at the still point of the turning world.

oh life decisions! oh such fun and delight, oui? these crossroads, these choices and paths to be taken.

i know i had vaguely mentioned before that unicef wanted me to stay on - that i rejected their offer in favor of moving to berlin, unemployed, not speaking german.

well. this afternoon the full weight of this was crushed down on me as my very kind and wonderful boss sat me down for a full hour, asking me if i was absolutely sure that i wanted to leave. she described how difficult it will be to find my replacement, how nervous it makes her to "give me up" - and then has tasked me with starting the recruiting process to find said replacement. within this process i must write up the consultant's terms of reference/job description. would you like to know what it entails?

oh yes, it entails 11 2-week visits to various unicef country offices over the next year, to locations as diverse as indonesia, tajikistan, congo, and vietnam (to name but a few). on the country visits the consultant will undertake considerable research and evaluation of unicef's partnerships with community-based and national civil society organizations, then return to new york and write reports and guidance for unicef on how to increase the efficacy of partnerships for its mission to ensure basic services like health, nutrition, and education to impoverished children worldwide.

i have built the foundation for this fantastic position over the last year: i've paid the dues in the new york cubicle, and my replacement will reap many of the benefits.

and my boss is begging me to stay. (i really say none of this to brag, but just to emphasize how hard it is for me to say, again and again, no - i cannot stay.)

in case you're wondering, toni is in a similar predicament, just on a different timeline. you see, his current contract in berlin ends in december. after that point he had promised me to move anywhere i so wished. his boss wants him to stay with the same desperation as my own. she has even gone to her superiors, saying they'll need to make toni a much better offer if he's going to stay. but no, he will not, because he (and i) are quite certain that the best place for us right now is not berlin - while it will do until december, he knows it's not my home the way it is his, and he's consenting to give up a higher, glamorous position in order to go wherever i deem appropriate for us to land.

oh le sigh. i remind myself again and again that these seeming-sacrifices are not sacrifices at all, considering a job should never be the first priority, that toni and i are both trying to work towards something with quite a bit more importance. something much more fulfilling. because i know if i stayed in new york, travelling around the world and writing more guidance notes for unicef's programming, there would be an inherent vacuous-ness to it all - i know a part of me would feel empty. it's the emptiness i feel when i think of forging off on my own on such a path. it's not totally bad - it could be very good, but i am asking for something more.

and so yes, when people ask (as they always do), "what will you be doing in berlin?" there is a momentary sting of knowing what i will not be doing - and on top of that there is the plain and simple truth that i have no idea what i will be doing. and i'm always greeted with skeptical glances and incredulous well-wishes (which really doesn't help me that much). BUT. this is the decision i have made and i think it would be nothing but foolishness to choose a job over all the rest - all the possibility that is inherent in me being in berlin, being with toni.

sorry for the very personal (and uber-long!!) post. (toni, i hope it's ok with you that i wrote it :) it's just the end of the workday, i've come out of that meeting and i needed a bit of a vent.

and would you not agree that as fantastic as a job is, it is not the end-all? even if giving it up means plunging into an uncertain future? i would love other thoughts on the matter if you could spare a moment... has anyone else been in a similar position?