sehnsucht.

i must say that in these last weeks i've had my first ever twinges of homesickness. and when i say homesickness, i mean a longing for previous and even potential locations i have/may live/d in... i drift back and remember that once i called damascus home. and paris. rolling green hills in england... berlin naturally, and then the one which triumphs over them all: new york! oh new york.... i feel our time was cut so short, and i think of the place everyday. wonderful new york times photo retrospectives don't help either.

then i jump into kayak.com and search for potential itineraries and plans for next summer: working at the edna adan maternity hospital is my current ideal. i even inquired east african safari air safari express (yes that's the name of the airline - hehe!) about the costs of flights to hargeisa. working simultaneously here on a variety of future ethiopian projects (phd + potential fistula organization... ee! exciting!) is again, not helping.

don't get me wrong, i am happy to be here in brazil: the work is getting better, i am learning loads - about innovative ways of treatment and public health, new perspectives on maternal health and maternity. of development and poverty cycles. of the reality of behaviour change, education formation and therapy. a full language even!

it's just that outside of that, there is admittedly so so little. as i explained to dear ali* this week, sorocaba could be most closely compared to rancho cucumunga, if any of you remember that blip of a place on the side of the 15 on the drive to utah. the greatest activity here is to go to the mall. which guess what i totes did on friday night. i went to the movies, and it was actually splendid.

but the point is that the work is not nearly enough to fill the hours that go by: the girls need to be on their own, make decisions and craft their lives on their own. and so the outside hours, which are occasionally filled with truly lovely lunches and conversations with my handful of friends here, are spent burying into the entire collected short stories of henry james (5 volumes at 1000 pages each), an anthology of american women's writing, and novelised versions of ethiopian medical history.

while i can by no means complain about all the reading (love.it.), in those down hours my mind keeps drifting to hopping the 1 train to film forum. to balcony dinners with toni on skalitzer straße. and then goes forward to returning to africa, where i am 100% more in my comfort zone than here in this brazilian version of inland california.

i promise this is not a complaint, and i wouldn't want to be anywhere but where i am right now. i just feel i am allowed feelings of homesickness now, at age 25, right? considering i never had them before?

and does anyone else have those restless longings for other places you've lived? places with whom your relationship was prematurely ended?

i can only dig into the here and now, and have confidence that future versions of myself will once again reinhabit manhattan. kreuzberg. maybe even paris. africa for sure. and for the moment i do have brazil before me: sorocaba may be boring**, but i can fly to rio for less than $100 roundtrip.***

and now let me go tuck in with mr. james for the rest of the evening,
here's to you all in your lugares diversos :)

beijinhos,
julianne.


*as you can see ali is also feeling homesick for places that aren't technically her "home." i feel better already.
**sorry sorocaba, i don't mean to be mean.
***yes that may happen in two weeks. aaaah sera muito legal!! will keep you posted.

disclaimer: my blogposts have turned into novels here in brazil. (or were they always?) (again, blame the fact that i moved alone to rancho cucumunga. :) to all of you who make it to the ends of my tirades, you deserve a fresh pair of havaianas and dolce de leite. i will try to accommodate pronto.

better late than never, no?

when i arrived in brazil 6 weeks ago (heavens! can you believe it's been 6 weeks?!), lua nova was in the midst of an administrative and staff overhaul. coordinators who had been here for 8 or 10 years were leaving and being replaced. replacements would then drop out and new ones would come. promises were made and then forgotten.

in other words, the last 6 weeks have been no short of organizational chaos... as i know i have many a time mentioned. but i tell you i have even held back [if you can believe it] from the extent of my frustration.

