on a lighter note...

i saw actor jason schwartzman FOR THE THIRD TIME today.

first time he was walking next to me texting in dumbo.

second time he was buying lunch with me.

third time he's with ted danson, filming that new show they're in.


i officially have a celebrity stalker now, ja?

oh, new york.


(p.s. methinks now is as good a time as any to get out of the united nations anyway...)

at the still point of the turning world.

oh life decisions! oh such fun and delight, oui? these crossroads, these choices and paths to be taken.

i know i had vaguely mentioned before that unicef wanted me to stay on - that i rejected their offer in favor of moving to berlin, unemployed, not speaking german.

well. this afternoon the full weight of this was crushed down on me as my very kind and wonderful boss sat me down for a full hour, asking me if i was absolutely sure that i wanted to leave. she described how difficult it will be to find my replacement, how nervous it makes her to "give me up" - and then has tasked me with starting the recruiting process to find said replacement. within this process i must write up the consultant's terms of reference/job description. would you like to know what it entails?

oh yes, it entails 11 2-week visits to various unicef country offices over the next year, to locations as diverse as indonesia, tajikistan, congo, and vietnam (to name but a few). on the country visits the consultant will undertake considerable research and evaluation of unicef's partnerships with community-based and national civil society organizations, then return to new york and write reports and guidance for unicef on how to increase the efficacy of partnerships for its mission to ensure basic services like health, nutrition, and education to impoverished children worldwide.

i have built the foundation for this fantastic position over the last year: i've paid the dues in the new york cubicle, and my replacement will reap many of the benefits.

and my boss is begging me to stay. (i really say none of this to brag, but just to emphasize how hard it is for me to say, again and again, no - i cannot stay.)

in case you're wondering, toni is in a similar predicament, just on a different timeline. you see, his current contract in berlin ends in december. after that point he had promised me to move anywhere i so wished. his boss wants him to stay with the same desperation as my own. she has even gone to her superiors, saying they'll need to make toni a much better offer if he's going to stay. but no, he will not, because he (and i) are quite certain that the best place for us right now is not berlin - while it will do until december, he knows it's not my home the way it is his, and he's consenting to give up a higher, glamorous position in order to go wherever i deem appropriate for us to land.

oh le sigh. i remind myself again and again that these seeming-sacrifices are not sacrifices at all, considering a job should never be the first priority, that toni and i are both trying to work towards something with quite a bit more importance. something much more fulfilling. because i know if i stayed in new york, travelling around the world and writing more guidance notes for unicef's programming, there would be an inherent vacuous-ness to it all - i know a part of me would feel empty. it's the emptiness i feel when i think of forging off on my own on such a path. it's not totally bad - it could be very good, but i am asking for something more.

and so yes, when people ask (as they always do), "what will you be doing in berlin?" there is a momentary sting of knowing what i will not be doing - and on top of that there is the plain and simple truth that i have no idea what i will be doing. and i'm always greeted with skeptical glances and incredulous well-wishes (which really doesn't help me that much). BUT. this is the decision i have made and i think it would be nothing but foolishness to choose a job over all the rest - all the possibility that is inherent in me being in berlin, being with toni.

sorry for the very personal (and uber-long!!) post. (toni, i hope it's ok with you that i wrote it :) it's just the end of the workday, i've come out of that meeting and i needed a bit of a vent.

and would you not agree that as fantastic as a job is, it is not the end-all? even if giving it up means plunging into an uncertain future? i would love other thoughts on the matter if you could spare a moment... has anyone else been in a similar position?

towards an expanded view of feminism*

yesterday i attended a really, really fantastic workshop/meeting at work about reaching out to men and boys in the fight towards gender equality. the workshop left me feeling incredibly warm and inspired, and confirmed that any good idea for development/poverty reduction/human rights is something we have to first adopt in the home and family setting if anything at all is going to change.

