so... remember that Christmas in 2010 when...

the sundance house was turned into an infirmary?

matthew and katie left early due to several severely ill children?

elliott and ginger and their entire 5 child brood were struck down by nasty, mysterious and pernicious viruses during their entire 10-day stay?

Christmas eve was spent in the ER?

mom full on broke her leg?

and dad totally screwed up his knee to the point of hardly walking?

and then! AND THEN! mom had surgery on her leg the day before elliott and ginger were meant to fly back to indiana, sick and all, but then the power went out in all of sundance and due to the MOTHER OF ALL SNOWSTORMS (take that east coast!) the roads were closed because of serious avalanche threat? and the power wouldn't be back until late the next day? and who on earth knows when the snow would ever stop and the avalanches would stop and the roads would be open?

so.. rather than freeze to death with five small children in a powerless mountain cabin, risk mom having some post-op emergency and not being able to get out, oh and of course elliott and ginger missing their flight, remember when we had the fire marshal personally escort all of us down the sundance mountain at 10pm, driving slowly and steadily, shining his big avalanche-checker-light up on the foreboding mountains on either side of us? driving over fallen, broken, trees to then go and spend the night in a hotel?

yup. all of that. OH MY GOODNESS THIS CHRISTMAS! i tell you. I TELL YOU! one mega series of unfortunate (nothing too life threatening thank heaven!) events indeed. IN.DEED.

this is what a visit home looks like [part II]

i.e... so.much.snow! so.much.cuteness! :)

this is what a visit home looks like

p.s. can you spot me in the photo above? omg moab is amazing!

(i'm on seeerious baby elliot withdrawals since saying goodbye to them all in arizona! oh! just look at how delicious he is!)

who's doing this? who's killing us? ...robbing us of light and life*

dear mariana and susellen... two of the girls i'm closest to! they are lovely lovely.

i leave for the US on wednesday for 4 weeks of hugging nieces and nephews and wrangling the brazilian embassy into giving me a new visa.

so today i made a farewell [for now] trek to the girls of lua nova out in araçoiabinha. i actually stayed only half an hour. only a handful of girls were there as it was the middle of the day and most were working elsewhere, and when i got there i was confronted once more with a big tragedy of abuse that had happened recently at the shelter.

oh sigh. in many ways i suppose it was the perfect send-off: this bittersweet vacillation of the work here between true joy at the friendships i've made with the girls, with some of their progress, and utter devestation with incidents like this happen. [i don't want to go into the details because it's really just too awful and i'm still shaken up by everything.]

when i walked out of the shelter, there in the middle of the glowing green gorgeous countryside, my thoughts were racing, emotions flaring, and i couldn't muster the 1 1/2 hour wait for the next bus to araçoiaba. so i just trudged on through the countryside, walked the 10 kilometers under the blaring sun. you get to a point where you are so hot and sweaty and dusty and dirty that you really can't get MORE so. so you might as well just go for it.

and i do mean it when i say the countryside is gorgeous and literally GLOWS greenery. i passed all the mango trees and brightly painted cinderblock homes - purples and blues and greens and yellows... passed by the fancier large farmhouses, and ended up in the center of araçoiaba's sweet little village, by the big LDS church and reservoir, just in time to catch the bus to take me the last 15 kilometers back to sorocaba.

when i got back to the city i stopped in and got a fresh laranja-acerola juice for 50 centavos and drank in the bounty of this fantastically beautiful country. i will for sure miss the fresh fruits oh so much in the next four weeks!

and so here, back in this house which i will be moving out of in january when i come back [to another locale close-by, and thankfully, i must admit], i reflect on the last three months and this huge play of contrasts i've been a part of. how i know you're not supposed to get emotionally involved in this kind of work - you're supposed to not let these horrific circumstances get to you. but then again, aren't we supposed to mourn with those that mourn?

and then to reflect on the beauty i've also seen, and the laughter and joy that of course accompanies all of this tragedy - that of course araçoiabinha is home to happy, functioning families just as it is to the girls at lua nova trying to carve out new lives for themselves, stumbling so painfully along the way.

i'll take all of this home with me, where no doubt i will reflect some more as all of this will no doubt feel lightyears away....

oh, sorocaba, oh lua nova! adieu for now.

até janeiro,
joojie.


*just realized that's my second post in a row with a title straight from "the thin red line." so yes it's my favorite movie, i can't help it.

rosy-fingered dawn

i am somewhat bursting with goodness tonight. i must say the last two days have been perhaps the best so far of my 3-month sojourn in brazil, and in the spirit of bringing thanksgiving south of the equator, today i am incredibly grateful that...

i can now truly understand portuguese. and sort of somewhat speak back too. the conversations i've had with the girls this week have been the best so far. and it warms my soul to know that we've really turned a corner in our relationships and the level of trust and confidence we now have. oh! nothing is better than that.

i happened upon an impromptu outdoor dance/capoeira/music fest whilst walking through sorocaba today! brasil!!!

despite only arriving 20 minutes before it began, i beat out the hoards of people and secured a ticket to the subtitled screening of harry potter 7. [thankfully everyone wanted to see the dubbed version!] [for those who've seen it: intense, right?!]

i won the battle with the killer ants who were trying to invade my room, after nearly defeating us in the kitchen. seriously, huzzah.

as of yesterday evening, everything is [finally] finished for my phd application to oxford next year. all the grant applications are in, all the reference letters secured, all fees paid and forms submitted. now i just have to wait and see. (eeeek!)

did i mention work went really well?

thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and this isn't the first time i've missed it because i'm abroad. but i feel so lucky to be here in brazil. [seriously, despite the ridiculous amount of complaining. sorry ya'all!] i am so lucky to be able to learn firsthand another culture, language, country, but most of all i'm so grateful that i'm here working with these girls. i learn so much from them, and it only gets better as the barriers between us [99% of which are linguistic] continue to break down.

