bah!
before coming to brasil my interest in maternal health was focused in africa, on the tragic stories of obstetric fistula, post-partum hemorrhage, eclampsia, and even more complicated issues like breaking down cultural barriers which bar women from accessing proper healthcare before/during/after childbirth. but here! here the problems are so different... maternity at too young an age, in situations of extreme abuse, violence and dysfunction - it's not the medical ramifications of prolonged labor, instead its the sociological/psychological aftermath of a system of abuse and neglect which leaves girls much too young alone and unprepared suddenly in control of a dear little baby to raise. it's so obvious that maternal health doesn't end with the delivery - it keeps going on and on as that child is inexorably glued to this new mother.
the point of lua nova, the organization i'm now working for, is to empower these new mothers to build sustainable lives for themselves and their children. together with their children.
and the point of me being here is to create + direct a support group with the girls to teach them how, in so few words, to be a mom. from bathing an infant to the platitudes of selflessness and putting your child first above all else.
i'm then going to write up a curriculum and other didactic materials to help lua nova perpetuate the program once i leave next june, so they can facilitate this sort of motherhood-training for all girls who come through the organization's doors.
and so! our group started today... me with my utterly awful portuguese trying to explain to the girls what i want us to do in this program (they totes laugh at my horrid accent - if they can even understand me at all! ai ai ai)... i'm preparing for our next session on thursday, which is meant as a baseline evaluation of the relationship and level of attachment between the mothers and their children. can you imagine? since some of the girls are semi-illiterate, i'm going to direct a more arts based activity where they create a collage on their feelings about being a mother - what it means to them to be a mother. and then we'll go from there... 9 months where i have to have lots and lots and lots of patience in this very difficult process. is it even possible?....
....it's all very banal: nothing glamorous or glorious happens or is happening here - things are slow and even seem regressive at times. but it's having patience in that process** and trying to slowly befriend the girls with my horrific portuguese (most of whom are so so kind and open to me - particularly given what they've been through), and lean on the help of the other workers at lua nova too (claro).
i'll keep ya'all updated on how these things go along. (obvs. it's also nice to debrief a bit on this blog as well - in english nonetheless! :)
in the meantime, please share any advice you may have on how i can even manage such a task... i just think of how absolutely, completely, 100% different the experiences of maternity are for the girls here as compared to mimi and david, or ginger and henry, or steph and elliot... so those of you on the other side, what wisdom can you impart? really, anything is welcome :)
beijos,
julianne.
*the case of nearly every girl here: i read the files and back stories of all the girls at lua nova yesterday, and HEAVENS. i stopped myself from collapsing multiple times from imagining about all they've been through... what it actually means to be 13 and prostituting yourself for crack. i mean truly... what an unjust world.
**thank you dad for repeating that phrase 57,000 times to us as we grew up - it helps me quite a lot here :)
**thank you dad for repeating that phrase 57,000 times to us as we grew up - it helps me quite a lot here :)
13 comments:
oh jooj. that's heavy. my heart is full for those girls and their babies. i don't have any advice, but i know they are so lucky to have you! i can't imagine a more giving and selfless example for them to follow. i love you.
Jooj, Steph is so right and you are so blessed with a family like yours that I know you can truly help these girls to be loved and love their babies. I cannot imagine all they have been through at such a young age but you are there to do good and to be patient as David said.
Love and admire you so much
Grammy
I have no idea what you should do to help those girls. But here's what someone told me on my mission when I didn't know what to do or where to start: Read Alma 37:6.
Also, a wonderful talk when you're feeling overwhelmed: http://byub.org/talks/Talk.aspx?id=3882 (I hope the video comes through in Brazil.)
We're proud of you Jooj. Keep up the good work!
wow, jooj. i can't imagine the scope of a project like that. you have a huge task, but i'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. one thing i try to teach my children constantly is empathy. to put themselves in someone else's shoes and think about how it would feel. maybe it would help those young mothers to kind of have a visualization activity, where they picture their own childhood, the good and the bad, then visualize how they want their own child's life to be the same or different. if they didn't feel loved as a child, for example, what are some ways that they can think of that will help their own child feel loved? kind of a compare/contrast, help them figure out where their feelings come from and then help them develop healthy feelings of self-worth and love in their own child or children.
just brainstorming . . . i'll keep thinking about it. we love you and are so proud!
and you look so cute taking photos in that video! :) that lady is the current president of brazil? awesome!
