had accidentally left my phone in it too, so yes my phone was stolen as well.

yes it is an unbelievably frustrating event. i feel utterly violated, and the night itself was horrid as i frantically tried to find a way to tell the police the license plate number (which i hadn't memorized) - the 911 dispatcher wouldn't take the report until i had it. very difficult to be done when mom and dad are in tahiti and i have hardly anyone's number memorized, aside from lincoln's - who spent over an hour with me in my search, and gave me general calming support. thanks guggle :) the saving grace came from the combined efforts of dear friends xarissa and natalie, the former of whom was randomly with me at work that night, stood with me through the whole thing, and had natalie's number in her phone, whom i called to search my room for the license plate number, which she miraculously found, and then drove up (in her pajamas, because i had woken her up - it was about 3am at this point) to dupont circle to take me and xarissa home. so thanks to these 3, i survived the night :)

and thanks to my roommate's family, i have this awesome hunk of american glory to drive around for the next few days:


AWESOME. i admit the humor of me driving around in this is not lost on me, despite all the current frustration and stress :)

one year later, to the day

so exactly one year ago i posted the results of a haircut. today i post the results not only of a haircut, but also my very first venture in coloring my hair! i have always wanted to dye my hair darker, and i finally took the plunge. hard to get a good photo of the exact coloring... but what do you think?

huzzah!

this particular huzzah is for thanksgiving of course :) today i'm celebrating with leslie (HUGE huzzah for that) and lots of the horn clan. it's really nice to be back in the US for thanksgiving this year - i have spent many of them abroad as of late, and though the one year in paris was particularly wonderful, i admit there is nothing like being on american soil for such a day. it's an incredible feeling: you know everyone in the country is celebrating today, everyone will be gathering to eat together in some fashion. i love the care and concern everyone shows in demanding if you have a place to go for thanksgiving, and opening up their homes to anyone who doesn't. how often does that happen? i think this holiday is the best thing about the ole' US of A, and something i sincerely miss when away.

plus thanksgiving is a wonderful excuse to be calm and positive :) i'm afraid i've exuded too much negativity in my blog lately, or in my life in general - certain friends have had to deal with it much more than they should, and in the spirit of thanksgiving, i am eternally, eternally grateful for the patience of such friends. yes things have been rough-going since moving back to the US, but of course it has not been all bad. there are numerous reasons for me to be grateful for my move to DC. i listed quite a lot of them a few blogposts back, and i still hold to that list. it's just that there are real moments when it is admittedly hard to remember such things... but once again, that's the beauty of this holiday which is dedicated solely to that purpose, to remembering beautiful things in our lives and actually feeling gratitude.

lincoln was inspired when he instituted thanksgiving. perhaps i should go back to his memorial next week and thank him in person... it still is quite possibly the most beautiful spot in DC. truly. plus it reminds me of mom :)

je me sens [un peu] déprimée

and despite all efforts, i can't hide it from my blog. you see, a wonderful position i was supposed to interview for at the gates foundation today had been cut from their budget last week - but they decided not to tell me, but keep going through with the interview (now an "informal introduction") and put me through a horrid emotional roller-coaster... as if i have not had enough in the last months.

this position i work at currently at johns hopkins is fine and good - but it isn't "technically" full-time (even though i seem to work 40+ hours/week for them) and the funding is in such a tenuous place that i have absolutely no future security with it. i still need a real job.

and after so much work, i've fallen up short. still. i still feel in limbo, and am confused on where to go from here aside from starting all over again at the same place i was half a year ago. at the moment i have zero strength to go through it all once more, and feel like a mountain retreat into sundance is all i'm good for right now. it's very difficult to keep faith at the moment, though i feel i have been sincerely trying. am i simply not trying hard enough? it makes me question what exactly i am doing wrong...

oh, sad face. i reeeeally need to hug stella or sadie right about now :) so happy for thanksgiving next week so i can see moo, parkie and audish.

