the daily life of a dphil, or week 2

i really do spend the majority of my days reading, as any graduate (especially history graduate) student well knows. note this little screen-shot of a bit of my self-imposed reading list i've organized in excel (multiply this by about 5, so far! and it's only week 2!). i say self-imposed because an oxford dphil (phd) has no official teaching involved. i see my supervisor around once or twice a term, but it's all my own direction - you are left to basically figure the research out yourself. and i do know the material and what i need to read (i mean, i should by this point, right?)... but the more you read the more you need to read and so you just keep getting deeper and deeper in a pile of books and libraries.



good thing i do actually love this stuff, right? i mean look at those titles, so interesting, no?

and in other news, toni and i cycled up to blenheim palace last sunday after church. it's only 9 miles and is such a quiet respite from the busy-ness and noise of oxford's streets. it also reminds me so much of being a kid again. all those visits with the fam! it's true england.

toni's in berlin this weekend, and i'm heading to a lieder fest with a friend, some scones and tea with another, sprinkle in some more lectures and conversations and libraries, and then full evensong + formal hall to which i'll be wearing my "scholar's robes" at my college. still. i'd rather have toni home for the weekend :)

beijos, fam!,
jooj.

and in week 1,

lots of wonderful things, like how i got to pretend i was in brazil again yesterday evening (brazilian studies seminar! logico em portugues), saw melancholia and can't get wagner out of my head, delving deeper into history and african maternal health issues and scarily realizing that things colonial officers said in 1920 kenya are the.exact.same.thing. public health people say today, getting more and more acquainted with the lovely oxford ward, starting a brilliant new project for a new fistula organisation, and, AND the fact that toni and i are about 95% sure we'll be spending the first week of november in ethiopia (!!!). as in, 2 1/2 weeks from now. will tell more soon. i love my husband. and the wellcome trust.

and lastly, i'm back to my old self again - long hair was a fun experiment of "i'm too cheap to get a haircut," but it does feel good to be back to the way i looked for the first 24 years of my life. (but should i have gone shorter? i kinda think so. i saw emma watson on the high street yesterday - yup, hermione officially goes to oxford - and DANG was her hair cute!)




and p.s. of course the photo i take is from my computer in the rhodes house library. membs all those similar photos i used to take first go round at oxford? oh the déjà vu...

0 week*

*oxford's terms are numbered weeks, and since it infuses your mind as a student and this becomes your new time-frame-reality, let's adopt it here, k?

i. tonight i had my first formal hall in college where i wore the same vintage dress i wore 10 years ago to my junior year homecoming with josh wilbur. (hehe!) my wardrobe has seriously changed so little since i was 16 it's crazy.

ii. our professors roped toni and i into speaking at the induction of the new MSc African Studies group (since it was our own course back 4 years ago and they wanted former students to reassure new students that it's actually really lovely and you'll have a wonderful year - which is 100% true). we also proved to them that the course is not only academically but also personally rewarding... wink wink :)

iii. but this week is really the first semi-official term week at oxford, and the events keep flowing, as do the insanely interesting conversations that i loved so much my first go round here. i talked a great deal about something that toni and i are both very conscious of, this fear of getting so removed in research and in oxford and in the luxuries of living a "first world" life that you forget you are writing about real people in real situations - actual lived experiences, often very very challenging ones for that matter. we talked with marco, an anthropology student who came back to oxford after 18 months field work in addis ababa's slums and had complete culture shock: how do you write about these subjects in a place as blissfully unaware of anything beyond cozy tea-time as oxford? literally. it's the coziest place on the planet. so where do these tough subjects come in, and how strange to write about them in such an environment? or i talked with isabella, a south african student concerned about the ethical dilemma of interviews - of taking these life stories from people only to pump yourself up and get a fancy degree. just this constant awareness that these are not abstractions, but practical day-to-day issues we are talking about, and to always remember to make the work relevant. i thought about that constantly before - say i gave my masters thesis to the women at the hospital in niger to read. what would they possibly say about it? would they think of it as entirely alien (probably), despite supposedly being a piece of "thorough" research into their very lives and surroundings?

anyway. i think about the women i've met and worked with for the last years - seidé and halimé in flatbush, brooklyn... ana paula in beira, mozambique... dear suellen in sorocaba. (sigh). how does any of this trail back to them and their realities.... the thing is, these women's lives - as powerful and complex and dynamic as they are, are simply not considered the apparent "norm." they are so far from the euro-american middle class lifestyle that is drummed again and again on blogs and media and our general consciousness. but that is not the norm! that is only one (seriously small) subset of the world, despite being the one always talked about and represented and re-represented. but there is so much more - so many more lives that are just as valid, just as rich in their depth and purpose.

so there you have it. lots and lots, wish i could share it all (but then again nothing is ever as interesting retold, no? ha. will spare you then. :) till next week!

the week before 0 week

1. work work reading reading cycling cycling trying-to-get-a-hold-of-ethiopian-nuns-ing library-ing library-ing.