so let me explain. by change, i mean reversing the gross abuses levelled against humanity based on economic status and gender: one such example yesterday (that left me FULL of warmth and inspiration), was the testimony of the (male) MP from uganda who took the anti-female genital cutting bill under his wing and hurtled it into law with a 100% passing rate. his experience touches on so many basic realities: that men are by and large the ones in power (over 70% of uganda's parliament are male), that men listen better to men, and that if injustices levelled against women are going to be conquered, we need as many men enlisted in the fight alongside female activists. how do you stop violence against women unless the majority of the perpetrators are engaged in the debate? we need strong women, yes of course - but we also need strong men. men who are attune to what is happening, and who have a more rounded and comfortable view of gender to understand that masculinity does not mean distance, emotional stuntedness, and power through violence - but that empathy, kindness, compassion and understanding are the strongest qualities a man can have. really think of how revolutionary that is - i can't imagine if that gender construct were actually adopted or popularized - and yet think of how much suffering it would erase if we actually embraced it?

i feel so lucky to have had such amazing men in my own family: when my (female) friends and i planned that anti-violence against women campaign at byu years ago, my brother lincoln was one of the loudest voices at the rally, helping pass out fliers and telling me simply: "unless men stop doing this, it's not going to stop." he even volunteered at a woman's shelter in provo. i mean really. he's amazing.

and dad! i mean, c'mon. one of the speakers at the workshop, head of the white ribbon campaign (men against violence against women), spoke about the socialization of gender norms that happens at the most fundamental neurological levels from when we are just infants. and he asked, very poignantly, how boys are supposed to grow up with a clear view of masculinity when men are by-and-large missing from their infant-toddler-childhoods? when men and fathers are absent, how easy is it for the boy to grow up thinking that being a man means being remote, aloof - communicating and getting close only through violent or emotionally-shallow means?

this makes so much basic sense when examining the cultures where fathers are absent, and where violence prevails. how important to have women and men equally raising babies with their sponge-like brains, soaking up all examples around them - and how AMAZING to see my brothers, brothers-in-law and father and their crucial examples of this very form of child-rearing.

if we are to improve the world at all, particularly the world in all its harshness to women, we need to begin in our own homes to promote the qualities of empathy and understanding. to work together, men and women - equally important forces in the fight. i'm not sure how to end this but to say that i love the men in my life for being so kind and supportive and wonderful examples. i wish more boys grew up with such fathers so cycles of violence could actually end. and i wish more women understood how important it is to engage men in a constructive way. i wish that feminism was not defined in such a limited way, but that we could all say we believed in the parity of the sexes, equality in the context of difference, that we all have something to contribute to help heal our communities riddled with gender-based violence and discrimination. too many sex-selective abortions, forced marriages, honor killings, and routine domestic violence occur around the world for us to say the fight feminism began decades ago is now over.

*ok ok, i may or may not have read cjane's post on my lunch hour. this is sort of my response :)

miscellaneous variables that irk and delight

irk:

- i am now sharing my room for the next 2 weeks, with the girl who is replacing me when i move away. (she had to move into our apartment early due to a gap between her former lease and taking over my own. wilkommen in new york!) she is very nice, but also intense with very, very little sense of personal space. oh, sigh sigh sigh.

- wearing my green winter coat ONE MORE DAY may kill me.

- my desk is still grey, and sitting in front of my computer in this little cube still swallows the majority of my day.

- toni is no longer here :(

- all things combine to make me feel SO DONE with my current living situation. new york? still charming. gray work environment for 4 more weeks + cramped apartment w/ no privacy = hello, berlin!

- that being said, another irk: german prepositions. AH why are they the hardest thing to master in any language?! and throw in cases?! GAH.

BUT! delight!:

- my work-mate gave me a gorgeous tulip today, symbol of spring, symbol of the soon-to-be warm weather in my new soon-to-be home of berlin.

- listening to wnyc's classical station while at said grey desk, it is utterly lovely and gavin bryer's "the south downs" just played and i nearly floated away from everything.

- mom is coming in 2 weeks! yay! :)

- did i mention that toni in all his kindness hauled a VERY HEAVY suitcase of dresses and books all the way back to berlin for me? this makes my own load SO much lighter. oh, toni.

- did i further mention that mom offered to do the same? moving cross-continents with stringent air berlin baggage allowances calls for considerable aid from loved ones in the form of taking an extra suitcase back on their flights. ah, the kindness and love!

