disappointed [a la kevin kline] [that's for you, ali]

it's only natural to get frustrated when our expectations of ourselves, our work, all of it, are simply not met, yes?

oh it happens so consistently for me here in dear ole' brasil.

i've had the flu since monday night. as in legit, 103 degree fever flu. i had planned various activities to do for the girls at lua nova today and tomorrow, but instead i am in bed.* i admit that i can only feel guilt.

i know i know it's sickness and i need to let my body heal, but it seems to just come at a time when everything is culminating into a general feeling of disappointment in myself and how much i've fallen short since coming here. i feel so much time has been wasted in absurd pedantic matters, my physical/intellectual/spiritual limitations have all been laid bare, and while i remind myself that i'm getting into a new routine, new country, new language, new job and things take time, i can't help but feel i've done so very little in comparison to what i could have done.**

and so rather than brooding even more, here's rumi, via thelma, to save the day... perhaps it will help someone else out there too:

why lay yourself on the torturer's rack of the past and future?
the mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities will find no rest.
be kind to yourself, dear--

*in the meantime, whilst horizontal, i've been translating lua nova's brand new website (yay!) into english. do check it out if you speak portuguese, and the english version will be here soon... depending on how long my flu lasts :)

**really, i'm very sincerely not fishing here. just stating how i feel - we all get this way at times, no?

to england, where my heart lies...

i dare you to find a more sublime saturday morning than

thunderstorms

bed + blanket

tea

and howards end.



ah! plus can't wait for conference later :) huzzah for weekends!

beijos.

i wish everyone had a family like mine.

heavens i have the best family ever, no?

this project idea of stephanie's to have her blog readers make scrapbooks for my girls here is stellar. it literally makes me cry to just feel the support of all ya'all back in the states. and let me tell you, this is something the girls are going to LOVE.

this afternoon i chatted extensively with two of the girls, each showed me old and tattered notebooks and scraps of paper filled with writings and drawings they have treasured in their rooms. but neither of them had pens of their own to continue writing/drawing/creating etc. i had no idea! i gave them each some random pens i had in my bag. it made their week. i mean really?

so yes. these pretty, girly scrapbooks are going to be very beloved. and the fact that ya'all are willing to extend and donate to girls so far away that you don't know at all just means a great deal. really, what can i say?

that goodness counteracts the harshness of the days spent at lua nova. that 14 year old i mentioned in my previous post who just found out she's pregnant? she ran away today. oh heavens, what a tragedy. the point is that some of these girls are not going to stick with this reforming process. because as hard as their previous lives are, to make a full turn around is another challenge that takes them completely out of their comfort zone. behaviour change really is insanely challenging, and nearly every girl is quite miserable throughout the process. so to give them something beautiful and uber positive, just for them - really! it will be wonderful.

oh huzzah for the goodness in the world, and for all your generosity. i really love you all. a whole whole lot.

beijos!
joojie.

p.s. this gorg photo is by renato stockler, a professional photographer that visited lua nova a few months ago. love.

on my average weekday at lua nova

out my door by 6:45am, arrive after a very circuitous route to lua nova by 8am.

kisses and greetings and meetings of any new girls.

at 9am the ambulance has arrived to take one of the new girls to the hospital, currently passed out from detoxing hard after her crack addiction.

i spend most of the morning in conversation with fabiana, who at 29 is the oldest resident at lua nova and is super with it. we discuss the advantages of living here in the country, where sao paulo to her as an ex-crack-addict simply represents drugs. she helps me refine my ideas for upcoming therapy sessions and my ongoing project of writing didactic materials for the girls based on what they actually need. she's wonderful and i give her a big kiss and hug of thanks for her help.

10am and a group of last year nursing students arrive and begin doing medical consultations. i tag along.

by 11am one girl's pregnancy test comes back negative (thank heaven, already with 2 other children), while another comes back positive (heavens, she's only 14 and just last week nearly died from blood loss as she feverishly cut herself to relieve the horrific itching and mania caused by cocaine-detox).

at noon a hip-hop dance class begins for the girls. they are learning a choreographed dance to 'rude boy' by rhianna. oh my goodness i'm so happy none of them understand english and those lyrics.

at 2 we have cake and lively singing to celebrate the birthday of angela, one of the coordinators at lua nova. no one sings happy birthday like brazilians! love.it.

i then proceed to hold a 6-day old baby for the next hour. oh heavens he's so perfect and pure. one of the girls just gave birth to him last week, and is still quite out of it from the pain and shock of the birth. it's her second baby, and she's 16. we chat about her feelings, problems, pains, fears.

i take a break and walk around the countryside of aracoiaba for a bit, reading some henry james along the way. (my ultimate escape.)

come back to help tend to a three-month old baby as her mom takes a break to eat a late lunch. again, talk to her about her feelings, problems, pains, fears. i can't understand her too well because she speaks almost entirely in slang. sigh.