BUT. THE CLOUDS HAVE PARTED.

new dawn is coming to this new moon! enter regis, a 20-something local sorocabano who is WONDERFUL. having grown up in a favela himself, he is taking over as new project coordinator and is shaping things up. he and i have been talking the last days and we have a new game plan for my project, a game plan that actively addresses all the massive issues that have prevented my project from really lifting off... namely...

lack of transport.
apathy on the part of girls. on the part of other educators.
miscommunication.
lack of capacity to work with all the girls.
idleness.

i tell you that things are a-changin' here at ole' lua nova, and i couldn't be happier about it. the last weeks have been filled with many, so maaannny disappointments, and no doubt there will be more, but i'm telling you, i'm incredibly optimistic at this moment. if for nothing else i can now actually kind of speak portuguese, so that makes everything better. i am still awful at it and avoid the subjunctive altogether, but people understand me now, and i can say basically anything i want so long as it has no emotional nuance. who needs gray areas, anyway?! viva o preto e branco!!! :)

beijos to you all,
joojie.

the last days were spent in sao paulo city with mom and dad. i.e., it was glorious

sao paulo goes onnnn and onnn and ooooon!!! insane.




mom in gorgeous, goooooorgeous ibirapuera park in the center of sao paulo. reminded me of central park and i got homesick. oh, love!




view from our hotel room. incredible!

i miss them so much already. they really are the best parents in the world! not many people would go through all they did to come down here... so now the question is who else wants to come down ole' south american way? :)

bringing the new york hipster to brasil/SO HAPPY

1. it's friday!


2. spent the day with the girls + meeting with a new coordinator at lua nova who is serious about bringing more order and sense to the place and i'm SO optimistic/relieved for future changes to all these scattered routines! things are truly and rapidly improving on the work front. HU-ZZAH.


3. MOM AND DAD GOT THEIR VISAS! finally finally finally after nearly 4 weeks of wrangling a process that should take only 48 hours, after a letter direct to the brazilian ambassador to the united states himself, mom and dad were granted their tourist vias and will be here sunday. yes they should have arrived this morning, but i'll take what i can get! oh so much love!


4. i came home from lua nova and decided to watch project runway and try to pretend like i still lived in new york city by doing the ever-popular-fall-trend-for-chic-women-heidi-braids. (or maybe i'm just pining for germany?) (yes that too) what do you think?


5. beijos beijos beijos to you all for your love, thoughts, comments, notes, and all the rest you've sent to me. it means oh so so much. what would i do without you? truly?

today was blessed.

my fever has relatively abated and so i went to work and saw my girls. huzzah!

i must say that my perceptions of the girls and this environment they live in have changed so much in the last weeks. i remember when i first came feeling this anger that why did these girls have to suddenly take on all this hardship of being a 17 year old mom? what about the boys/men? where were they?

but now, having spoken more to these new mothers, having met more ex-lua nova residents, i am renewed again in understanding what a powerful force of good and change motherhood can be. these formerly direction-less girls now have a real purpose in their lives, and they are actively changing their habits and priorities to live for their children. granted some girls can't handle it and leave or run away, and most are still very much in the early stages of this process, but the majority of the girls who come to lua nova do stay and do fight through it all and come out a truly changed person. they fight through it in their tough, abrasive manner, but what other manner would you adopt after living such a life?

i finished translating lua nova's website in my sick-out days. not all of it has been uploaded yet, so i'm going to post one of the testimonials from one of the lua nova residents i had translated here instead. once the rest of them are up you really must read them all - they are true stories of victory and the power of love and motherhood (when it is nurtured, upheld, praised, and cultivated, that is):

"I arrived at Lua Nova less than a year ago, before that having lived through many things in Sao Paulo, the majority of them sad. I have three more children who are not with me, but in short I am here with my son Marcos who is 1 year old. My goal now is to regain the lost time with my other children, and Lua Nova is supporting me in this effort. Before I lived on the street, used and trafficked drugs, and because of this lost my children, my dignity, and my citizenship. With Marcos I have had the opportunity to feel for the first time like a complete mother, whereas before I didn't make space for motherhood - other things were given priority. Lua Nova has shown me that today I can be a mother, I have the capacity to change - before I didn't believe that, I didn't have any hope that I could start again. But here I am with my son at my side, and I am happy. I work at the Arts Workshop and I really like the other girls and learning new skills. Today I want to do things very differently, and Lua Nova is supporting me in doing that."

