some explainin' to do.

so sorry that i did not realize a large number of friends and loved ones did not know i was planning on picking up and trucking off to berlin in 2010! i got many messages of confusion in response to my last post. ah, i felt like a horrible friend. but because the details and logistics of the whole thing have been somewhat a work in progress since november, i've only been steadily and hesitantly telling people... however. i suppose now is the best time to take the "official" (as official as blogs get) route of explaining:

you see, unicef is great. new york is [ ]... how can i even write how overwhelming and exciting i find new york?

but toni is greater, and missing him and having skype be our main mode of contact will simply no longer do for either of us. it's stressful and depressing above all else. so. it's nearing the end of 2009, and i realize the end of my current unicef contract is imminent... quite suddenly i made the decision to relocate to germany at my contract's expiration in april 2010 - move to germany so i can be near toni and actually have a proper relationship. i.e. one where you actually see each other not via webcam. i'll be there from april until december, when toni's own work contract is up... hopefully, that is, depending on if berlin's "alien's authority" - hehe - cooperates with my residency request. (which i have high hopes they will)

no no i don't speak german. nope i don't have a job there, and to be honest don't have the highest hopes for attaining one - a fulltime one at least. but. i have other things to be done and to do, and i have lived like an ascetic hermit for the last 7 months to save every penny - so i am confident i will live just fine. :)

i could have stayed in new york with a new contract at unicef for another 2 years, but it was so clear to me that i simply could not. sure berlin is a sacrifice of sorts, but look at how much more i sacrifice in staying here. it's a no-brainer to me! i simply couldn't stay in new york any longer - the mental energy and frustration of long-distance love is just not worth it anymore.

so much has gone into all of this, and many people have expressed concern to me. but really. do not think i have not thought of every difficulty and complication already. of course there are still real moments of fear and oh my goodness i don't speak german panics. but what else could i do? it'll all be a veritable adventure a la gertrude stein :)

i will be back in the US for a visit at the end of the summer to say hello to the new babies in our extended brood - huzzah for that! it's not as if i've signed myself away to an abyss :) above anything i'm simply so happy and excited for the chance to have a normal life with toni, where we're on the same time zone and can eat dinner together. ice cream too. now that most of ya'all have met him, it's not too hard to imagine, is it? :)

and so there you have a synopsis of the whole lovely story. but i have to add a quick note on more important matters - haiti is weighing me down with its tragedy (which btw explains the muted town of this post)... nearly everyone at unicef knows someone who is missing in the rubble, and any news coming out is chaotic and hearsay at best. such a tragedy that will be felt for decades to come, and which needs prayers and help from us all. it's awful to feel so inept, isn't it? anyone else struggling with that right now?

anyway. much love to everyone - hug the people you love who are right next to you :)

here's to a glorious 2010 in berlin!

<3,

jooj.

for any of you doubters out there...

...why yes toni and i are super sporty.

huzzah for a Christmas break of joy and family and love. and huzzah for 2010, eh? i'm certain it's going to be a wonderful year. new babies! a move to berlin! oh so much love to be had :)

Merry Christmas to all!

my roommates and i watched "the nativity story" tonight. remember that hollywood movie that came out a few years ago?

oh it was so so beautiful! why had no one recommended it before? my whole apartment agreed that it should be instituted as a Christmas tradition to watch. it emphasized so perfectly the absolute humility of Christ's birth and beginning. it shows herod with all his anxiety over this great king who is prophesied to overthrow him, crucifying grown men and political dissenters - but who would have thought that the Lord of all would arrive as a humble baby, born in a stable, worshiped by shepherds?

Christ's ministry was meek and lowly, and full of love above all else. such a subtle power and force - and yet He truly is the King of Kings, our Eternal Saviour. how miraculous?

the subtlety of it all is what makes it at once so wondrous and at the same so easily passed over... there are these huge forces at work that we are so blind to - that we hardly detect. i remember seeing elder maxwell speak in a ward in salt lake just before he died - it was Christmastime, and he spoke of the miraculous feat of having a new star arrive at the night of Christ's birth - the ages of astronomic forces that must all align towards this one end. and who but the three wisemen were even aware of such movements? how blind are we to all these grand, yet subtle events at play?

it's just as it says in one of my favorite passages of scripture - which happens to be in the film! - 1 Kings 19:11-12...

"and behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind the earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice."

or as henry james put it "why is there pain? it's not the deepest thing." why no, it may be the most obvious - but how subtly powerful are all the principles Christ proponed in his life and ministry: love, mercy, forgiveness, patience and charity. i hope i won't be so blind to such things - so distracted by other more glaring, but much less important, factors of life. Christ lives and His Atonement is real. hurrah for Christmas and a whole season to just remember Him and love one another a bit more.