HAPPY!

beijinhos to you all,
joojie.

wondrous news, or how i've been crying for joy/emotional too-much-ness part II

my dear dear friend brittany gave birth to a precious and healthy baby girl around 4am this morning! oh what joy! i heard a running account of the 30+ hour birth from my friend sara, who acted as her doula, and melanie, special best friend support.

can i just pause to say once more how miraculous birth is? and how happy i am brittany and baby are healthy and happy? labors extending past 30 hours are what lead to fistula for literally millions of women in niger and countless other countries. i just reminisced a bit and looked up my posts and pictures from when i was working with the fistula patients at the hospital in niamey... oh! it's simply unfair that they have to needlessly suffer this debilitating injury when it 100% preventable.

or the girls i'm working with now. who receive no support whatsoever in their journey to being a mother. and thus are so mentally crippled in terms of their capacity to deal with pregnancy, the delivery, and then the aftermath of caring for a baby. it's simply a mental illness the way fistula is physical. and both could be prevented. both stem from poverty, from broken systems, whether they be corruption in a nation's infrastructure or the destruction of an individual home.

oh! sorry when i'm embroiled in this environment i cannot help but remark on the contrasts... the unjustness of it all, no?

but truly, so happy for brittany, and for this new - yet-to-be-named - addition to our extended family! brittany was born to be a mother, her strength is remarkable, and she is one of the most capable and beautiful and caring women i know. the last hours i have been moved to tears of joy for her and her new little family again and again. yay yay yay for safe birth! :)


photo of brittany by melanie, photo/designer extraordinaire!

the center cannot hold.

i found out today that one of the girls who is living at lua nova has snuck out at night to work as a prostitute again.

when i heard this my heart broke. literally just fell to pieces. i was at lua nova's administrative office in sorocaba for a meeting, listening as my colleague mariana recounted the utterly bleak image of lua nova right now.

in addition to this first tragedy, a few other girls have also snuck out and began using crack again.... and the new coordinator i was so excited and even blogged about 2 weeks ago? he left. quit. as did the other coordinator. as did 3 other educators. burdened down by the work, by the enormity of it all.

this happens again and again. this constant rotation of staff. as dealing with these girls day in day out is difficult beyond measure. erasing their previous lives and making them truly start anew. i was already in low spirits this morning anyway: ashoka sent me a 3-month evaluation of my experience here and asked "what has been your greatest impact? list 2-3 accomplishments."

i've made no impact thus far, and that is the truth. it's too little time. even at the end of 9 months i probably will have done very very little. it's not solely up to me, and as much as ashoka and all other development organizations love to broadcast these humanitarian success stories where tragedy commences at point a and ends at point b after a swift, feel-good solution, that is simply not how it works. these girls have layers. and layers beyond those layers. and then some more on top of that. me being here for 10 weeks equates to a pin-drop in that entanglement of experience and lessons previously learned.

lessons like you are worthless and so prostitution is a viable option. crack will give you the happiness you're looking for.

oh heavens these girls! hundreds of millions of teenage girls are currently working in prostitution. in every country in the world. but this is a group of girls that i now know so personally. they are my friends. we play volleyball together and laugh as we try to remember the lyrics to old mariah carey songs. i play tag with their kids. and to think of what they have gone through... and the decisions they are still making, oh! oh oh oh! what more can i say?

it's rare that i post something just absurdly happy, i.e. the first time i cried for joy!

i'm being serious - i've never cried because of extreme happiness until today! have you!? when? oh what a delicious feeling!

at approximately 3:58 pm i was graciously already home and heard the magical shout of "correio!" at our gate. i sprinted outside to be greeted by our postman and a little package from toni. the minute i ripped off the wrapper (an issue of die ziet, love.it.), the tears just flowed. and flowed some more as i slowly opened each gift inside.

oh! let it be known that toni is indeed the best, most thoughtful, and creative birthday gift giver of all time. this is my 4th birthday with him in my life [the third spent on separate continents :( ].... it all began with a post-paul-collier-lecture-hot-cocoa in oxford on november 5th, 2007, and holy heavens he just makes me more and more smitten everyday. i can't tell you how wonderful he is and how much he means to me.... oh sigh, gush gush gush love love love!