i know the girl who wrote this and can say that she is a wonderful mother for marcos. so loving and attentive. it's incredible, no? what an amazing transformative power motherhood can be if it is properly valued! it's all such a gorgeous message, and i know i can learn a great deal from this organization that creates such stories. even with all the disorganized frustration. :)

beijos,
joojie.


p.s. i also found a frozen yogurt shop in sorocaba today. a.ma.zing. that also contributed to this being an overall much better day than those that came before :)

disappointed [a la kevin kline] [that's for you, ali]

it's only natural to get frustrated when our expectations of ourselves, our work, all of it, are simply not met, yes?

oh it happens so consistently for me here in dear ole' brasil.

i've had the flu since monday night. as in legit, 103 degree fever flu. i had planned various activities to do for the girls at lua nova today and tomorrow, but instead i am in bed.* i admit that i can only feel guilt.

i know i know it's sickness and i need to let my body heal, but it seems to just come at a time when everything is culminating into a general feeling of disappointment in myself and how much i've fallen short since coming here. i feel so much time has been wasted in absurd pedantic matters, my physical/intellectual/spiritual limitations have all been laid bare, and while i remind myself that i'm getting into a new routine, new country, new language, new job and things take time, i can't help but feel i've done so very little in comparison to what i could have done.**

and so rather than brooding even more, here's rumi, via thelma, to save the day... perhaps it will help someone else out there too:

why lay yourself on the torturer's rack of the past and future?
the mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities will find no rest.
be kind to yourself, dear--

*in the meantime, whilst horizontal, i've been translating lua nova's brand new website (yay!) into english. do check it out if you speak portuguese, and the english version will be here soon... depending on how long my flu lasts :)

**really, i'm very sincerely not fishing here. just stating how i feel - we all get this way at times, no?

to england, where my heart lies...

i dare you to find a more sublime saturday morning than

thunderstorms

bed + blanket

tea

and howards end.



ah! plus can't wait for conference later :) huzzah for weekends!

beijos.

i wish everyone had a family like mine.

heavens i have the best family ever, no?

this project idea of stephanie's to have her blog readers make scrapbooks for my girls here is stellar. it literally makes me cry to just feel the support of all ya'all back in the states. and let me tell you, this is something the girls are going to LOVE.

this afternoon i chatted extensively with two of the girls, each showed me old and tattered notebooks and scraps of paper filled with writings and drawings they have treasured in their rooms. but neither of them had pens of their own to continue writing/drawing/creating etc. i had no idea! i gave them each some random pens i had in my bag. it made their week. i mean really?

so yes. these pretty, girly scrapbooks are going to be very beloved. and the fact that ya'all are willing to extend and donate to girls so far away that you don't know at all just means a great deal. really, what can i say?

that goodness counteracts the harshness of the days spent at lua nova. that 14 year old i mentioned in my previous post who just found out she's pregnant? she ran away today. oh heavens, what a tragedy. the point is that some of these girls are not going to stick with this reforming process. because as hard as their previous lives are, to make a full turn around is another challenge that takes them completely out of their comfort zone. behaviour change really is insanely challenging, and nearly every girl is quite miserable throughout the process. so to give them something beautiful and uber positive, just for them - really! it will be wonderful.

oh huzzah for the goodness in the world, and for all your generosity. i really love you all. a whole whole lot.

beijos!
joojie.

p.s. this gorg photo is by renato stockler, a professional photographer that visited lua nova a few months ago. love.

on my average weekday at lua nova

out my door by 6:45am, arrive after a very circuitous route to lua nova by 8am.

kisses and greetings and meetings of any new girls.

at 9am the ambulance has arrived to take one of the new girls to the hospital, currently passed out from detoxing hard after her crack addiction.

i spend most of the morning in conversation with fabiana, who at 29 is the oldest resident at lua nova and is super with it. we discuss the advantages of living here in the country, where sao paulo to her as an ex-crack-addict simply represents drugs. she helps me refine my ideas for upcoming therapy sessions and my ongoing project of writing didactic materials for the girls based on what they actually need. she's wonderful and i give her a big kiss and hug of thanks for her help.