*annunciation painting by fra angelico from san marco. i need to go back to florence just to see those frescoes again. mmm...

wisdom of edith and ali.

the last days of the last weeks have been inordinately sluggish and hard, with of course delicate moments of joy sprinkled in. as edith wharton says on the last page of her autobiography (which i just finished yesterday on the A train)... "though the years are sad, the days have a way of being jubilant."

and just now i was hit with a whole WAVE of jubilation, on the receipt of an email from dearest friend ali, who informed me that she has an interview for grad school at yale (!!!) at the end of january, and finally - after more than a year - we can see each other again.

i immediately gchatted her and we shared our excitement. when after a glorious exchange i heartily declared "oh, life is so good!" ali wisely responded...

ali: look at that
toni
maggie
mel
britt
famdam
and ali
not half bad
me: not halfbad indeed

and there you have it - the list of everyone i will once again share company with before the end of january. despite the acute difficulty of the last month (heck, the last 3 months more like - ever since coming back from berlin life has been a bit off...), i have a whole lot of goodness coming to me in a very very short time. ali summed it up perfectly. i think i need to write this list down and keep it tucked in my non-existent-pockets-since-i-always-wear-dresses, just to be pulled out at opportune moments and remember all that is good in life.

i have really wonderful friends. and a really really wonderful family. and on top of all that, a really wonderful german. even if they are all mostly abstract and digital these days, they're still there. and we still love each other. and i'll get to see ALL OF THEM soon. oh joy! :)

by the way.. i do not want to disservice the absolute joy that is found in friendly/familial visits to new york. the last 3 months would have been a whole heckuva lot bleaker had not mom, dad, leslie, stephanie, natalie, xarissa, and now my friend anne (all the way from norway!) not graced the manhattan pavement and kept me company. so thank you to you all for your renewing visits. they are wondrous for the soul.

i love taking pictures of museum galleries and all their goings-on

so at the met yesterday...

the entry hall as train station.


this man contemplating rembrandt contemplating aristotle contemplating a bust of homer.


the scholar's garden in the asian wing. with the omnipresent museum gaurd looking on.


faithful museum companion xarissa in the company of buddhas.

and please tell me that these little 2,000 year old "rustic dancers" from china do not just make your day.

at ghai's*

when i was in niger, i made a little playlist on my ipod to listen to while falling asleep: to calm my mind from the day's thoughts, to distract myself from the excruciating heat, and drown out the constant noise outside the window...

ever since, it's been my go-to playlist when i need calm. i use it on planes to put me to sleep, and today i came home from work, closed my curtains, crawled under my poofy duvet, and put it on. unsurprisingly, the noises outside my window here in new york are comparable in the strangeness and volume of those in niamey, and after a loooong succession of restless, sleepless nights i was in desperate need of stillness :) truth be told i'm the worst napper ever, even when exhausted, but just lying down for an hour in the dark is heavenly. (does that sound weird? but is anyone else the same? c'mon. i'm sure there are others...)

anyway. this series of songs acts almost like a pavlovian mechanism to me now - i'm listening to it as i type, waiting for dear friend xarissa to arrive from DC for a weekend in the city. they're so significant to me at this point, i thought i'd share the line-up:

1. journey to the line + light from the soundtrack to the thin red line, by hans zimmer
at exactly 3:37 into "light" i always, ALWAYS reach a type of transcendence. no joke. it's that beautiful. plus it corresponds to the most poignant scene in an already uber-poignant film. oh it's so good.... it's like everything just winds down, falls away as the chords descend...

2. flight over africa from the soundtrack to out of africa, by john barry
again, at 2:42 = pure catharsis. plus... oh bob.

3. the rest is the ( ) album by sigur ros, in order from untitled 1 down to untitled 8
nothing is more calming.

so, if you need some peaceful quiet facilitated (ironically enough) through music, voila my recommendations :)

also happy friday and impending weekend - oh i'm more thrilled than i can say it's finally here - aren't you?

*ghai is the LOVELY beyond lovely woman who shared her home with me in niger. the sentimental value and layers of nostalgia and meaning in this order of songs is of course the best thing about the playlist. sigh... it will be so wonderful to be in africa again - whenever that may be - ideally soon... :)

only only only in new york

the night began like this:

mom and dad came by my office at the end of the workday, we set off to sneak into the VIP section of the lighting of the tree on rockefeller center. the crowds were big, the rain was starting, it was still 2 1/2 hours until the lights on the tree were actually switched on, and we decided (wisely) that it wasn't worth it.

so on we went up 5th ave to see the Christmas-decorated windows at bergdorf's. alice in wonderland theme, and amazing. amazing.