p.s. i do still find DC beautiful and do think living here is wondrous: i just wish i actually felt i 'lived' here...

p.p.s. there is a shred of hope that a job in new york may work out, so yes there is that. insha'Allah insha'Allah.

with a clenched soul

there are so many people i miss (even though i'm technically "closer" to home back in the US.) (although of course there are many people still across the pond whom i miss dearly.)

but i especially. really. really. miss the kids sometimes. sad face.

post-election aftermath

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

thoughtfulness

i am so struck at how thoughtful people can be. yesterday was my birthday, and i was so touched by all of the well-wishes and kind gestures extended! i heard from friends i haven't spoken to in years, and i love to see how people can reach out to each other, even in the smallest way.


such dialog between individuals is just as beautiful as the fall colors around my house right now. i took these pictures yesterday, and honestly - gorgeous, no?

some patriotism for election day

or if you're feeling patriotically german....

new blog!

huzzah! the project i used to work for at BYU, the WomanStats Database, with the ever-incredible dr. valerie hudson, has started a blog!

check in for incredible information about the way women are treated around the world. some of it will truly astound you, in both good and bad ways.

from "waking life"

"there are two kinds of sufferers in the world: those who suffer from a lack of life, and those who suffer from an overabundance of life. i've always found myself in the second category."

or to complicate it further, perhaps i'd consider myself as one who fears the former, and doesn't entirely understand what to do when confronted with the latter.

also

"the trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. because, if you can do that, you can do anything."

yes. exactly.

exhibitionism

isn't it incredible how many people in the last months have started blogs? they are such a bizarre form of communication, or self-expression.... i fear sometimes that in constantly turning around and re-telling our lives, we lose some of the power of lived moments for what they are. it's like mom always used to say "don't be a slave to your camera" - not living the moment through your eyes but trying to just capture it in an artificial form... how often are we slaves of the idea of possible future story-telling? i don't think that all blogs are simply about exhibitionist self-absorption, but the boundaries between private and public have never been so blurred... i am still so surprised when people say "oh yes, i saw that on your blog" - but then again, why write a blogpost if you have no intention of anyone seeing it?

at the met this week there was an exhibit of the work of giorgio morandi, a reclusive italian modernist painter whose work i greatly admire. at one point he said:

"[compared to other italian artists of my generation], i was still left in peace, perhaps because i demanded so little recognition. my privacy was thus my protection, and in the eyes of the grand inquisitors of italian art, i remained, but a provincial professor of etching at the fine arts academy of bologna."

do blogs immediately make us all great demanders of recognition? and sometimes i wonder if i'd prefer to be more protected in my privacy.

oh well :) ultimately i'm happy that because of blogs, i can see this. and this. :)

il y a un an

i've been thinking of year-marks, where i was a year ago, 5 years ago etc etc.... it seems fall is always when major things happen for me in my life - ali says it's because it's when the school year starts. probably true :)

but i go to new york tomorrow (!!!). it was a little over a year ago that i was there last - august 2007 with dear sara, now on her mission in texas. i love this picture of us with ali outside the Met. such beautiful memories!

see you all in a week.

it's all too much

you know that beatles song on the yellow submarine album? the tone and feel of that song are so entirely à propos at so many points in my life. i love the line "show me that i'm everywhere and get me home for tea." :) brilliant paradox, in feeling absolutely everything at once, seeing objects and experiencing moments where you simply burst with feeling and yet you remain beautifully, peacefully, in the quotidien. (do we have that word in english? we should.) it's similar to one of my favorite (and oft-quoted if you get into conversation with me) lines of literature ever:

"one wanted, she thought, dipping her brush deliberately, to be on a level with ordinary experience, to feel simply that’s a chair, that’s a table, and yet at the same time, it’s a miracle, it’s an ecstasy." (virginia woolf, "to the lighthouse")

my life in DC is coming together: pieces are falling into place and i feel like this last week was my first proper week of "living" here. it made me very happy, and i feel more grateful than ever to be where i am. driving across the key bridge today into georgetown, with the monuments to my right, the gorgeous fall trees spilling into the potomac to the left... i was quite awestruck at how beautiful it is here... how much is happening around me and how grateful i am to be in the midst of life... i want to make a list of things which have particularly struck me this week, things which make me happy, contented and overwhelmed with gratitude...

