sometimes nothing works, and happy november

i live nearly 30 kms from where i work. for the first weeks i would get to work with lua nova's driver, i.e. a very old VW van that goes back and forth between the 5 different lua nova locations nearly 457 times per day. in other words the driver is incredibly busy, would often forget to pick me up, and if he did remember, i would often be out at the shelter for 13 or so hours, which was super un-productive and beyond draining.

so i got lua nova to give me a bus pass [otherwise they're very very expensive], which means i now go to and from work at my own leisure, and it has truly transformed the job: i'm there more often, my time there is more useful, and overall i get more sleep. so huzzah!

but.

somedays everything just seems to go wrong, no? today was such a day, and considering it's the first day of november and the first day of (yet another) new work schedule/plan for us at lua nova, i feel so discouraged, realizing that things will probably just continue to go on in the haphazard and disorganized fashion of the last two months. (nooooooo!!!)

so! i picked up my first bus here in the city just fine. because of conflicting schedules, i arrive at the village bus station 45 minutes before my second bus leaves to drop me closer to lua nova's shelter. i don't mind the waiting. i read and the bus station, though outside, has a big shaded area with chairs. so huzzah.

but today! aaaah today. the second bus didn't come inside the bus station as usual. it stopped (for about 2 seconds) on the street to the side of the station, and left before me and a few other people in the station could even realize it had arrived. so! i would have to wait one more full hour for the next bus, bringing my total commute time to 3 1/2 hours. one way.

by this time my sweat [even in the shade] had completely soaked my clothes and i knew i wouldn't have enough time to go to the shelter, do my class with the girls, and make it back to the city for an afternoon meeting. so instead i decided to just walk the 15 minutes to the stop where the direct-to-sorocaba bus would come within the next half hour and thus at least make my [somewhat important] meeting.

oh but wait! i missed that bus too! i waved it down per usual and IT KEPT DRIVING. by this point, i was so hot, sweaty, and upset at the complete uselessness of the day that i just marched on up the highway to the next bus stop to wait another 45 minutes for the next bus. (at least i was walking - doing something! - besides waiting)

the good news is i eventually made it back to sorocaba, approximately 4 1/2 hours after i left my house, having not even seen the girls at the shelter or accomplished anything whatsoever besides turn my dress a darker shade of purple and nearly finishing leaves of grass. (ok that admittedly is something.)

oh sigh. i hope this is not an omen for the next month? i had such high hopes! alas! brazil!!! how you thwart me at every turn!!!

ps. so sorry for the debbie downer post again :( i have no one to vent to here - ya'all are such a nice release if you don't mind! :)

as meninas da lua (i.e. i finally brought my camera to work today)

what i mean to say is

sorocaba surprised me today.

yes sunday's post was mostly a lament on my total lack of life outside of work here. my unfortunate lack of integration into brazilian culture. even in niamey, niger where getting a fanta and peanuts at the grand hotel was the best outing you could hope for, i would come home from the hospital every night and have a super interesting conversation over dinner with ghaichatou and her family, the nigerienne woman i lived with - it was wonderful and i felt i had something to look forward to, to release into after the draining experience of working at a fistula pavilion.*

here, the draining days at lua nova spill over into each other with very little in between.

BUT. as i said, i had an extraordinarily pleasant day thanks to this city i so easily threw to the wolves in sunday's post:

after teaching my morning english class (yes, there is one small thing outside of work! haha! i'll have to tell you more on it later), i ventured out into the city on foot on a long long walk. the clouded sky meant i could do this without completely drenching my clothing in sweat, and i managed to find a bookstore cum cafe. and next to that a beautiful old little church cum garden. i sat in that cafe, and then in that garden, read, wrote, and generally felt at peace. at home.

small victories! but i tell you it was so renewing. so needed.

so thanks, sorocaba. my faith in you has been restored.

um beijo,
joojie.

*i also had ali with me. who is one of my fave people in the world and i can never discount the joy her presence gives me. love you babe.

**photo of me in the lodhi gardens at twilight in delhi. aaaaah!!! 500 year old tombs! sooo rad!!!

sehnsucht.

i must say that in these last weeks i've had my first ever twinges of homesickness. and when i say homesickness, i mean a longing for previous and even potential locations i have/may live/d in... i drift back and remember that once i called damascus home. and paris. rolling green hills in england... berlin naturally, and then the one which triumphs over them all: new york! oh new york.... i feel our time was cut so short, and i think of the place everyday. wonderful new york times photo retrospectives don't help either.

then i jump into kayak.com and search for potential itineraries and plans for next summer: working at the edna adan maternity hospital is my current ideal. i even inquired east african safari air safari express (yes that's the name of the airline - hehe!) about the costs of flights to hargeisa. working simultaneously here on a variety of future ethiopian projects (phd + potential fistula organization... ee! exciting!) is again, not helping.