.... hope this didn't embarrass you too much, toni? um beijo :)

"human beings are sacrificed to abstractions: a holocaust of individuals is offered up to ‘the people.'"

ok so this quote was made by benjamin constant in 1813 in relation to the french revolution, but i think about that idea all the time... albeit in a less guillotined manner...

like today at work, when i was on the 20 minute walk down the red dirt road between the lua nova shelter and the bus stop, chatting with one of the residents. it was such a good way to end my day. i simply love the conversations i have with the girls here. as i am basically acting as their therapist, my days are almost entirely spent in long talk sessions with each of them. it's wonderful how much i learn, and makes all the frustrations of brazilian bureaucracy and disorganization so worth it.

so today this girl was telling me about her former crack addiction, how she used to neglect her baby daughter for days at a time when she was on a high, and how lua nova completely changed her life. how now she not only loves her daughter now but realizes she can make a new life for the two of them and give her daughter new opportunities she never had...

i ask you, what better way to end poverty and drug abuse than giving drug users and those human beings trapped in poverty a reason to live? and the means to create a new life?

but having worked and studied international development these last years in oh-so-many facets it's so obvious how removed this simple truth is from policy. i blogged about this lots from my gray desk in UNICEF's headquarters earlier this year. ah, i shudder to think of it! i was trying to write new policy papers and toolkits for donors to stop just throwing aid money at government ministers and instead focus on people themselves in the form of civil society organizations. i can't say how unpopular this is, or how if anything it's simply a token consideration never taken seriously.

this girl today was telling me that there are so many others like her, who just simply lack the opportunity to change. no one gives them any credit at all. the norm for girls like her is to take their children away and put them in a penitentiary facility (a lot of them have engaged in heavily illegal activities at the age of 12, 13.. so hard to think of...). but instead lua nova - and raquel, it's founder, who really is so visionary - is saying: we trust you, you are capable, and furthermore you can create a new generation of change with your own family.

so back to constant's quote: the aid community would sacrifice all these capable individuals to the abstract notions of PRSPs and SAPs and other absurd grand schemes that do little more than result in shiny reports and ministerial mercedes. yes working on an individual level is tough beyond words (see: all the posts below), but if the individual does not change, what is some PRSP going to do?

and in other instances of human beings sacrificed to abstractions, on the other side of the world refugees by the thousands are streaming into thailand from burma in the wake of election violence... see this video below... and read more here and here. also read my friend thelms blog - she is currently working on the thai/burma border and is pretty much amazing.

fyi, today was 100% better

today happens to be a brazilian holiday, and it's only 85 (YAY) so i was able to take a nice leisurely stroll through what ended up being an uber-charming neighborhood pertiiiinho daqui...

...and whilst strolling along, inspired by my dear friend brittany's perfect comment on my previous post invoking a phrase we coined and frequently used while working in mozambique (MAWA = MOZAMBIQUE WINS AGAIN), i reminded myself that while engaging in social work/international development/whatever term you want to call it, you are just going to feel ineffective about 99% of the time. literally. you try and try and try some more, but when you're dealing with such huge problems, it's just the way it is.

[if my oven had more than one heat setting i would start baking again to feel like i'm doing something productive: start, middle, end. VOILA.] [reminds me of what mom always used to say about dad: how she would leave the kitchen floor unswept so he could do that every night after work and feel like he did something real. tangible. IT'S SO TRUE.]

and speaking of mom... did i mention she's coming back in march? [!!!!!]

and that i also may potentially have actually finally secured a place for toni to live when he gets here in january? [i tell you it has not been easy!]

yes. all these things help immensely. and so do all your kind words. you are all much too good to me!

beijinhos,
joojie.


p.s. i took this picture a few mornings ago when i left my house only to find a pack of horses on my street. hahahahaha perfect metaphor for the completely haphazard, disorganized, and unexpected nature of my day to day here in ole' sorocaba.

sometimes nothing works, and happy november

i live nearly 30 kms from where i work. for the first weeks i would get to work with lua nova's driver, i.e. a very old VW van that goes back and forth between the 5 different lua nova locations nearly 457 times per day. in other words the driver is incredibly busy, would often forget to pick me up, and if he did remember, i would often be out at the shelter for 13 or so hours, which was super un-productive and beyond draining.

so i got lua nova to give me a bus pass [otherwise they're very very expensive], which means i now go to and from work at my own leisure, and it has truly transformed the job: i'm there more often, my time there is more useful, and overall i get more sleep. so huzzah!

but.

somedays everything just seems to go wrong, no? today was such a day, and considering it's the first day of november and the first day of (yet another) new work schedule/plan for us at lua nova, i feel so discouraged, realizing that things will probably just continue to go on in the haphazard and disorganized fashion of the last two months. (nooooooo!!!)

so! i picked up my first bus here in the city just fine. because of conflicting schedules, i arrive at the village bus station 45 minutes before my second bus leaves to drop me closer to lua nova's shelter. i don't mind the waiting. i read and the bus station, though outside, has a big shaded area with chairs. so huzzah.

but today! aaaah today. the second bus didn't come inside the bus station as usual. it stopped (for about 2 seconds) on the street to the side of the station, and left before me and a few other people in the station could even realize it had arrived. so! i would have to wait one more full hour for the next bus, bringing my total commute time to 3 1/2 hours. one way.

by this time my sweat [even in the shade] had completely soaked my clothes and i knew i wouldn't have enough time to go to the shelter, do my class with the girls, and make it back to the city for an afternoon meeting. so instead i decided to just walk the 15 minutes to the stop where the direct-to-sorocaba bus would come within the next half hour and thus at least make my [somewhat important] meeting.