it's almost 5pm and i hitch a ride back to downtown sorocaba. i then board a bus to take me home. at home i eat yummy lentils and drink glorious peach juice with soy.

and there you have it. so happy to be home. but also so happy i can spend the days with the girls. as tough as it is to see all these issues play out in reality, there is nowhere else i'd rather be. truly.

much love love love to you all,
joojie.

kindness saves the day

fyi, first of all: please everyone stop blogging about fall. no honestly, PLEASE. the fact that i'm still in brazilian 'winter' where it's 90 degrees everyday and will only climb steadily to the triple digits for the rest of the time i'm in brazil, aaaaah... the thought that in the north everyone's going to snuggle in crsip cool air and drink apple cider just makes me want to cry. you think someone who lived in southern california the first 18 years of her life would cope better with this. but no, the last 7 years of seasons has ruined me for endless summer of beige sky and relentless heat.

ok, moving on!

i really just wanted to say that kindness really does mean everything. simple kindness is completely, 100% saving me here. this week was awful, truly. i was really ready to throw my hands up in the air completely this morning...

but then!

so many people extended kind words: three separate co-workers at lua nova today asked after me with complete sincerity... "really, how are you handling all the stress and insanity of this organization and the situation of the girls? all the disorganization, unreliability, and constant changes?" and to have someone else admit that this NGO is in fact insanely disorganized and challenging to work for brought such a sense of relief. and that they could see that it might actually be super hard for me to jump into this mad environment was so relieving.

i also received a message from dear wakesho, another 'young champion' from kenya, now working in nigeria, who used to conduct group support sessions for adolescent mothers from the slums of nairobi. hi, so similar to me, right?! as she said, "girl, we're in this together." she acknowledged how crazy tough it is to break through all the types of issues with such girls... and then proceeded to give me fantastic advice, all of which will be implemented immediately.

all of our situations are so unique, right? and doesn't it help immensely when someone who has been in the same situation, who does the same work, just steps in for a second and acknowledges: yes, this is crazy, it's ok to feel like everything is out of control and you feel like you have no idea how to do anything right? someone else to just acknowledge that yes, it's ok to think this is all really hard. have you had similar moments where someone said something that was so spot on about something hard in your life, and it just felt like a cool wave of loveliness?

so yay for kindness. the world has so little empathy or consideration - the environment i work in, the girls, ah! there's so much unkindness. so when small things like this happen, it's like a spot of light in what is otherwise somewhat grim. and this isn't to mention all ya'all far away have done/said to me!

everyone reach out and say something incredibly sincere and empathetic to someone today. this week.
that is all.

beijos and abracos to everyone,
jooj.

oh heavens you are all so wonderful

ya'all are too much. your comments were so, so fantastic! i'm so happy so many of you took the time to share your thoughts. it helps me a great deal i tell you. and i should mention, that one of the intrinsic parts of the program will be teaching the girls how to make baby-carrying slings - both as an income generating activity for them, but also as a way to reinforce these connections we're trying to form in the therapy sessions. so that's totally up the alley of lots of your comments - huzzah!

and it's so much of what you say: breastfeeding is a miracle worker, and just having the women hold and touch their children is so crucial. the problems emerge with those girls who come to lua nova with kids who are already 2-6 years old... (which most of them do)... forming a connection that late in the child's life is very challenging. when the babies should have been breastfed and held, the girls were in incredibly unideal circumstances - so how do you compensate for that?

there are girls who come to the facility while pregnant, and the difference with them is stunning. one girl, pictured on the left here, came here pregnant, and now breastfeeds her 3 month old exclusively (pictured on the right). she has the same background as the rest, and is only 15, but her connection to the baby is so apparent. she is always holding her, talking to her, smiling with her. it's so nice to see, as so many of the other girls mostly ignore their children altogether... it's not even a negative relationship, it's a completely non-existent one...

heavens! today was very hard. i won't detail the failures etc., only to say that i can't get over how insane it is that for each of these girls, many incredibly challenging things are happening simultaneously: how overwhelming is it to be a mother? and then compound that with abandonment, drug detox, recovery from prostitution and abuse? one of these things is enough for anyone - but can you imagine all at once? and as a teenager? alone?

no wonder working with the girls is so challenging - their very existence is compounded and compressed hardship. and actually working through that feels like you're just beating your head against the wall...