don't get me wrong, i am happy to be here in brazil: the work is getting better, i am learning loads - about innovative ways of treatment and public health, new perspectives on maternal health and maternity. of development and poverty cycles. of the reality of behaviour change, education formation and therapy. a full language even!

it's just that outside of that, there is admittedly so so little. as i explained to dear ali* this week, sorocaba could be most closely compared to rancho cucumunga, if any of you remember that blip of a place on the side of the 15 on the drive to utah. the greatest activity here is to go to the mall. which guess what i totes did on friday night. i went to the movies, and it was actually splendid.

but the point is that the work is not nearly enough to fill the hours that go by: the girls need to be on their own, make decisions and craft their lives on their own. and so the outside hours, which are occasionally filled with truly lovely lunches and conversations with my handful of friends here, are spent burying into the entire collected short stories of henry james (5 volumes at 1000 pages each), an anthology of american women's writing, and novelised versions of ethiopian medical history.

while i can by no means complain about all the reading (love.it.), in those down hours my mind keeps drifting to hopping the 1 train to film forum. to balcony dinners with toni on skalitzer straße. and then goes forward to returning to africa, where i am 100% more in my comfort zone than here in this brazilian version of inland california.

i promise this is not a complaint, and i wouldn't want to be anywhere but where i am right now. i just feel i am allowed feelings of homesickness now, at age 25, right? considering i never had them before?

and does anyone else have those restless longings for other places you've lived? places with whom your relationship was prematurely ended?

i can only dig into the here and now, and have confidence that future versions of myself will once again reinhabit manhattan. kreuzberg. maybe even paris. africa for sure. and for the moment i do have brazil before me: sorocaba may be boring**, but i can fly to rio for less than $100 roundtrip.***

and now let me go tuck in with mr. james for the rest of the evening,
here's to you all in your lugares diversos :)

beijinhos,
julianne.


*as you can see ali is also feeling homesick for places that aren't technically her "home." i feel better already.
**sorry sorocaba, i don't mean to be mean.
***yes that may happen in two weeks. aaaah sera muito legal!! will keep you posted.

disclaimer: my blogposts have turned into novels here in brazil. (or were they always?) (again, blame the fact that i moved alone to rancho cucumunga. :) to all of you who make it to the ends of my tirades, you deserve a fresh pair of havaianas and dolce de leite. i will try to accommodate pronto.

better late than never, no?

when i arrived in brazil 6 weeks ago (heavens! can you believe it's been 6 weeks?!), lua nova was in the midst of an administrative and staff overhaul. coordinators who had been here for 8 or 10 years were leaving and being replaced. replacements would then drop out and new ones would come. promises were made and then forgotten.

in other words, the last 6 weeks have been no short of organizational chaos... as i know i have many a time mentioned. but i tell you i have even held back [if you can believe it] from the extent of my frustration.

BUT. THE CLOUDS HAVE PARTED.

new dawn is coming to this new moon! enter regis, a 20-something local sorocabano who is WONDERFUL. having grown up in a favela himself, he is taking over as new project coordinator and is shaping things up. he and i have been talking the last days and we have a new game plan for my project, a game plan that actively addresses all the massive issues that have prevented my project from really lifting off... namely...

lack of transport.
apathy on the part of girls. on the part of other educators.
miscommunication.
lack of capacity to work with all the girls.
idleness.

i tell you that things are a-changin' here at ole' lua nova, and i couldn't be happier about it. the last weeks have been filled with many, so maaannny disappointments, and no doubt there will be more, but i'm telling you, i'm incredibly optimistic at this moment. if for nothing else i can now actually kind of speak portuguese, so that makes everything better. i am still awful at it and avoid the subjunctive altogether, but people understand me now, and i can say basically anything i want so long as it has no emotional nuance. who needs gray areas, anyway?! viva o preto e branco!!! :)

beijos to you all,
joojie.

the last days were spent in sao paulo city with mom and dad. i.e., it was glorious

sao paulo goes onnnn and onnn and ooooon!!! insane.




mom in gorgeous, goooooorgeous ibirapuera park in the center of sao paulo. reminded me of central park and i got homesick. oh, love!




view from our hotel room. incredible!

i miss them so much already. they really are the best parents in the world! not many people would go through all they did to come down here... so now the question is who else wants to come down ole' south american way? :)

bringing the new york hipster to brasil/SO HAPPY

1. it's friday!


2. spent the day with the girls + meeting with a new coordinator at lua nova who is serious about bringing more order and sense to the place and i'm SO optimistic/relieved for future changes to all these scattered routines! things are truly and rapidly improving on the work front. HU-ZZAH.