1. beautiful music filled with joy: arvo part, lavender diamond (and ali for introducing me), fleet foxes (and toni for also making this introduction)
2. my access to a car (mom and dad for making that possible through tireless efforts...), a bike, and a metro - i've never been so mobile
3. W;t (please do anything you can to watch this - i must dedicate a full post to it at some point when i'm more prepared, or even know how to process my feelings after watching it into words... and xarissa, who introduced me to it)
4. the UNFPA and Johns Hopkins for hiring me on this amazing fistula project
5. wordreference.com for helping me in countless ways while i've been translating this insanely large document into french for the project listed in #4
6. mr. yogato, also for hiring me - it's a source of lighthearted fun in days otherwise filled with research and translation work for other jobs... it helps me pay for utilities and rent and gets me to the lovely DC area of dupont circle nearly everyday
7. skype, for making distances feel less extreme
8. faith, for bringing perspective
9. oxford, for giving me so much last year, and for their consistent willingness to take me back
10. green-templeton college at oxford, who has generous doctoral studentships for students in the history of medicine which could help me get back fully funded
11. dr. dave anderson, my professor at oxford, for telling me this in an email a few days ago
12. the national gallery, for being so close - just knowing it's there across the river brings unmeasured comfort
13. natalie, for being the kindest and most helpful housemate on the planet - tip to anyone who is moving to DC: try to move in with natalie, she will do everything to help you out
14. The New World: Extended Edition (as if it could get more beautiful)
15. perspective
16. EngenderHealth for inviting me to come to new york next week to discuss my fistula work
17. dear friends like steph who live in manhattan and open their doors to me
18. memory
19. possibility
20. trader joe's banana, flattened

and everything
everything
everything

that make up days upon days... that make life at once so normal and approachable - so banal and ordinary, and simultaneously so precious and overwhelming that i'm forced to admit "it's all too much." my life really isn’t that glamorous, but i’m quite grateful for the simplicity. i like to feel peaceful and at home in the everyday, not try to escape.

my first love

molly sent me the most incredible package in the mail this week: a photo shoot of dhani harrison from "fashion rocks."

i hope when i return to oxford in 2 years he still lives nearby... is he not so completely dreamy? i admit i'm disappointed i didn't meet him last year, but can keep hope for our future... :)

(and do read the quote at the bottom of the photo on the left. amazing.)

where i live

after returning from the west coast, i promptly preceded to make something of my little living space in arlington, virginia. i thought i'd post some photos... mostly for mom, les and steph as they are probs the only ones who care :)... eh voila:

my house from the street, built in 1939. (so many trees right around! and still just 10 minutes from the city!)

hallway opening up into my (very small) room (which i love) (i like quaint, little spaces.. it's all you need, right?)


and my room, from one angle and then the other. the pics on the wall are my own which i had printed out - except the large eiffel tower canvas which i bought :) you know how i love the aesthetics of winter trees. and paris. so of course i snatched it up immediately.

i'm standing right at the end wall of my room trying to take the photos, which explains their awkward closeness... haha, the room is just a bit too small to get wide-sweeping-interior shots! it's perfect :)

also, i must say that i've really become aware of how important it is to feel at home in your space, to feel it is your own. last year i lived in college accommodation at oxford and could do nothing really to the hideous furniture, dingy carpet, and blank walls. it was never an inviting or comforting place to be - but at least i did have the whole city of oxford to spill out into :) now that i'm in DC and trying so hard to be settled here, i really felt it was critical to feel some part of myself in the physical environment of DC... i want to feel comfortable and make some semblance of a home for myself. i think in this sense it's then easier to not miss what i left... :)

i borrowed this photo and quote from friends (hope neither of them mind) (but they're both so beautiful in a particularly ordinary way)

i think that the basis of human happiness ought not to be what you hope will happen but what you, appraising your life, can be glad has happened.
- marilynne robinson.