BUT THEN.

we turn the corner of bergdorf's, i see the quaint and lovely little paris theatre outside the plaza with a swarm of people around it with its very own quaint little red carpet. it's a movie premiere, for the lovely bones. the lovely bones, i mentally note, is directed by peter jackson, as in the brilliant new zealander who directed lord of the rings. anyone who knew me 6 years ago knows that i was dressed as rosie the hobbit for the midnight showing of the two towers.

i LOVE lord of the rings, and LOVE peter jackson for making them.

and i LOVE the fact that out of sheer new york coincidence, this happened tonight:









me, getting an autograph from none other than the masterful director himself! !!! !!! !!!






















don't you think he kinda looks like ringo? and the autograph is addressed to my dear best friend from high school, karla, who was dressed as fellow hobbit merry that night years ago.... she will die!!!

isn't new york amazing?!! ? !?!!! what's elvish for yes yes yes??

ranting lessons learned.

do you know about this blog?

toni pointed it out to me last week (with this satirical piece - hehe amazing), and i'm now glued to it. i've been a big easterly fan for awhile, and this blog is a perfect addendum to his books.

it's also helpful to read, counteracting so much of the donor-speak i deal with constantly at work. oh heavens this morning i was in the most frustrating of all frustrating meetings with a representative from the european commission. to counter balance the absurdity, i've settled on my lunch break of leftover beef negimaki to read some easterly gems and restore some faith in the greater good.

and this has all got me to thinking. and so i compiled a little list of what i have learned whilst working at the UN:

1. yes, the UN is incredibly bureaucratic and largely ineffective.

2. this is a result of many (NOT ALL) employees - adults mind you - acting like they are still in high school - betraying signs normally attributed only to teenagers, viz. laziness, hyper-ego, distraction, procrastination, dodging responsibility, and feigning intelligence on matters in which they are grossly incompetent.

3. these attributes are not limited to the UN - last night i heard dad ('rents are in town - thus the beef negimaki leftovers for lunch - love you guys!) handling a frustrating slew of emails/calls for work in the business sector where i know he has dealt with the same issues for 30 years.

4. we have also dealt with these issues in the NGO world - care for life in mozambique, and the members of our fam may remember PCRF back in the day. they're also in academia and government (duh).

5. the more time passes, the more i realize that there are many frustrations that you simply have to work around, and many of those frustrations are found in the weakness of individuals. and that those weaknesses are in no way limited to one sector, and that for as many incompetent and lazy people there are out there, there are amazing, hard-working, intelligent, and fantastic people working as well. i've met both types at UNICEF, and working with the latter has helped me from slipping into despairing hysteria.

i know this is all very simple and in no way earth-shattering, but i really do need to be reminded of such things every now and then (especially at work)... maybe you do too? plus i think it's all worth pointing out considering the UN is lambasted constantly for its ineffectiveness.

"darkness, light. strife and love. are they the workings of the same mind? the features of the same face?" and then doesn't that mantra simply sum everything up about life from start to finish? am i right? or rather are william wordsworth/terrence malick right?

methinks oui.

venite adoramus

to get me through the next 13.5 gray office-days until sundance (i.e. maggie, family, mountains that aren't made of concrete, and oh yes, toni), i am listening to pandora, more specifically a Christ Church College choir 'o come, o come emmanuel' station on pandora. not only do peaceful medeival Christmas tunes sung by british boys help me feel how little time is actually left before the holiday and all its splendor, it also reminds me that i once lived here.....

where i listened in person.

which is never a bad thing.

sigh, oxford. sigh.

how many times can i mention valerie hudson on my blog?

but really, not only was she HUGELY influential on me (i would not know of fistula, and thus would not have written the masters thesis i wrote, had it not been for her, among many other things...) - but she's also simply one of the most intelligent people i have ever and will ever know. plus she's infinitely caring and kind and thoughtful to boot.

so - today was utterly dull at work. thus i read and read and read some more.

two things must be shared: foreign policy's first annual list of the top 100 global thinkers. while most of the list is absurd, valerie hudson is listed at number 97! AMAZING! so proud!

so proud not only for mama hudson, but for the cause of women. you must read this too. look at the pictures if you can, but do be aware that they are shockingly hard to view. anyone who says that feminism is no longer relevant, and argues against specific programs which help alleviate the uniquely brutal forms of suffering women of the world face, must gaze at the pakistani women in these photos.

thanks to foreign policy for recognizing that the work and research of a brave and amazing mother of 8 in provo, utah is not on the fringe or of special interest, but is actually some of the most relevant and potentially earth-shattering work of all. i sincerely believe that valerie and the work she inspires do make ripples through the world, and will ultimately lead to more equitable societies where girls and women are no longer treated as worthless objects of exchange and abuse. (even if it may be such a slow slow road to such a world...)

the point is, even though the horrors of this article on pakistani acid attacks are excruciating to view and swallow, at least there is now an ever-growing cohort of people speaking out against it, and dedicating their lives and work and all efforts to helping ensure such gender-based violence does not continue unchecked. and valerie is responsible for so much of that. so thanks, mama hudson :) you're my hero.