I love what Leslie said...and along the same lines, having them make "decisions in advance" for their child. Journaling perhaps, what they'd love to see happen in their children's lives, and finding out what steps they need to take to make those things happen. And as that child's mother, they are the most important person in that child's life. Also, and obviously so, just die hard education to the facts of child development. Dismissing the "well it happened to me and I turned out ok" myth.
What an incredible opportunity. Good luck!
More brainstorming following Leslie's good idea. I wonder if you could create a rewards system, where the mothers are able to give rewards or recognition to each other when they see them doing something worth emulating. Then they share what they saw with each other, explain why the behavior was worth emulating, and learn together.
I heard a story a while ago about women in Cambodian refugee camps who had gone through unbelievable stuff. (Listen to it here: http://castroller.com/podcasts/TheMothPodcast/1760516-Andrew%20Solomon%20The%20Refugees)
One woman in a resettlement camp started a group to help women refugees who had been through horrible experiences. She felt like they weren't taking care of their kids in part because of the trauma they had been through. So she developed three steps to bring the women back to society and to help them rediscover their humanity. Here's how she describes the third step. It sounds totally crazy, but take a look:
“‘I would teach them the third thing: which was to perform manicures and pedicures.’ … She said, ‘You know, the worst atrocity of all that was brought by the Khmer Rouge was that half the country turned against the other half of the country. And people who lived through that period knew that they couldn’t put anything in anyone else, and they completely lost the habit of looking anyone else in the eye.’
She said and ‘All of these women had been deprived for a long time of any occasion to indulge in the least bit of personal vanity. I brought them to my hut, and I built a special room that I would fill with steam. And it was a pleasure for them to feel beautiful. But what was really amazing for them was that, in this context, it was something that was at once very intimate and very impersonal. And they would start, because I was telling them how to do it and giving them some instruction, to handle each others’ fingers and each others’ toes. And it meant they were touching each other. And if I had told them to begin to hold each others’ hands or to have some kind of physical contact with other people, they would’ve shied away and they would have pulled back. They weren’t ready to do anything with anyone. But, in this context, they would touch each others’ fingers, touch each others’ toes, and then, because it was such a funny context, and because they felt so happy about the fact that they were, for a moment, feeling a little bit beautiful again, they would begin to laugh together. And they would begin to tell each other little bits of stories and things and that was the way that I taught them to trust again.’”
The story goes on to describe how the women learned to serve one another and to be served (to feel valued/loved). I don't think the exact same thing would work in your situation, but maybe it will spark some ideas. The point is she taught them how to take care of each other and to feel valued in the process. In the end they were able to trust other people again.
i think what you're are doing is unbelievable.
can i asked how you got involved. how you joined up with unicef. did you study all this stuff in school? i selfishly want to know everything!!
and your comment was dead on. i was a fish out of water. with no real space of my own there in utah. not control over my own life. no transportation. and without even realizing it the eating disorder crept in to try and create some stability. ironic because it's so not helpful. thank you, thank you a million times over for your comment.
xo
meg
Coming from part of the world where every child does not see the age of five, mothers are not attached to their children and just go about caring for them.
When I had my son, it took months for me to get attached to him, because every women in my family kept telling me to wait till the baby is born to buy everything: crib, clothes, diapers because you never know what could happen at delivery.
What helped me get attached to JJ is the breastfeeding. I am not sure if the girls you are helping are breastfeeding their children but that simple act bonds a mother to her child. Furthermore, if there can be ways to get the girls to be patient at breastfeeding because it is one of the most difficult things for new babies to learn, it will expedite the attachment.
The other thing I would try is co-sleeping. If the girl sees how dependent her child is to her and how the love is unconditional, it might help her see that she will not get hurt again.
Best of luck Julianne and I love your updates.
Wow that is really hard. How do you teach a girl who never had a mother to be a mother? Tough stuff. You know I've actually been thinking a lot about this lately ( I just posted a woman on my blog that these girls could relate to). I know that you probably can't get religious with your girls but really, the greatest force for change and good is the gospel of Jesus Christ. There are thousands ways you can teach these girls about Christ-like love without ever "preaching." I think that the pedicure idea is great-- it teaches them to serve and touch one another.