(p.s. happy birthday to mimi and elliott tomorrow :) love you both dearly and glad we'll be family forever)

probably the last time i'll ever wear a dirndl

aw, shucks

hey thanks everyone for such kind comments on my post on fistula below! :) everyone is so kind in blogosphere. and it means a lot. so thank you - i didn't expect to elicit such a response! c'est gentil. :)

more fistula

i didn't have anymore luck on the job front today, but something even more exciting occurred...

you see, my dissertation at oxford was about obstetric fistula in niger. (click on the words to find out more if you don't know what it is, and forgive me if you've heard all this before) the point of my research was to critique NGO policy programs designed to eradicate and repair fistula in Africa, which i felt gave an undue emphasis to cultural practices and thus ignored physiological realities about the injury - in short, western organizations were perpetuating colonial medical rhetoric that "africans are sick because they have an inferior culture that we need to fix." instead of tackling biology of fistula, they attack cultural problems like early marriage which have only a slight correlation to the injury. the real problem is lack of emergency obstetric care for all women from age 15 to 50. i wanted to make this clear in my dissertation by providing the demographic information of over 400 fistula patients in medical files on fieldwork in niamey, niger.

so.... today. i met with a woman at USAID who happens to work on fistula. i told her about my dissertation and she nearly jumped out of her seat with excitement - she said this is exactly the research that is needed, that i MUST PUBLISH IMMEDIATELY, and that fistula programs are trying to move away from this early-marriage-narrative and look at the actual reality of fistula patients. however, large-scale demographic studies have simply not been conducted, and so the hard data isn't available. until now! until i copied down all those medical files into a handy excel-spreadsheet and gave the data to back up the biological truth about fistula, and in so doing actually help change fistula policy.

i sent her my dissertation immediately after the meeting, to which she replied that my work will be a "GREAT contribution to this field," and asked if she could forward it on to all her colleagues in the fistula world. i.e. all the policy makers i was aiming my dissertation at. i.e. my research was worth something and will actually be read and used by people who work on these issues.

i.e. AMAZING.

sorry if this is a self-indulgent post, but i figured i'd put up some success story from my time in DC after my downer post yesterday :) plus i am more and more ecstatic thinking about the implications of this... that things may actually happen because of research i did with the handy help of ali :)

hope everyone else out there had a beautiful day this certain september tuesday...

i know i'm impatient, but really.

i am learning the hard way that not everything in life happens on your timeline.

for example...

i first arrived in DC on august 3rd. i still don't have a job.

i was living out of a suitcase on kind friend's couches until just 2 days ago, september 20.

despite finally moving and "settling" into a home, we have no gas in the house until wednesday.

and we don't have internet until the 29th.

so i walked over a mile through (admittedly beautiful) suburb streets of arlington, virginia to a coffee house with free wi-fi so i can continue my daily never-ending routine of job searching/networking/selling my soul to email as i contact every single person in the DC area with connections to africa or health.

walk because i also still don't have a car - not because of any lack of effort on dad's part (thanks a million dad), but because car shipping trucks don't acknowledge that utah exists, and therefore stop there only once every 648 years.

anyone who knows me (or simply glances at previous blogposts) knows that mentally i am still in europe. i am trying to feel settled in DC, to really feel at home here without daydreaming of magdalen deer park or corippo. but everything seems to be against me! i mean c'mon! i was so happy that we'd finally be settled in a house, but it's not even fully functioning, so the excitement is quite muted at this point. i just want to call DC my home if it really will be my home.

oh DC - why don't you want me?

winter must be cold for those with no warm memories

but memories (especially recent ones) can also be devastating sometimes... at moments (like right now) i wish for nothing else than the ability to once more step a few feet to stroll through here...


or pass by all souls...


or sit and read/eat/do nothing here.