- mcnally jackson tonight + free talk at tenement museum tomorrow night + met opera thursday night = delightful new york city wonder.

hope your delights win out over your irks today :)

much love to you all,

an overly irritable [and trunky] version of myself.

winter descendeth once again

oh yes oh yes i love new york

last night with toni and 2 more germans (me + 3 german men on the town!!), i bought the full price movie ticket at film forum because my year-long membership just expired a few days ago, obviously not to be renewed because i have only 4 weeks left in the city.

and oh no! oh no oh no, in this week of free string quartets at lincoln center, motorino pizzas, ethiopian documentaries, bagelsbagelsbagels, chelsea openings, fort tryons, williamsburg banks, almondine macarons, fairways, levain cookies, wagner colleges, dumbo friends, num pangs, snowy central parks, and all the rest i think oh no oh no i love this city too too much to leave. i know this city too too well, it fits me like a glove.

but wait wait wait. it's quite obvious that i love this city so much this week because of a certain beloved bearded man accompanying me at each step. the weeks when he is not here, of course it's charming and i have great affection for the concrete mountains, but life is only that much rosier when the man you love is strolling with you hand in hand, ja?

and he is the very reason i am leaving, to (hopefully) make berlin as natural to me as new york is, and so i calm down a bit and realize that in 3 days, when i'm alone in the city again, i know i will no longer think oh no oh no i cannot leave. yes i leave a great deal behind and step into a great unknown, but if i can feel the way i have at so many points this week ALL THE TIME, then how on earth could i not say adieu to these beloved 5 boroughs?

so cher new york, i will start now in preparing my 4-week adieu. i'm certain we will meet again in the future, i will renew film forum memberships and shop exclusively at fairway and go to powerhouse book readings and it will be grand once more. but for now, i'm trading you in for a very different model, one in which they speak a very different language, but one which holds something a bit more appealing than bagels (yes, it is possible).

in other words: toni and i are feasting on the city, it is glorious and hard at the same time, he leaves on saturday, i am sad, sad that we have to have another goodbye, but overjoyed that it will only last 4 weeks. and then no more goodbyes. huzzahhuzzahhuzzah!

ok ok. enough with the circuitous introverted ranting. back to unicef-related matters :)

for your consideration, exhibits a - d:

my dear german arrives thursday for a last visit to my city before i leave it to take up residency in his :)

exhibit a:


and in anticipation, this morning i trekked out to a little bagel shop in brooklyn (an accidental discovery of ours in january) in order to stock up on their DELECTABLE french toast bagels for our highly-anticipated and soon-to-be-very-missed new york breakfasts. french toast + bagel = DELECTABLE.

i also picked up this GORGEOUS and CHARMING 100+ year old little photo of venice.

exhibit b:

GORGEOUS. CHARMING.

while strolling through here,

exhibit c:
STUNNING.

and once more it's olympic viewing party tonight - although really, did anyone else find the opening ceremonies last night kinda bizarre and lame?

exhibit d:




FIN.

guess what guess what guess what?!?!

my computer works! my computer works! my computer works!!!!!

yes yes yes!!! i came in my room no more than 10 minutes ago, saw my laptop just lying there, open, black and empty. i thought - hey, why not? why not press the little power button and see what happens.

ET VOILA.

are there words? hardly!

only to declare from the mountaintops that my computer works, and that new york is BEAUTIFUL in the snow - or rather, part of it, namely the central park part of it that i walked through tonight on the way home from work... so so quiet and eerily white as the sun went down, the skyscrapers began to light up - ah! BEAUTIFUL.

i didn't take this picture (my camera is heavy) - but it is quite accurate. what a BEAUTIFUL DAY.

timeline of my week

MONDAY

7am. woke up sickety sick sick. despite what i know will be a highly-packed work week, i also couldn't swallow, nor hardly lift my head up, so alas: i decided to work from home.

12pm. been pushing fluids and a senegal case study non-stop for the last 5 hours. feeling quite comfortable, lying on my bed, laptop perched on my lap, water in my left hand - until oh no oh no oh no the most awful thing ever, me in all my clumsiness and fuzzy-sick-head-thinking tip my glass, water spills on my keyboard, i LEAP UP and shake and mop off. mind you, it was really only about 3/4 an inch that spilled out - but mind you further, it spilled directly on the keyboard. computer dies.