2. toni and i cycled 2 miles out of oxford to the proper countryside for an evening walk and picnic. it was miraculous and heartbreakingly beautiful because it's england. (see photo, left) sigh.



3. please gaze upon the beauty that is this pumpernickel loaf i took out of the oven this evening. (see bottom photo, left) why yes this HAS revolutionized my home-baking! highly highly recommend.

dear leslie and stephanie,

i realize that the only way you'll have any idea what i'm doing these days is if i blog, sad as that statement may be. ya'all left here 3 weeks ago but it feels like 3 years already. how can i wait until next summer? sigh.

in the meantime, what have toni and i been doing?

1. being happier than ever. no joke - no words. full stop.
2. growing a nice herb garden on our kitchen windowsill - even with the grayness of oxford!
3. i stare at kenyan government files with big SECRET stamps on them all day long. even if they're 60 years old, i still feel quite spy-ish. it's for work for an old professor ours, and it is fascinating and thrilling and i'm stoked i'm getting paid to do it.
4. toni tries to make sense of some other work our professor has tasked him on, that i'm not going to talk about more - you can ask me later. the point is that...
5. ....we work across from each other in our professor's office, and it is absolutely ideal. our prof goes on and on with advice on writing up our phds, publishing, finding jobs, getting into academia, all that good stuff. he's the most well-connected man in the universe, utterly brilliant, and an absolute God-send to us both as we scope out our (exciting!) futures (ah!).
6. we take lovely lunch breaks at our favorite old spots - the woodstock road deli lentils live on!
7. we're starting to feel utterly british, having watched a great deal of "jeeves and wooster," and me discovering persephone press, an amazing little british publishing company that reintroduces forgotten and lesser known authors, mostly women, and mostly from the early 20th century. i've already breezed through a couple novels and am itching for more.
8. we also drink lots of tea and eat digestive biscuits. thus the britishness descends.
9. generally we're just revisiting old colleges, old streets, old libraries (got our "bod cards"/university ID cards this week!!!), old gardens, old everything from four years ago and feeling perfectly content and happy to be nestling into old oxford again for a good long stint. after all the moving about continents the last years, aaaaah how relieving it is i could not say....

and

10. i love this photo - look how happy we all were there on dear broad street! yay! thanks elliott for taking it.

miss everyone tons. still can't get over that you were all HERE! it feels like a dream.

love,
jooj.


p.s. toni shaved his beard today and he looks like he's 18! hehehe he also kind of has a superman chin :)

e nós também...

i actually wept when i looked into the eyes of the girls tonight when i said my last goodbyes. i cried because in my head i just kept thinking YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU ARE BEING GIVEN.

i think mom knows what i mean, as she came and visited the girls twice. they are just so dang rad, and have so much going for them, and yet have been so utterly smashed by their families and communities and even at times lua nova itself. my esteem for these moms has just skyrocketed since september, and i feel like any and all respect for lua nova as a functioning organization has just plummeted. and for this i weep for the girls, because again, they deserve so much more than the halted, disorganized and scattered care lua nova provides for them. if any of them manage to overcome their addictions and turn their lives around, credit must be placed squarely on their own shoulders - lua nova provides shelter and employment for them in the process (which of course is no.small.thing.at.all), but so little else. so little therapeutic care or direction or just plain ol' love and respect.

and so i weep thinking of what will become of the girls here now, just as i think daily of dear suellen who ran away, of larissa and alessandra and vanessinha... oh! neal maxwell once said... 'compassion is important, but it can readily degenerate into the kind of pity which immobilizes us in terms of our ability to really help one another'... i remember reading this shortly before i went to mozambique back in 2004 (!). oh how he hit the nail SO SQUARELY on the head it's not even funny. if there were any sentence to sum up my time in brazil it may just be that. i love these girls so dearly, but would so often be utterly immobilized in the extent of my frustration on how to effectively act on that love. (don't we all feel this way at times?)

i would be frustrated not only by lua nova's incompetencies, but mostly my own. the best days were simply those when i could trudge through the hour bus commute with these totally pointless doubts and negative thoughts swirling in my head and just arrive at aracoiaba and be with the girls. work through my paralyzed mind. realize and accept the fact that yes, there are 10,001 negative influences and people in these girls lives that i cannot control, but i can control this time i spend with them. i can own that time, and simply pray that it in some way rubs off into the other 95% of their lives.