(yes i miss oxford.)

back to waitressing

i laughed when i got a waitressing job in provo after getting a BA, and now it seems a bit more tragically hilarious that i should become a waitress yet again after getting a masters. but hey - i take comfort in the fact that my incredibly intelligent and talented professor at oxford did the same thing when she arrived in DC looking for a job after serving in the peace corps. (the peace corps, by the way, is what everyone says is the number one ticket to fast employment.) (then again people say the same thing about a degree from oxford.)

so.

i missed out on a really great job while in switzerland (don't worry, it was still worth it and je ne regrette rien!), and have exhausted a lot of my possibilities. it's a tough tough world out there for finding jobs, and my optimism is waning. i still think i can find something, but it may take awhile longer yet, and i don't want to be waiting around beating my brains out. (i have no patience and doubt likes to attack in such liminal times...) so i will probably most definitely quite certainly begin applying for waitressing jobs next week. i actually don't mind the profession - it is quite fun and exciting (especially on the short term), and it will help fill my time in between fairtrade kenyan tea researching and job hunting.

sigh.

in other news

1. i finished kristen lavransdatter. so now mom can finally accept me as her very own julianne daviddatter. (doesn't have quite the ring to it)

2. i don't have a job in DC yet, BUT the professor i've been working for in oxford just started me on another really great project on fairtrade tea in kenya, so at least i still have a bit of income, and in pounds no less. i think it's a sign that oxford misses me just as much as i miss it.

3. and the best for last: one of my favorite blogs, the transpacific sketch project, run by dear friends of mine, has asked me to join as a full-time contributor! i have rarely felt this honoured, truly. it's simply a collection of pieces of art etc. which move us inextricably. it's a beautiful blog which has always brought me joy.

i love proving hegel wrong

yes i have victoriously returned to washington from the valle verzasca in switzerland.

hegel said at one point that "it is the defects of immediate reality which drive us forward inevitably to the idea of the beauty of art."

i love when "immediate reality" trumps any possible feeling epxressed in art - of course anyone who knows me knows that i worship art in all its forms, and use paintings, sculpture, film, architecture, music, and words to express and relate my lived experiences. but i must say that the beauty of the simple days i spent in toni's aunt's 1806 stone swiss rustico (cabin) were more beautiful than any piece of art i have ever experienced.

and that is saying quite a lot. especially for me.

i mean really. not many words to describe.

i will be away

see you all in september!

tributes 7, 8, 9

this is a long post... i do apologise beforehand, but perhaps it makes up for my complete lack of posting recently? i've been in DC looking for a job, emphasis on the looking - i'll let you know when i find one!

all actual life is encounter.

this is a quote from martin buber, a jewish philosopher who worked in the first half of the 20th century. he is hands down my favourite thinker. what i find so powerful in buber's writing is his belief that true existence, the core of reality and meaning in life is found in the relationships between man and man, and between man and God. the latter relationship is discussed by other philosophers, and is of course in no way unique to buber. kierkegaard's ideology rests on the relationship between the "single one" and God, but he claims that because of the primacy of such a relation, all other relationships between an individual and others around him/her must be sacrificed. buber rightly criticises such a notion, and instead places all meaning and truth upon both our relations to the divine and those around us. that we access the divine through others, through daily life and interaction and dialog and encounter. what a beautiful and unique philosophy, compared to the multitude of others who speak of man as if we are single entities existing without relation (though i imagine many philosophers did live such a life).

in any case, buber receives my 7th tribute, for contributing so much to my notions of religious practice and relations between individuals. if you ever want something stunning and beautiful to read, pick up his books. i and thou and between man and man are his most significant, and each absolutely stellar. here is a quote from between man and man, though i could quote nearly the entire book if i could:

i have given up the ‘religious’ which is nothing but the exception, extraction, exaltation, ecstasy; or it has given me up. i possess nothing but the everyday out of which i am never taken. the mystery is no longer disclosed, it has escaped or it has made its dwelling here where everything happens as it happens. i know no fullness but each mortal hour’s fullness of claim and responsibility. though far from being equal to it, yet i know that in the claim i am claimed and may respond in responsibility, and know who speaks and demands a response. i do not know much more. if that is religion then it is just everything, simply all that is lived in its possibility of dialogue.