2pm. at the apple store on 5th avenue in my pajamas. they've taken my beloved laptop apart, dried it out as best they could, then said to leave it open for a week to allow every morsel of moisture to evaporate, return, see if it works properly, or else alas. another computer must be bought. (no no no no no!)

rest of day. cry at this prospect. also cry that i lost 5 hours of precious work, when i'm under an ugly deadline.

TUESDAY

8am. back at the office, feeling increasingly sick throughout the day, but got lovely text messages to cheer me up from toni, sadie and moe :)

5.30pm. on the phone with my boss in geneva, when a colleague comes up, puts the following post-it-note on my computer screen "big snow storm tomorrow, UN may be closed, call 212-326-7101 in the morning to find out." !!!!!!!!!!!

WEDNESDAY

7am. slowly get out of my melatonin-induced slumber. can't swallow yet again, but behold! i part my curtains and there they are! big, big chunky flakes falling from a white white sky!!

7.05am. out in the living room, the view onto broadway is blindingly white, i can no longer see the river or across to jersey. i call the UN helpline, and why yes "Please be advised that due to increment weather, the UN complex in New York will be closed Wednesday, February 10, 2010." (isn't it amazing that the UN can simply shut down? oh it's all so absurd.)

10.34am. 3 mugs of tea, 3 chocolate-covered digestives and 2 glasses of orange juice later, working on my very kind roommate's computer editing this never-ending senegal case study with a WINTER WONDERLAND OUTSIDE.

10.35am. SO HAPPY we had a UN snow day today. not only because i still feel utterly ill, but i also now feel as if i've finally made up for all that sunshine in the OC meaning no snow days. we only ever got extra days off school when our teachers were on strike (which, admittedly was frequent.)

10.36am. yes, still very very very sad about my computer. oh please little macbook, don't die! don't die!

10.37am. back to work. will take pictures of the metropolitan blizzard and post some other day. in the meantime, much love you all!

i sit on my computer all day at work, so about 85% of my posts are about unicef

i do apologize.

but i had to spill just a wee bit this fine Nachmittag. (not as if i know it's fine as i've been inside since 8am and have no windows nearby. but i'm sure it is.)

i seem to rail against unicef and all its politics a great deal, especially of late. but having just returned from the 8th floor of the unicef offices, better known as the health section, and having attended yet another incredibly impressive thursday 11am technical update from the health team, i really have to step back on my criticisms and put them in context. you see, i work on the 11th floor, and if anything, the UN is heirarchical (ha). the executive director rests on the 13th, and it seems the higher you go the more entrenched you are in policy and process, less in outputs and results, and thus more susceptible to the egos and politics of large organizations.

but when i go down to the health meetings on the 8th floor, or the emergency section's on the 5th, water/sanitation on the 6th, i'm routinely impressed by the high level of expertise, innovation, and critical thinking at play. and it makes me uber-excited that there really are huge parts of unicef who are doing critical work, with thoughtful expertise. staff and projects who are concerned about realities on the ground, not afraid to self-question or re-evaluate or change... my problem is that i'm in a division which is so utterly entrenched in all the fashionable debates and politics of international development - i lie in the middle of donor, civil society, and government arguments about foreign aid and aid effectiveness and paris declarations and accra agendas and i'm truly, utterly disgusted at it all.

now one can't necessarily have one without the other - but is it too much to ask that i move down a few floors? the technical update/lecture today was on infant feeding in the context of HIV - ah! it was so revelatory and i felt like i was in a university setting - so much thoughtful debate and consideration of best practice. a few weeks ago there was a lecture on tropical enteropathy that nearly blew my mind.

so. conclusion of the week: i still admire unicef. i wouldn't mind working for them in the future. i would just like to try out other sections, namely health, namely maternal health, since this is where my true interest lies, and where i think actual impact can be made. also, it'd be nice to get out of new york. try a country office on for size. i'd love to see how things happen at that level.

eh voila. i've learned so much the last year of working for unicef, i've perhaps been too critical, but today i concede that there are systems which do seem to work, and in which i sort of wish i was more a part of.

if you've made it this far, many thanks for listening to this long and utterly-boring diatribe. but in case you were wondering if the whole UN was bunk, i can firmly say no, it is not. and with that, happy thursday to everyone!