'to look life in the face. always, to look life in the face and know it for what it is. at last, to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away.'*

so i am putting away brazil as i fly off tomorrow, and it tore my heart tonight to realize that in putting it away i no longer can have these beloved conversations with this beloved group of moms here in this corner of sao paulo state....

...ai ai... fiquem com Deus, meninas!

beijos,

ju.

*from the hours.

beginning of the leaving scenes

toni and i are truly quite torn to leave our very first little home as husband and wife, even if it is a shack with semi-functioning plumbing and multiple cracks large enough to see outside through... but it's our first home! we have been so utterly happy here....

dinner set for two in nossa cozinha da casinha.

we will also be really sad to say goodbye to dear friends we've had here. today our semi-adoptive brazilian family took us out to the country outside sorocaba to see some RAD 200+ year old buildings in this gorgeous park-cum-lake. it was absolutely fabbbbulous. history! beauty! hilarious company!


aaah.... this picture is such a perfect expression of the matriarch of this dear family. they have all been so kind to us, doing absolutely everything they could to make sure we had a home and furniture and love. with the occasional pastel or pao doce thrown in. what would we have done without them all, truly?

madness to think of it all ending so soon - so soon!!!

leaving again

i kinda feel like the last 4 years of my life have been a series of leavings...

i left oxford (oh sniff)
then i left DC (i'm kind of ok with that one)
i left new york (sniff sniff)
i left berlin (sniff!)
i left brazil (visas!)
and now i'm leaving brazil AGAIN. (BLERG VISAS)

toni and i, especially now that we're hitched, are sort of keen on just arriving and BEING for a little while. you know? to have a kitchen where we can buy pots and pans. and have shelves to put books on. and not always be wondering if we'll fit under luggage weight restrictions. all this luggage schlepping is why i have not bought new clothes since before oxford (i do not kid).

BUT the good news is that all worked out beautifully: toni got his exams changed, we're almost completely done in the (semi-)refunding-previous-flights-purchasing-new-ones department, and i'm off to araçoiaba today for some good time with the girls. i just can't believe i have so little time left here with them. all those feelings of guilt on not having done enough just skyrocketed like crazy.

sigh.

BUT for your information: toni will be stateside on april 28th, i'll join him there may 15th (have i mentioned i'm going to ghana and then canada to present at back to back conferences? um, amazing. i'm beyond lucky and ashoka is beyond generous).

see you all SO SO SHORTLY OH MY GOODNESS,
joojie.

oh blerg

looks like my brazilian visa didn't get it's second extension (super surprised, but then again since this is brazil! no, not at all surprised), so looks like all my and toni's plans are UPENDED and we are leaving brazil in 2.5 weeks. tons of mixed emotions! the girls! the end of sorocaba! reuniting with family! the girls! omg all the changed flights and various fees and what-nots! (sic?)

2.5 weeks!

well, i am out of here for sure. or else i will have to sell my soul to the brazilian police. toni my beloved husband of just 2 weeks (today! our 2 week anniversary!) is still up in the air and PLEASE EVERYONE PRAY that the london school of economics lets him take a round of tests in the US rather than sao paulo as he originally said, or else he will be here for ONE FULL MONTH ALONE.

noooooooooooooo! no! no!

but here's hoping!

gaaah!

you think you know happiness...

...and then you run off to new york city and get married to your dear german at city hall and then spend a week frolicking through the city and truly! how the level of bliss has just grown and grown!

toni and i are married! we are married! married! mar.ried.! ! !


we realize it came as somewhat of a shock to 98% of our general acquaintance, but this was to be expected as we had told only our families and a (literal) handful of friends of our plans. it made that tuesday at city hall feel so intimate and wonderful, and then we were so so excited to burst with the news afterwards to the world. (and boy did the world respond in kind - heavens how wonderfully kind people have been to us!)



are there words to contain all the feeling? heavens no. deliriously happy/bursting at the seams/absolutely ecstatic doesn't come close.

love!!!,
toni&julianne
:)