now, as i say - i have no original thought, and cannot claim my interest in buber to be a self-discovery. i came upon him after attending a small lecture by brilliant poet li-young lee at byu when i was 18, who receives my 8th tribute. lee mentioned reading buber under a tree when he was young (ok, how much more poetic can you get than that?), and how so much of i and thou informed his own poetry. li-young lee is a brilliant poet who writes beautiful words describing life as he lives it... he adopts much of what buber expresses in the quote above - that religion, meaning, and truth should not be ecstatic escapes from mortal life, but are instead the very stuff and reality of mortal life, that we must embrace the world and the most banal of experiences (lee writes poems about doing laundry, or making a bed with his wife) to see beauty and truth. is there anything more important than this? and more wonderful? i love the idea of embracing daily life in search of beauty rather than escaping to a platonic nether-world. lee is so devoted to the relationships he has with his family, wife, and children, and it is in those which he finds spirituality and beauty. it is wonderful to read. so if you have further time, do read lee's poetry, i have all of his books and couldn't begin to claim my favorite, so look them all up - including his most recent, behind my eyes, ah! beautiful!

and finally, tribute 9 - the reason i went to that li-young lee lecture in the first place is owing entirely to my dear friend julie. li-young lee was speaking the next day in the large university-wide byu forum, which i would have naturally attended. the forum was breathtaking, but it was at that small little-known lecture the night before that lee really interacted with the audience, let his guard down entirely, and just absorbed us all in his wonderful poetry. and if julie had not told me of it, how would i have come to all the wonderful moments in reading lee and buber ever since? i owe julie a great deal in fact, since she was my go-to girl for fabulous conversations on art and philosophy freshman year. i love her dearly for that, and am so happy i was able to see her recently in madrid. :)

so thank you,

julie
li-young lee
and buber.

you have all altered so much of my thinking, in the best sense possible. i can think of few authors who i love more dearly, and whose thoughts have been more influential on my life over the last 5 years than lee and buber.

pictures of the last 7 days.

how i say goodbye to oxford:

stock up on my absolute favourite british chocolate that you cannot find outside the UK.

so my stomach doesn't get too lonely whilst back in the states.


and yes i will spell favorite as "favourite" and use "whilst" for as long as i can...
plus notice my empty desk. sad face for a sad day.

wells cathedral

mom and dad are here! (look how cute they are) they're staying outside bath, so i took the train to see them today. we drove to nearby wells to see the STUNNING, and i repeat

STUNNING cathedral. my goodness! check out the "scissor arches," built in the 1330s. 700 years old. i mean really.

love it, and love mom and dad.

tribute 6

this is another collective tribute, this time to

the fab five.

consisting of

ali
brittany
lindsay
melanie
(and me).

context of why i'm posting this tribute: i spent the day cycling in the gorgeous villages of the neighbouring cotswolds today. it was beautiful to the point of transcendence... it seems the day was more a dream than a reality. and it's hitting me that i have to leave this gorgeous city of oxford, in the fabulous country of england, in the wonderful continent of europe, in two short weeks.

sad face.