oh but wait! i missed that bus too! i waved it down per usual and IT KEPT DRIVING. by this point, i was so hot, sweaty, and upset at the complete uselessness of the day that i just marched on up the highway to the next bus stop to wait another 45 minutes for the next bus. (at least i was walking - doing something! - besides waiting)

the good news is i eventually made it back to sorocaba, approximately 4 1/2 hours after i left my house, having not even seen the girls at the shelter or accomplished anything whatsoever besides turn my dress a darker shade of purple and nearly finishing leaves of grass. (ok that admittedly is something.)

oh sigh. i hope this is not an omen for the next month? i had such high hopes! alas! brazil!!! how you thwart me at every turn!!!

ps. so sorry for the debbie downer post again :( i have no one to vent to here - ya'all are such a nice release if you don't mind! :)

as meninas da lua (i.e. i finally brought my camera to work today)

what i mean to say is

sorocaba surprised me today.

yes sunday's post was mostly a lament on my total lack of life outside of work here. my unfortunate lack of integration into brazilian culture. even in niamey, niger where getting a fanta and peanuts at the grand hotel was the best outing you could hope for, i would come home from the hospital every night and have a super interesting conversation over dinner with ghaichatou and her family, the nigerienne woman i lived with - it was wonderful and i felt i had something to look forward to, to release into after the draining experience of working at a fistula pavilion.*

here, the draining days at lua nova spill over into each other with very little in between.

BUT. as i said, i had an extraordinarily pleasant day thanks to this city i so easily threw to the wolves in sunday's post:

after teaching my morning english class (yes, there is one small thing outside of work! haha! i'll have to tell you more on it later), i ventured out into the city on foot on a long long walk. the clouded sky meant i could do this without completely drenching my clothing in sweat, and i managed to find a bookstore cum cafe. and next to that a beautiful old little church cum garden. i sat in that cafe, and then in that garden, read, wrote, and generally felt at peace. at home.

small victories! but i tell you it was so renewing. so needed.

so thanks, sorocaba. my faith in you has been restored.

um beijo,
joojie.

*i also had ali with me. who is one of my fave people in the world and i can never discount the joy her presence gives me. love you babe.

**photo of me in the lodhi gardens at twilight in delhi. aaaaah!!! 500 year old tombs! sooo rad!!!

sehnsucht.

i must say that in these last weeks i've had my first ever twinges of homesickness. and when i say homesickness, i mean a longing for previous and even potential locations i have/may live/d in... i drift back and remember that once i called damascus home. and paris. rolling green hills in england... berlin naturally, and then the one which triumphs over them all: new york! oh new york.... i feel our time was cut so short, and i think of the place everyday. wonderful new york times photo retrospectives don't help either.

then i jump into kayak.com and search for potential itineraries and plans for next summer: working at the edna adan maternity hospital is my current ideal. i even inquired east african safari air safari express (yes that's the name of the airline - hehe!) about the costs of flights to hargeisa. working simultaneously here on a variety of future ethiopian projects (phd + potential fistula organization... ee! exciting!) is again, not helping.

don't get me wrong, i am happy to be here in brazil: the work is getting better, i am learning loads - about innovative ways of treatment and public health, new perspectives on maternal health and maternity. of development and poverty cycles. of the reality of behaviour change, education formation and therapy. a full language even!

it's just that outside of that, there is admittedly so so little. as i explained to dear ali* this week, sorocaba could be most closely compared to rancho cucumunga, if any of you remember that blip of a place on the side of the 15 on the drive to utah. the greatest activity here is to go to the mall. which guess what i totes did on friday night. i went to the movies, and it was actually splendid.

but the point is that the work is not nearly enough to fill the hours that go by: the girls need to be on their own, make decisions and craft their lives on their own. and so the outside hours, which are occasionally filled with truly lovely lunches and conversations with my handful of friends here, are spent burying into the entire collected short stories of henry james (5 volumes at 1000 pages each), an anthology of american women's writing, and novelised versions of ethiopian medical history.

while i can by no means complain about all the reading (love.it.), in those down hours my mind keeps drifting to hopping the 1 train to film forum. to balcony dinners with toni on skalitzer straße. and then goes forward to returning to africa, where i am 100% more in my comfort zone than here in this brazilian version of inland california.

i promise this is not a complaint, and i wouldn't want to be anywhere but where i am right now. i just feel i am allowed feelings of homesickness now, at age 25, right? considering i never had them before?

and does anyone else have those restless longings for other places you've lived? places with whom your relationship was prematurely ended?

i can only dig into the here and now, and have confidence that future versions of myself will once again reinhabit manhattan. kreuzberg. maybe even paris. africa for sure. and for the moment i do have brazil before me: sorocaba may be boring**, but i can fly to rio for less than $100 roundtrip.***

and now let me go tuck in with mr. james for the rest of the evening,
here's to you all in your lugares diversos :)

beijinhos,
julianne.


