je me sens [un peu] déprimée

and despite all efforts, i can't hide it from my blog. you see, a wonderful position i was supposed to interview for at the gates foundation today had been cut from their budget last week - but they decided not to tell me, but keep going through with the interview (now an "informal introduction") and put me through a horrid emotional roller-coaster... as if i have not had enough in the last months.

this position i work at currently at johns hopkins is fine and good - but it isn't "technically" full-time (even though i seem to work 40+ hours/week for them) and the funding is in such a tenuous place that i have absolutely no future security with it. i still need a real job.

and after so much work, i've fallen up short. still. i still feel in limbo, and am confused on where to go from here aside from starting all over again at the same place i was half a year ago. at the moment i have zero strength to go through it all once more, and feel like a mountain retreat into sundance is all i'm good for right now. it's very difficult to keep faith at the moment, though i feel i have been sincerely trying. am i simply not trying hard enough? it makes me question what exactly i am doing wrong...

oh, sad face. i reeeeally need to hug stella or sadie right about now :) so happy for thanksgiving next week so i can see moo, parkie and audish.

p.s. i do still find DC beautiful and do think living here is wondrous: i just wish i actually felt i 'lived' here...

p.p.s. there is a shred of hope that a job in new york may work out, so yes there is that. insha'Allah insha'Allah.