huzzah!

this particular huzzah is for thanksgiving of course :) today i'm celebrating with leslie (HUGE huzzah for that) and lots of the horn clan. it's really nice to be back in the US for thanksgiving this year - i have spent many of them abroad as of late, and though the one year in paris was particularly wonderful, i admit there is nothing like being on american soil for such a day. it's an incredible feeling: you know everyone in the country is celebrating today, everyone will be gathering to eat together in some fashion. i love the care and concern everyone shows in demanding if you have a place to go for thanksgiving, and opening up their homes to anyone who doesn't. how often does that happen? i think this holiday is the best thing about the ole' US of A, and something i sincerely miss when away.

plus thanksgiving is a wonderful excuse to be calm and positive :) i'm afraid i've exuded too much negativity in my blog lately, or in my life in general - certain friends have had to deal with it much more than they should, and in the spirit of thanksgiving, i am eternally, eternally grateful for the patience of such friends. yes things have been rough-going since moving back to the US, but of course it has not been all bad. there are numerous reasons for me to be grateful for my move to DC. i listed quite a lot of them a few blogposts back, and i still hold to that list. it's just that there are real moments when it is admittedly hard to remember such things... but once again, that's the beauty of this holiday which is dedicated solely to that purpose, to remembering beautiful things in our lives and actually feeling gratitude.

lincoln was inspired when he instituted thanksgiving. perhaps i should go back to his memorial next week and thank him in person... it still is quite possibly the most beautiful spot in DC. truly. plus it reminds me of mom :)

je me sens [un peu] déprimée

and despite all efforts, i can't hide it from my blog. you see, a wonderful position i was supposed to interview for at the gates foundation today had been cut from their budget last week - but they decided not to tell me, but keep going through with the interview (now an "informal introduction") and put me through a horrid emotional roller-coaster... as if i have not had enough in the last months.

this position i work at currently at johns hopkins is fine and good - but it isn't "technically" full-time (even though i seem to work 40+ hours/week for them) and the funding is in such a tenuous place that i have absolutely no future security with it. i still need a real job.

and after so much work, i've fallen up short. still. i still feel in limbo, and am confused on where to go from here aside from starting all over again at the same place i was half a year ago. at the moment i have zero strength to go through it all once more, and feel like a mountain retreat into sundance is all i'm good for right now. it's very difficult to keep faith at the moment, though i feel i have been sincerely trying. am i simply not trying hard enough? it makes me question what exactly i am doing wrong...

oh, sad face. i reeeeally need to hug stella or sadie right about now :) so happy for thanksgiving next week so i can see moo, parkie and audish.

p.s. i do still find DC beautiful and do think living here is wondrous: i just wish i actually felt i 'lived' here...

p.p.s. there is a shred of hope that a job in new york may work out, so yes there is that. insha'Allah insha'Allah.

with a clenched soul

there are so many people i miss (even though i'm technically "closer" to home back in the US.) (although of course there are many people still across the pond whom i miss dearly.)

but i especially. really. really. miss the kids sometimes. sad face.

post-election aftermath

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

thoughtfulness

i am so struck at how thoughtful people can be. yesterday was my birthday, and i was so touched by all of the well-wishes and kind gestures extended! i heard from friends i haven't spoken to in years, and i love to see how people can reach out to each other, even in the smallest way.


such dialog between individuals is just as beautiful as the fall colors around my house right now. i took these pictures yesterday, and honestly - gorgeous, no?

some patriotism for election day

or if you're feeling patriotically german....

new blog!

huzzah! the project i used to work for at BYU, the WomanStats Database, with the ever-incredible dr. valerie hudson, has started a blog!

check in for incredible information about the way women are treated around the world. some of it will truly astound you, in both good and bad ways.

from "waking life"

"there are two kinds of sufferers in the world: those who suffer from a lack of life, and those who suffer from an overabundance of life. i've always found myself in the second category."

or to complicate it further, perhaps i'd consider myself as one who fears the former, and doesn't entirely understand what to do when confronted with the latter.

also

"the trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. because, if you can do that, you can do anything."

yes. exactly.

exhibitionism

isn't it incredible how many people in the last months have started blogs? they are such a bizarre form of communication, or self-expression.... i fear sometimes that in constantly turning around and re-telling our lives, we lose some of the power of lived moments for what they are. it's like mom always used to say "don't be a slave to your camera" - not living the moment through your eyes but trying to just capture it in an artificial form... how often are we slaves of the idea of possible future story-telling? i don't think that all blogs are simply about exhibitionist self-absorption, but the boundaries between private and public have never been so blurred... i am still so surprised when people say "oh yes, i saw that on your blog" - but then again, why write a blogpost if you have no intention of anyone seeing it?

at the met this week there was an exhibit of the work of giorgio morandi, a reclusive italian modernist painter whose work i greatly admire. at one point he said:

"[compared to other italian artists of my generation], i was still left in peace, perhaps because i demanded so little recognition. my privacy was thus my protection, and in the eyes of the grand inquisitors of italian art, i remained, but a provincial professor of etching at the fine arts academy of bologna."

do blogs immediately make us all great demanders of recognition? and sometimes i wonder if i'd prefer to be more protected in my privacy.

oh well :) ultimately i'm happy that because of blogs, i can see this. and this. :)

il y a un an

i've been thinking of year-marks, where i was a year ago, 5 years ago etc etc.... it seems fall is always when major things happen for me in my life - ali says it's because it's when the school year starts. probably true :)

but i go to new york tomorrow (!!!). it was a little over a year ago that i was there last - august 2007 with dear sara, now on her mission in texas. i love this picture of us with ali outside the Met. such beautiful memories!

see you all in a week.