*as you can see ali is also feeling homesick for places that aren't technically her "home." i feel better already.
**sorry sorocaba, i don't mean to be mean.
***yes that may happen in two weeks. aaaah sera muito legal!! will keep you posted.

disclaimer: my blogposts have turned into novels here in brazil. (or were they always?) (again, blame the fact that i moved alone to rancho cucumunga. :) to all of you who make it to the ends of my tirades, you deserve a fresh pair of havaianas and dolce de leite. i will try to accommodate pronto.

better late than never, no?

when i arrived in brazil 6 weeks ago (heavens! can you believe it's been 6 weeks?!), lua nova was in the midst of an administrative and staff overhaul. coordinators who had been here for 8 or 10 years were leaving and being replaced. replacements would then drop out and new ones would come. promises were made and then forgotten.

in other words, the last 6 weeks have been no short of organizational chaos... as i know i have many a time mentioned. but i tell you i have even held back [if you can believe it] from the extent of my frustration.

BUT. THE CLOUDS HAVE PARTED.

new dawn is coming to this new moon! enter regis, a 20-something local sorocabano who is WONDERFUL. having grown up in a favela himself, he is taking over as new project coordinator and is shaping things up. he and i have been talking the last days and we have a new game plan for my project, a game plan that actively addresses all the massive issues that have prevented my project from really lifting off... namely...

lack of transport.
apathy on the part of girls. on the part of other educators.
miscommunication.
lack of capacity to work with all the girls.
idleness.

i tell you that things are a-changin' here at ole' lua nova, and i couldn't be happier about it. the last weeks have been filled with many, so maaannny disappointments, and no doubt there will be more, but i'm telling you, i'm incredibly optimistic at this moment. if for nothing else i can now actually kind of speak portuguese, so that makes everything better. i am still awful at it and avoid the subjunctive altogether, but people understand me now, and i can say basically anything i want so long as it has no emotional nuance. who needs gray areas, anyway?! viva o preto e branco!!! :)

beijos to you all,
joojie.

the last days were spent in sao paulo city with mom and dad. i.e., it was glorious

sao paulo goes onnnn and onnn and ooooon!!! insane.




mom in gorgeous, goooooorgeous ibirapuera park in the center of sao paulo. reminded me of central park and i got homesick. oh, love!




view from our hotel room. incredible!

i miss them so much already. they really are the best parents in the world! not many people would go through all they did to come down here... so now the question is who else wants to come down ole' south american way? :)

bringing the new york hipster to brasil/SO HAPPY

1. it's friday!


2. spent the day with the girls + meeting with a new coordinator at lua nova who is serious about bringing more order and sense to the place and i'm SO optimistic/relieved for future changes to all these scattered routines! things are truly and rapidly improving on the work front. HU-ZZAH.


3. MOM AND DAD GOT THEIR VISAS! finally finally finally after nearly 4 weeks of wrangling a process that should take only 48 hours, after a letter direct to the brazilian ambassador to the united states himself, mom and dad were granted their tourist vias and will be here sunday. yes they should have arrived this morning, but i'll take what i can get! oh so much love!


4. i came home from lua nova and decided to watch project runway and try to pretend like i still lived in new york city by doing the ever-popular-fall-trend-for-chic-women-heidi-braids. (or maybe i'm just pining for germany?) (yes that too) what do you think?


5. beijos beijos beijos to you all for your love, thoughts, comments, notes, and all the rest you've sent to me. it means oh so so much. what would i do without you? truly?

today was blessed.

my fever has relatively abated and so i went to work and saw my girls. huzzah!

i must say that my perceptions of the girls and this environment they live in have changed so much in the last weeks. i remember when i first came feeling this anger that why did these girls have to suddenly take on all this hardship of being a 17 year old mom? what about the boys/men? where were they?

but now, having spoken more to these new mothers, having met more ex-lua nova residents, i am renewed again in understanding what a powerful force of good and change motherhood can be. these formerly direction-less girls now have a real purpose in their lives, and they are actively changing their habits and priorities to live for their children. granted some girls can't handle it and leave or run away, and most are still very much in the early stages of this process, but the majority of the girls who come to lua nova do stay and do fight through it all and come out a truly changed person. they fight through it in their tough, abrasive manner, but what other manner would you adopt after living such a life?

i finished translating lua nova's website in my sick-out days. not all of it has been uploaded yet, so i'm going to post one of the testimonials from one of the lua nova residents i had translated here instead. once the rest of them are up you really must read them all - they are true stories of victory and the power of love and motherhood (when it is nurtured, upheld, praised, and cultivated, that is):

"I arrived at Lua Nova less than a year ago, before that having lived through many things in Sao Paulo, the majority of them sad. I have three more children who are not with me, but in short I am here with my son Marcos who is 1 year old. My goal now is to regain the lost time with my other children, and Lua Nova is supporting me in this effort. Before I lived on the street, used and trafficked drugs, and because of this lost my children, my dignity, and my citizenship. With Marcos I have had the opportunity to feel for the first time like a complete mother, whereas before I didn't make space for motherhood - other things were given priority. Lua Nova has shown me that today I can be a mother, I have the capacity to change - before I didn't believe that, I didn't have any hope that I could start again. But here I am with my son at my side, and I am happy. I work at the Arts Workshop and I really like the other girls and learning new skills. Today I want to do things very differently, and Lua Nova is supporting me in doing that."

i know the girl who wrote this and can say that she is a wonderful mother for marcos. so loving and attentive. it's incredible, no? what an amazing transformative power motherhood can be if it is properly valued! it's all such a gorgeous message, and i know i can learn a great deal from this organization that creates such stories. even with all the disorganized frustration. :)

beijos,
joojie.