I've also found that in my own life it has often worked to use models-- like the Visiting teaching or the family home evening model-- in different women's organizations I've worked with. You don't have to call it those things but the basic principles can be powerful tools.
You will do a great job. those girls are lucky to have you. And you will make more a of difference than you realize.
Hi Julianne,
You don't know me- I came to your blog from your sister Stephanie's (she doesn't know me either). (Gotta love the blogging world, right?!) Anyway, I read your post this morning, and I've been thinking about it all day. While I was rocking my own baby to sleep tonight, a few thoughts came to me, so I thought I would just throw them out there. (Sorry in advance for this being so long.)
First, I really liked what Elliot said about the pedicures. I also liked what Huda said about co-sleeping (which I did with my kids for the first month or two and I felt really helped my bonding with them). But these things started me thinking about the power physical touch has on bonding. My youngest son was in the NICU when he was born premature. A common practice there is something called "Kangaroo Care". To do this, you take off babies clothes (leave diaper on)and lay them on mom's chest (skin to skin). You just let them lay there- there have been lots of studies done (you'd have to google them- I'm not familiar with specifics), but this drastically improves the health of the premature baby and speeds recovery. I wonder if this concept (or some variation of it) would be helpful with bonding?? I do think that physical touch between mom and baby are hugely important (which is probably why breastfeeding helps so much with bonding).
Another idea I had was about the movement of "rocking" (as in a rocking chair). A friend of mine was teling me the other day of her mother who had begun being a foster parent for several children who had been severely abused. The mother had gone through some training to prepare her for parenting these children. Aparently, one thing that has shown to really help these type children is to sit and rock them. I guess (and I don't know how accurate this info is)there are little tiny hairs inside your ear that sway slightly with a rocking motion. THis motion has shown to be very soothing and helpful to the body with healing. I wonder if this concept would be helpful for these young mothers (who could use healing themselves), but I wonder if this would help in bonding to their children- to sit and rock with them. I also wonder if teaching them some soothing lullaby type songs for them to sing to their babies might be helpful here as well. And, as a side note, it seems like rocking and signing to your baby has been a common practice for a long, long time. I wonder if there is some "truth" to this practice- if sharing the soothing experience of music and the motion of rocking helps bind mother and baby??
Lastly, (sorry again that this is so long), I was thinking about the collages you had the girls make depicting their current feelings on being a mother. I know that "therapy" in general uses many different mediums and methods. This made me think about the common practice of mothers "creating" things for their babies. You know- getting ready for their baby. Making clothes, baby blankets, etc. That is something that for me helps get me excited about a baby coming. I wondered if the exercise of a young mother getting to make something simple and beautiful for her baby would be a different kind of a way (therapy) for her to begin to bond with her baby. I don't know if you have access to material or if donations could be arranged- but it could possibly be very theraputic for the girls to have a creative outlet and to make a small, simple blanket or little crocheted hat for their baby, or a little toy out of wood/fabric... or SOMEthing like that.
Those are just a few ideas I had.
Good luck with your work there!!
I hope you will post more about what you're doing and how things are going along. I would love to hear.
~Tiffany from AZ :)
Hi Julianne,
I found your blog a few days ago and I'm not sure how, except that you were a WomanStats-er and so was I (so we probably have some deep Hudson-bond :). I looooooove what you're doing and it's exactly what I would like to do at some point! UNICEF, babies, maternal health, love it.
Anyway, when I read this the first thing I thought of was babywearing. This is probably an obvious one, and I'm not sure if it's common in Brazil, but I read somewhere that heart to heart contact between mother and child stimulates some hormone that activates not only the baby's system but also the mother's. If I remember right, it stimulates a reaction in the mother that helps her respond to and nurture her infant. So babywearing on your left-- pretty simple huh? I will keep thinking.
Good luck girl! Can't wait to hear more updates (is that too stalker-ish?)
Boa sorte,
Vanessa from Mexico
your job sounds intense! but somebody has to do it and im so glad is you! it is so sad to hear what those girls have gone through at such a young age. i can't even imagine. i wish you the best of luck! im sure you will help those girls a great deal! x
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