BUT! there is hope! there are few people i love more in the world than the people mentioned above who i pay tribute to today. we became friends freshman year at byu, very serendipitously as we all lived on the same end of our hallway in david john hall. what i love about our friendship is that it's not based on any pretension or ulterior motive, we all just love each other for who we are. we are very different in interests and opinions, but that doesn't matter in the end - our care and concern for each other trumps all that. i have more pure, unadulterated fun with one, two, or ideally all of the members of the fab five than i have with anyone else.

so. even though i have to leave oxford and try to be a real person with self-confidence in the never-ending job search (sad face again), at least i'm going home closer to such dear friends. ali may actually live near me on the east coast next year, which would make life basically perfect. i kid not when i say that my thought process on days like this runs in such a circular motion... sadness of leaving dear ones here, but overflowing joy in thinking what adventures could happen in the future with such friends from my past. so in a sense i'm paying tribute to the fab five of the future - i could rattle off stories of our past, but really no one else would think such things are nearly as funny or entertaining, and i think such a tribute would imply that i see some sort of end of our friendship, that it was an epoch lived in provo rather than a living reality.* it's remarkable how no matter what has happened in each others lives, or how we've changed, we remain close. how beautiful a thing is that?

i love you all dearly.

*besides all these photos are from freshman year. haha, how young we all looked then. :)

tribute 5

this is a collective tribute to

andrew/ethan/emma/sophie/audrey/parker/miles/annie/jack/max/sadie/mabel/oliver/stella

i was reinvigorated this week to reflect on the purpose of family, and the glue which supposedly holds that together: love. "well, duh" one says - what a trite phrase! yes, obviously love is at the centre of family. but honestly and truly, how often is this not missing in familial interactions? it's too common that families take each other for granted, because they are always there, always around, and one therefore has free reign to criticise and debase each other at leisure. people take individual stresses out on their children or partner or sibling or parent.

this is a tragedy.

my tribute to all the nieces and nephews has two meanings: because rarely have i seen more love in my life than that displayed by these wonderful children to each other and to us, "the grown-ups," but also i stand in awe so often at the amount of love those grown-ups have freely given right back to the kids. it's a marvel to watch all of them interacting, to see the grandkids laughing themselves silly in the triangle room at sundance, and to see mimi and lincoln wrestling with them for hours, and ginger playing games with andrew and ethan... to see stephanie rocking stella to sleep yet again, and katie teaching annie to sing like ariel, or elliott sledding with his kids, matthew snowboarding with them, mike building a snowman with olibo, neal exploring the ocean with audrey and parker, and leslie kissing miles every two seconds :)

i could go on with a list of moments i've remarked in the interactions between the grandkids and grown-ups, and the absolute outpouring of love on either side. i am touched beyond words by such love, and so glad that we prize patience and kindness with each other over reproaches and cruelty. the home is the scene of too much abuse and destruction, in places i am shocked to discover... what a rare thing it is to find love in the home, and what in the end could be more important?

(appendum)

4. oh yes and one more reason i love email - dad can send such wonderful talks to us as this one by elder holland. i have rarely been touched by a talk like i was by this one. so thanks dad for sending it along.

wonders of email

i really do love email - this is how it has come in handy the last months:

1. i was able to send out about 5 million job applications (a slight exaggeration... only slight).

2. today i was able to send out 23 different emails to editors of potential academic journals to publish my thesis (and that is no exaggeration). note: i am so thrilled that there exists a journal entitled the "African Journal of Reproductive Health." how perfect for my thesis?! they must publish it. c'mon.

3. friends can send pictures to each other with the greatest of ease: like this one i received yesterday from raakhi (which i love) that shows the absolute pure joy of me, toni, and peter after walking down to the exam schools on high street here at oxford to see our names posted on the large wooden boards with such fantastic results from the hard work of our exams/theses. raakhi took it literally moments after we saw our names posted - you can see the large white boards behind us.

look how happy we are :)

tributes 3 and 4

i HATE goodbyes....

tomorrow two of my dearest friends, peter and raakhi, leave oxford, and i'm so sorry to say goodbye to them.

this is the beginning of the end, really - it's all hitting me even more that this year at oxford is done, and what a pity how swiftly it passed...