p.s. i also found a frozen yogurt shop in sorocaba today. a.ma.zing. that also contributed to this being an overall much better day than those that came before :)

disappointed [a la kevin kline] [that's for you, ali]

it's only natural to get frustrated when our expectations of ourselves, our work, all of it, are simply not met, yes?

oh it happens so consistently for me here in dear ole' brasil.

i've had the flu since monday night. as in legit, 103 degree fever flu. i had planned various activities to do for the girls at lua nova today and tomorrow, but instead i am in bed.* i admit that i can only feel guilt.

i know i know it's sickness and i need to let my body heal, but it seems to just come at a time when everything is culminating into a general feeling of disappointment in myself and how much i've fallen short since coming here. i feel so much time has been wasted in absurd pedantic matters, my physical/intellectual/spiritual limitations have all been laid bare, and while i remind myself that i'm getting into a new routine, new country, new language, new job and things take time, i can't help but feel i've done so very little in comparison to what i could have done.**

and so rather than brooding even more, here's rumi, via thelma, to save the day... perhaps it will help someone else out there too:

why lay yourself on the torturer's rack of the past and future?
the mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities will find no rest.
be kind to yourself, dear--

*in the meantime, whilst horizontal, i've been translating lua nova's brand new website (yay!) into english. do check it out if you speak portuguese, and the english version will be here soon... depending on how long my flu lasts :)

**really, i'm very sincerely not fishing here. just stating how i feel - we all get this way at times, no?

to england, where my heart lies...

i dare you to find a more sublime saturday morning than

thunderstorms

bed + blanket

tea

and howards end.



ah! plus can't wait for conference later :) huzzah for weekends!

beijos.

i wish everyone had a family like mine.

heavens i have the best family ever, no?

this project idea of stephanie's to have her blog readers make scrapbooks for my girls here is stellar. it literally makes me cry to just feel the support of all ya'all back in the states. and let me tell you, this is something the girls are going to LOVE.

this afternoon i chatted extensively with two of the girls, each showed me old and tattered notebooks and scraps of paper filled with writings and drawings they have treasured in their rooms. but neither of them had pens of their own to continue writing/drawing/creating etc. i had no idea! i gave them each some random pens i had in my bag. it made their week. i mean really?

so yes. these pretty, girly scrapbooks are going to be very beloved. and the fact that ya'all are willing to extend and donate to girls so far away that you don't know at all just means a great deal. really, what can i say?

that goodness counteracts the harshness of the days spent at lua nova. that 14 year old i mentioned in my previous post who just found out she's pregnant? she ran away today. oh heavens, what a tragedy. the point is that some of these girls are not going to stick with this reforming process. because as hard as their previous lives are, to make a full turn around is another challenge that takes them completely out of their comfort zone. behaviour change really is insanely challenging, and nearly every girl is quite miserable throughout the process. so to give them something beautiful and uber positive, just for them - really! it will be wonderful.

oh huzzah for the goodness in the world, and for all your generosity. i really love you all. a whole whole lot.

beijos!
joojie.

p.s. this gorg photo is by renato stockler, a professional photographer that visited lua nova a few months ago. love.

on my average weekday at lua nova

out my door by 6:45am, arrive after a very circuitous route to lua nova by 8am.

kisses and greetings and meetings of any new girls.

at 9am the ambulance has arrived to take one of the new girls to the hospital, currently passed out from detoxing hard after her crack addiction.

i spend most of the morning in conversation with fabiana, who at 29 is the oldest resident at lua nova and is super with it. we discuss the advantages of living here in the country, where sao paulo to her as an ex-crack-addict simply represents drugs. she helps me refine my ideas for upcoming therapy sessions and my ongoing project of writing didactic materials for the girls based on what they actually need. she's wonderful and i give her a big kiss and hug of thanks for her help.

10am and a group of last year nursing students arrive and begin doing medical consultations. i tag along.

by 11am one girl's pregnancy test comes back negative (thank heaven, already with 2 other children), while another comes back positive (heavens, she's only 14 and just last week nearly died from blood loss as she feverishly cut herself to relieve the horrific itching and mania caused by cocaine-detox).

at noon a hip-hop dance class begins for the girls. they are learning a choreographed dance to 'rude boy' by rhianna. oh my goodness i'm so happy none of them understand english and those lyrics.

at 2 we have cake and lively singing to celebrate the birthday of angela, one of the coordinators at lua nova. no one sings happy birthday like brazilians! love.it.

i then proceed to hold a 6-day old baby for the next hour. oh heavens he's so perfect and pure. one of the girls just gave birth to him last week, and is still quite out of it from the pain and shock of the birth. it's her second baby, and she's 16. we chat about her feelings, problems, pains, fears.

i take a break and walk around the countryside of aracoiaba for a bit, reading some henry james along the way. (my ultimate escape.)

come back to help tend to a three-month old baby as her mom takes a break to eat a late lunch. again, talk to her about her feelings, problems, pains, fears. i can't understand her too well because she speaks almost entirely in slang. sigh.

it's almost 5pm and i hitch a ride back to downtown sorocaba. i then board a bus to take me home. at home i eat yummy lentils and drink glorious peach juice with soy.