3. MOM AND DAD GOT THEIR VISAS! finally finally finally after nearly 4 weeks of wrangling a process that should take only 48 hours, after a letter direct to the brazilian ambassador to the united states himself, mom and dad were granted their tourist vias and will be here sunday. yes they should have arrived this morning, but i'll take what i can get! oh so much love!


4. i came home from lua nova and decided to watch project runway and try to pretend like i still lived in new york city by doing the ever-popular-fall-trend-for-chic-women-heidi-braids. (or maybe i'm just pining for germany?) (yes that too) what do you think?


5. beijos beijos beijos to you all for your love, thoughts, comments, notes, and all the rest you've sent to me. it means oh so so much. what would i do without you? truly?

today was blessed.

my fever has relatively abated and so i went to work and saw my girls. huzzah!

i must say that my perceptions of the girls and this environment they live in have changed so much in the last weeks. i remember when i first came feeling this anger that why did these girls have to suddenly take on all this hardship of being a 17 year old mom? what about the boys/men? where were they?

but now, having spoken more to these new mothers, having met more ex-lua nova residents, i am renewed again in understanding what a powerful force of good and change motherhood can be. these formerly direction-less girls now have a real purpose in their lives, and they are actively changing their habits and priorities to live for their children. granted some girls can't handle it and leave or run away, and most are still very much in the early stages of this process, but the majority of the girls who come to lua nova do stay and do fight through it all and come out a truly changed person. they fight through it in their tough, abrasive manner, but what other manner would you adopt after living such a life?

i finished translating lua nova's website in my sick-out days. not all of it has been uploaded yet, so i'm going to post one of the testimonials from one of the lua nova residents i had translated here instead. once the rest of them are up you really must read them all - they are true stories of victory and the power of love and motherhood (when it is nurtured, upheld, praised, and cultivated, that is):

"I arrived at Lua Nova less than a year ago, before that having lived through many things in Sao Paulo, the majority of them sad. I have three more children who are not with me, but in short I am here with my son Marcos who is 1 year old. My goal now is to regain the lost time with my other children, and Lua Nova is supporting me in this effort. Before I lived on the street, used and trafficked drugs, and because of this lost my children, my dignity, and my citizenship. With Marcos I have had the opportunity to feel for the first time like a complete mother, whereas before I didn't make space for motherhood - other things were given priority. Lua Nova has shown me that today I can be a mother, I have the capacity to change - before I didn't believe that, I didn't have any hope that I could start again. But here I am with my son at my side, and I am happy. I work at the Arts Workshop and I really like the other girls and learning new skills. Today I want to do things very differently, and Lua Nova is supporting me in doing that."

i know the girl who wrote this and can say that she is a wonderful mother for marcos. so loving and attentive. it's incredible, no? what an amazing transformative power motherhood can be if it is properly valued! it's all such a gorgeous message, and i know i can learn a great deal from this organization that creates such stories. even with all the disorganized frustration. :)

beijos,
joojie.


p.s. i also found a frozen yogurt shop in sorocaba today. a.ma.zing. that also contributed to this being an overall much better day than those that came before :)

disappointed [a la kevin kline] [that's for you, ali]

it's only natural to get frustrated when our expectations of ourselves, our work, all of it, are simply not met, yes?

oh it happens so consistently for me here in dear ole' brasil.

i've had the flu since monday night. as in legit, 103 degree fever flu. i had planned various activities to do for the girls at lua nova today and tomorrow, but instead i am in bed.* i admit that i can only feel guilt.

i know i know it's sickness and i need to let my body heal, but it seems to just come at a time when everything is culminating into a general feeling of disappointment in myself and how much i've fallen short since coming here. i feel so much time has been wasted in absurd pedantic matters, my physical/intellectual/spiritual limitations have all been laid bare, and while i remind myself that i'm getting into a new routine, new country, new language, new job and things take time, i can't help but feel i've done so very little in comparison to what i could have done.**

and so rather than brooding even more, here's rumi, via thelma, to save the day... perhaps it will help someone else out there too:

why lay yourself on the torturer's rack of the past and future?
the mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities will find no rest.
be kind to yourself, dear--

*in the meantime, whilst horizontal, i've been translating lua nova's brand new website (yay!) into english. do check it out if you speak portuguese, and the english version will be here soon... depending on how long my flu lasts :)

**really, i'm very sincerely not fishing here. just stating how i feel - we all get this way at times, no?

to england, where my heart lies...

i dare you to find a more sublime saturday morning than

thunderstorms

bed + blanket

tea

and howards end.



ah! plus can't wait for conference later :) huzzah for weekends!

beijos.