peter and raakhi are a fantastic couple. peter lives right upstairs from me, and i'd often spend afternoons and evenings in his room conversing about various topics from jobs to relationships, and he was always so filled with kindness and wisdom. raakhi and i would frequent oxford coffee shops for similar discussions, sometimes throwing sartre, mozambican poetry, or other such literary topics in as well. there is absolutely no pretension in either of these individuals, nothing forced or rehearsed: they are entirely genuine and live true to themselves. i love to meet such people, who read l'etre et le neant or run a south african NGO simply for personal passion, and no exterior recognition or appearances. i'm tired of seeing people cite art movements or political statements in order to fit an "alternative" mold, and love when people do such things with real intent. not seeking originality or an image, but are instead critical and thoughtful thinkers and authentic human beings.

peter and raakhi have been such a blessing to me this year, i've loved our meals and conversations. they have crafted so much of my oxford experience. i have learned so much from our interactions, and been so enriched. they are both individuals that help time pass in a more meaningful way, but without pseudo-seriousness and self-aggrandizement. in other words, it was always delightfully fun to discuss meaningful topics with both of them, never lacking for a lot of light-heartedness and laughter. :)

i will miss both dearly.

tribute 2

you asked for it ginger, and it's true (of course) that i have to include the big parents in my great list of tributes. in many ways of course one's parents are the most obvious crafters of an individual's character. who else contributed more to my culmination than those who nurtured me from day one? and i don't want to separate mom and dad into separate tributes, because they do have such a wonderfully strong relationship and work together so brilliantly, that they are very much linked in my estimation.

so as to why they come now* - as i said in my last post, why i went to mozambique in the spring of 2004 with care for life warrants many tributes. but ultimately i can peg it down to mom and dad, to the way they raised me and the rest of us clan. and of course the practical issue of dad's willingness to accompany me all the way to southern africa to ensure my safety - thanks dad :)

i remember mom saying repeatedly, as she drove us to villa park elementary or cerro villa middle school:

orange county is not the real world.

it is perhaps this point of wisdom that stuck with me more than anything else from my childhood. but not only did mom and dad express such truths in words, but allowed all of us kids to see it for ourselves. they never shied away from taking all of their six children to the far reaches of the world, from japan to estonia, egypt to new zealand. it was this exposure from the earliest age which made me conscious of the vast nature of human experience and potential.

without the constant prodding of mom and dad to look beyond our own borders and way of living to those of others, i would not have thought to study and work in africa, or live and attend school in england. they did not want their children to be ignorant, especially in regards to the world around them. from what i saw growing up around me in the OC, few parents have such breadth of wisdom and vision to raise children in such a way. :) i am eternally grateful for mom's interest in egypt, and dad's will to take us all their when i was 15. it was that trip above anything that opened my eyes to the world beyond katella avenue, and instilled a burning (and sometimes obsessive) curiosity in me to engage in that world as much as possible.

dad's most famous phrase, "perspective," is also applicable here: he repeats the word so often, and it's uses are truly innumerable. in this sense perspective can be to see beyond your own self, to see all the others surrounding you and attempt in anyway to understand they are beloved just as much as you, that they are your equal in every sense. what a brilliant perspective to have! we should all work towards it.

so muchos gracias mom and dad, i would of course in no way be who i am without you. love you dearly.

*i can also think of no better time to write a tribute to mom and dad, after my results came out on my exams/dissertation here at oxford. :) mom's constant example of reading in our house, of getting her masters at cal state fullerton, how could any of us not be inspired intellectually in such an environment?

spain pictures I: granada

our first night we found some wonderful spanish guitar under the lights of the alhambra.

the cathedral in granada was the best i've seen in spain... spanish cathedrals can tend to be a bit over-the-top ("no one is more catholic than us!"), and this one wasn't necessarily "simple," but it was all painted white, which made is spectacular.

the alhambra: yes, all it's cracked up to be.

it was really hot. spanish women all use fans, and i bought this hot red number for myself. and then posed america's next top model style over the alhambra vista. you know you would do the same... :)

bethany in one of the many courtyards of beauty.

more alhambra (obviously)... we were the first tourists in that morning, so got fantastic light without huge crowds. it pays to get up early :)