and there you have it. so happy to be home. but also so happy i can spend the days with the girls. as tough as it is to see all these issues play out in reality, there is nowhere else i'd rather be. truly.

much love love love to you all,
joojie.

kindness saves the day

fyi, first of all: please everyone stop blogging about fall. no honestly, PLEASE. the fact that i'm still in brazilian 'winter' where it's 90 degrees everyday and will only climb steadily to the triple digits for the rest of the time i'm in brazil, aaaaah... the thought that in the north everyone's going to snuggle in crsip cool air and drink apple cider just makes me want to cry. you think someone who lived in southern california the first 18 years of her life would cope better with this. but no, the last 7 years of seasons has ruined me for endless summer of beige sky and relentless heat.

ok, moving on!

i really just wanted to say that kindness really does mean everything. simple kindness is completely, 100% saving me here. this week was awful, truly. i was really ready to throw my hands up in the air completely this morning...

but then!

so many people extended kind words: three separate co-workers at lua nova today asked after me with complete sincerity... "really, how are you handling all the stress and insanity of this organization and the situation of the girls? all the disorganization, unreliability, and constant changes?" and to have someone else admit that this NGO is in fact insanely disorganized and challenging to work for brought such a sense of relief. and that they could see that it might actually be super hard for me to jump into this mad environment was so relieving.

i also received a message from dear wakesho, another 'young champion' from kenya, now working in nigeria, who used to conduct group support sessions for adolescent mothers from the slums of nairobi. hi, so similar to me, right?! as she said, "girl, we're in this together." she acknowledged how crazy tough it is to break through all the types of issues with such girls... and then proceeded to give me fantastic advice, all of which will be implemented immediately.

all of our situations are so unique, right? and doesn't it help immensely when someone who has been in the same situation, who does the same work, just steps in for a second and acknowledges: yes, this is crazy, it's ok to feel like everything is out of control and you feel like you have no idea how to do anything right? someone else to just acknowledge that yes, it's ok to think this is all really hard. have you had similar moments where someone said something that was so spot on about something hard in your life, and it just felt like a cool wave of loveliness?

so yay for kindness. the world has so little empathy or consideration - the environment i work in, the girls, ah! there's so much unkindness. so when small things like this happen, it's like a spot of light in what is otherwise somewhat grim. and this isn't to mention all ya'all far away have done/said to me!

everyone reach out and say something incredibly sincere and empathetic to someone today. this week.
that is all.

beijos and abracos to everyone,
jooj.

oh heavens you are all so wonderful

ya'all are too much. your comments were so, so fantastic! i'm so happy so many of you took the time to share your thoughts. it helps me a great deal i tell you. and i should mention, that one of the intrinsic parts of the program will be teaching the girls how to make baby-carrying slings - both as an income generating activity for them, but also as a way to reinforce these connections we're trying to form in the therapy sessions. so that's totally up the alley of lots of your comments - huzzah!

and it's so much of what you say: breastfeeding is a miracle worker, and just having the women hold and touch their children is so crucial. the problems emerge with those girls who come to lua nova with kids who are already 2-6 years old... (which most of them do)... forming a connection that late in the child's life is very challenging. when the babies should have been breastfed and held, the girls were in incredibly unideal circumstances - so how do you compensate for that?

there are girls who come to the facility while pregnant, and the difference with them is stunning. one girl, pictured on the left here, came here pregnant, and now breastfeeds her 3 month old exclusively (pictured on the right). she has the same background as the rest, and is only 15, but her connection to the baby is so apparent. she is always holding her, talking to her, smiling with her. it's so nice to see, as so many of the other girls mostly ignore their children altogether... it's not even a negative relationship, it's a completely non-existent one...

heavens! today was very hard. i won't detail the failures etc., only to say that i can't get over how insane it is that for each of these girls, many incredibly challenging things are happening simultaneously: how overwhelming is it to be a mother? and then compound that with abandonment, drug detox, recovery from prostitution and abuse? one of these things is enough for anyone - but can you imagine all at once? and as a teenager? alone?

no wonder working with the girls is so challenging - their very existence is compounded and compressed hardship. and actually working through that feels like you're just beating your head against the wall...

ANYWAY: thank you thank you for your help. i really will use all of it, and please keep it coming if you can. i really am more grateful than i can say. it all moves me a great deal to know the care and love in this world - even through blog comments!

beijos e embracos,
julianne.

quase impossivel

how do you teach attachment? how on earth do you instruct a mother to feel attached in a truly selfless way to her child? particularly when that child was born when the mother was only 14, 15, 16 - was born from prostitution or domestic molestation/abuse? when you have no examples, as the people around you are mostly drug addicted/alcoholic/in prison/absent/abusive and all the rest?*

bah!

before coming to brasil my interest in maternal health was focused in africa, on the tragic stories of obstetric fistula, post-partum hemorrhage, eclampsia, and even more complicated issues like breaking down cultural barriers which bar women from accessing proper healthcare before/during/after childbirth. but here! here the problems are so different... maternity at too young an age, in situations of extreme abuse, violence and dysfunction - it's not the medical ramifications of prolonged labor, instead its the sociological/psychological aftermath of a system of abuse and neglect which leaves girls much too young alone and unprepared suddenly in control of a dear little baby to raise. it's so obvious that maternal health doesn't end with the delivery - it keeps going on and on as that child is inexorably glued to this new mother.