10am and a group of last year nursing students arrive and begin doing medical consultations. i tag along.

by 11am one girl's pregnancy test comes back negative (thank heaven, already with 2 other children), while another comes back positive (heavens, she's only 14 and just last week nearly died from blood loss as she feverishly cut herself to relieve the horrific itching and mania caused by cocaine-detox).

at noon a hip-hop dance class begins for the girls. they are learning a choreographed dance to 'rude boy' by rhianna. oh my goodness i'm so happy none of them understand english and those lyrics.

at 2 we have cake and lively singing to celebrate the birthday of angela, one of the coordinators at lua nova. no one sings happy birthday like brazilians! love.it.

i then proceed to hold a 6-day old baby for the next hour. oh heavens he's so perfect and pure. one of the girls just gave birth to him last week, and is still quite out of it from the pain and shock of the birth. it's her second baby, and she's 16. we chat about her feelings, problems, pains, fears.

i take a break and walk around the countryside of aracoiaba for a bit, reading some henry james along the way. (my ultimate escape.)

come back to help tend to a three-month old baby as her mom takes a break to eat a late lunch. again, talk to her about her feelings, problems, pains, fears. i can't understand her too well because she speaks almost entirely in slang. sigh.

it's almost 5pm and i hitch a ride back to downtown sorocaba. i then board a bus to take me home. at home i eat yummy lentils and drink glorious peach juice with soy.

and there you have it. so happy to be home. but also so happy i can spend the days with the girls. as tough as it is to see all these issues play out in reality, there is nowhere else i'd rather be. truly.

much love love love to you all,
joojie.

kindness saves the day

fyi, first of all: please everyone stop blogging about fall. no honestly, PLEASE. the fact that i'm still in brazilian 'winter' where it's 90 degrees everyday and will only climb steadily to the triple digits for the rest of the time i'm in brazil, aaaaah... the thought that in the north everyone's going to snuggle in crsip cool air and drink apple cider just makes me want to cry. you think someone who lived in southern california the first 18 years of her life would cope better with this. but no, the last 7 years of seasons has ruined me for endless summer of beige sky and relentless heat.

ok, moving on!

i really just wanted to say that kindness really does mean everything. simple kindness is completely, 100% saving me here. this week was awful, truly. i was really ready to throw my hands up in the air completely this morning...

but then!

so many people extended kind words: three separate co-workers at lua nova today asked after me with complete sincerity... "really, how are you handling all the stress and insanity of this organization and the situation of the girls? all the disorganization, unreliability, and constant changes?" and to have someone else admit that this NGO is in fact insanely disorganized and challenging to work for brought such a sense of relief. and that they could see that it might actually be super hard for me to jump into this mad environment was so relieving.

i also received a message from dear wakesho, another 'young champion' from kenya, now working in nigeria, who used to conduct group support sessions for adolescent mothers from the slums of nairobi. hi, so similar to me, right?! as she said, "girl, we're in this together." she acknowledged how crazy tough it is to break through all the types of issues with such girls... and then proceeded to give me fantastic advice, all of which will be implemented immediately.

all of our situations are so unique, right? and doesn't it help immensely when someone who has been in the same situation, who does the same work, just steps in for a second and acknowledges: yes, this is crazy, it's ok to feel like everything is out of control and you feel like you have no idea how to do anything right? someone else to just acknowledge that yes, it's ok to think this is all really hard. have you had similar moments where someone said something that was so spot on about something hard in your life, and it just felt like a cool wave of loveliness?

so yay for kindness. the world has so little empathy or consideration - the environment i work in, the girls, ah! there's so much unkindness. so when small things like this happen, it's like a spot of light in what is otherwise somewhat grim. and this isn't to mention all ya'all far away have done/said to me!

everyone reach out and say something incredibly sincere and empathetic to someone today. this week.
that is all.

beijos and abracos to everyone,
jooj.