the point of lua nova, the organization i'm now working for, is to empower these new mothers to build sustainable lives for themselves and their children. together with their children.

and the point of me being here is to create + direct a support group with the girls to teach them how, in so few words, to be a mom. from bathing an infant to the platitudes of selflessness and putting your child first above all else.

i'm then going to write up a curriculum and other didactic materials to help lua nova perpetuate the program once i leave next june, so they can facilitate this sort of motherhood-training for all girls who come through the organization's doors.

and so! our group started today... me with my utterly awful portuguese trying to explain to the girls what i want us to do in this program (they totes laugh at my horrid accent - if they can even understand me at all! ai ai ai)... i'm preparing for our next session on thursday, which is meant as a baseline evaluation of the relationship and level of attachment between the mothers and their children. can you imagine? since some of the girls are semi-illiterate, i'm going to direct a more arts based activity where they create a collage on their feelings about being a mother - what it means to them to be a mother. and then we'll go from there... 9 months where i have to have lots and lots and lots of patience in this very difficult process. is it even possible?....

....it's all very banal: nothing glamorous or glorious happens or is happening here - things are slow and even seem regressive at times. but it's having patience in that process** and trying to slowly befriend the girls with my horrific portuguese (most of whom are so so kind and open to me - particularly given what they've been through), and lean on the help of the other workers at lua nova too (claro).

i'll keep ya'all updated on how these things go along. (obvs. it's also nice to debrief a bit on this blog as well - in english nonetheless! :)

in the meantime, please share any advice you may have on how i can even manage such a task... i just think of how absolutely, completely, 100% different the experiences of maternity are for the girls here as compared to mimi and david, or ginger and henry, or steph and elliot... so those of you on the other side, what wisdom can you impart? really, anything is welcome :)

beijos,
julianne.

*the case of nearly every girl here: i read the files and back stories of all the girls at lua nova yesterday, and HEAVENS. i stopped myself from collapsing multiple times from imagining about all they've been through... what it actually means to be 13 and prostituting yourself for crack. i mean truly... what an unjust world.

**thank you dad for repeating that phrase 57,000 times to us as we grew up - it helps me quite a lot here :)

new life beginnings!

sorocaba skyline! woo hoo! (as seen from my neighborhood, just 5km west of downtown up on a hill.)



standing on the balcony of lua nova (the organization i now work for)'s downtown sorocaba office. LOVE the bright blue houses in brasil. LOVE.



me in brasil, just to prove it's all really happening. (i also happen to love this huge mirror in my room, it gives the space a classy touch :)



the corner of my kitchen, where i spend lots of time skyping, as the internet miraculously works 2000% better there than anywhere else in the house. notice honey + mug of rooibos tea brought direct from woolie's in south africa. mmmm....

more soon: i.e. i must bring my camera out to aracoiaba, the lovely village 20km from sorocaba where the majority of lua nova's work is done. i'll be spending most days of the week out there, amidst the green green fields, red dirt roads, and bougainvillea.... wish my work was as picturesque as the setting :)

ate breve!
beijos!

um feriado

today is brazil's independence day, meaning the last two days the whole country has taken a holiday, and i haven't started work yet.

SUCH A BLESSING I SAY!

it was so nice to simply take these two days to relax and process all that has happened. to catch up on internet things after the paucity of emailing in india. i've been getting lots of things done (i.e. phd applications i.e. email-deliberating with my potential supervisor i.e. constant revision of my research proposal i.e. lots of work, and lots of nervousness! ee!), finally skyping and catching up with everyone, and sleeping 8 hours a night. yum.


work starts tomorrow, i am def looking forward to it... at the moment sorocaba feels only very foreign to me. i feel like i'm sort of just in the middle of nowhere, trying to feel connected to a place which on the onset simply feels ill-fitting (it's great! south america is just not my usual environment, portuguese not my usual foreign language - i'd feel more at home in kinshasa methinks :). so yes i am eager to just get going and meet the women i'm working with and feel more engaged in my environment....

....but only after some more watching of howards end and skyping with henry, elliot, and david* though :)

thanks to everyone for your nice comments! yay! much love to you all.


*ok, and toni too, obvs :)


and p.s. being on the back of a rickshaw? totally scary! i thought i was going to slip out multiple times. can you relate, ali?

i left berlin and cried at the airport. then i went to india and cried some more. and last night i got to brasil and cried one last time.

and by crying i mean so much has happened and so many things are utterly overwhelming in both good and bad ways. life is mad! let me begin to process through dumping some photos of india on ya'all.



half of the young champions group. there we are at the stage of the global maternal health conference we were in india for. so inspiring/overwhelming. everyone in this picture is from a different country - the group is so diverse, it's wonderful! from left to right, US, brazil, argentina, nigeria, kenya, ethiopia, canada, oman, iran. word.



so many rickshaw trips.







lots of men asked to take pictures with me. this was the only woman to ask - so i returned the favor, snapping one of her and carolina, one of the fellow young champions from brazil! yay!







this was the "street" to our hotel the last day. oh monsoon season!