ANYWAY: thank you thank you for your help. i really will use all of it, and please keep it coming if you can. i really am more grateful than i can say. it all moves me a great deal to know the care and love in this world - even through blog comments!

beijos e embracos,
julianne.

quase impossivel

how do you teach attachment? how on earth do you instruct a mother to feel attached in a truly selfless way to her child? particularly when that child was born when the mother was only 14, 15, 16 - was born from prostitution or domestic molestation/abuse? when you have no examples, as the people around you are mostly drug addicted/alcoholic/in prison/absent/abusive and all the rest?*

bah!

before coming to brasil my interest in maternal health was focused in africa, on the tragic stories of obstetric fistula, post-partum hemorrhage, eclampsia, and even more complicated issues like breaking down cultural barriers which bar women from accessing proper healthcare before/during/after childbirth. but here! here the problems are so different... maternity at too young an age, in situations of extreme abuse, violence and dysfunction - it's not the medical ramifications of prolonged labor, instead its the sociological/psychological aftermath of a system of abuse and neglect which leaves girls much too young alone and unprepared suddenly in control of a dear little baby to raise. it's so obvious that maternal health doesn't end with the delivery - it keeps going on and on as that child is inexorably glued to this new mother.

the point of lua nova, the organization i'm now working for, is to empower these new mothers to build sustainable lives for themselves and their children. together with their children.

and the point of me being here is to create + direct a support group with the girls to teach them how, in so few words, to be a mom. from bathing an infant to the platitudes of selflessness and putting your child first above all else.

i'm then going to write up a curriculum and other didactic materials to help lua nova perpetuate the program once i leave next june, so they can facilitate this sort of motherhood-training for all girls who come through the organization's doors.

and so! our group started today... me with my utterly awful portuguese trying to explain to the girls what i want us to do in this program (they totes laugh at my horrid accent - if they can even understand me at all! ai ai ai)... i'm preparing for our next session on thursday, which is meant as a baseline evaluation of the relationship and level of attachment between the mothers and their children. can you imagine? since some of the girls are semi-illiterate, i'm going to direct a more arts based activity where they create a collage on their feelings about being a mother - what it means to them to be a mother. and then we'll go from there... 9 months where i have to have lots and lots and lots of patience in this very difficult process. is it even possible?....

....it's all very banal: nothing glamorous or glorious happens or is happening here - things are slow and even seem regressive at times. but it's having patience in that process** and trying to slowly befriend the girls with my horrific portuguese (most of whom are so so kind and open to me - particularly given what they've been through), and lean on the help of the other workers at lua nova too (claro).

i'll keep ya'all updated on how these things go along. (obvs. it's also nice to debrief a bit on this blog as well - in english nonetheless! :)

in the meantime, please share any advice you may have on how i can even manage such a task... i just think of how absolutely, completely, 100% different the experiences of maternity are for the girls here as compared to mimi and david, or ginger and henry, or steph and elliot... so those of you on the other side, what wisdom can you impart? really, anything is welcome :)

beijos,
julianne.

*the case of nearly every girl here: i read the files and back stories of all the girls at lua nova yesterday, and HEAVENS. i stopped myself from collapsing multiple times from imagining about all they've been through... what it actually means to be 13 and prostituting yourself for crack. i mean truly... what an unjust world.

**thank you dad for repeating that phrase 57,000 times to us as we grew up - it helps me quite a lot here :)

new life beginnings!

sorocaba skyline! woo hoo! (as seen from my neighborhood, just 5km west of downtown up on a hill.)



standing on the balcony of lua nova (the organization i now work for)'s downtown sorocaba office. LOVE the bright blue houses in brasil. LOVE.



me in brasil, just to prove it's all really happening. (i also happen to love this huge mirror in my room, it gives the space a classy touch :)



the corner of my kitchen, where i spend lots of time skyping, as the internet miraculously works 2000% better there than anywhere else in the house. notice honey + mug of rooibos tea brought direct from woolie's in south africa. mmmm....

more soon: i.e. i must bring my camera out to aracoiaba, the lovely village 20km from sorocaba where the majority of lua nova's work is done. i'll be spending most days of the week out there, amidst the green green fields, red dirt roads, and bougainvillea.... wish my work was as picturesque as the setting :)

ate breve!
beijos!

um feriado

today is brazil's independence day, meaning the last two days the whole country has taken a holiday, and i haven't started work yet.

SUCH A BLESSING I SAY!

it was so nice to simply take these two days to relax and process all that has happened. to catch up on internet things after the paucity of emailing in india. i've been getting lots of things done (i.e. phd applications i.e. email-deliberating with my potential supervisor i.e. constant revision of my research proposal i.e. lots of work, and lots of nervousness! ee!), finally skyping and catching up with everyone, and sleeping 8 hours a night. yum.


work starts tomorrow, i am def looking forward to it... at the moment sorocaba feels only very foreign to me. i feel like i'm sort of just in the middle of nowhere, trying to feel connected to a place which on the onset simply feels ill-fitting (it's great! south america is just not my usual environment, portuguese not my usual foreign language - i'd feel more at home in kinshasa methinks :). so yes i am eager to just get going and meet the women i'm working with and feel more engaged in my environment....

....but only after some more watching of howards end and skyping with henry, elliot, and david* though :)

thanks to everyone for your nice comments! yay! much love to you all.


*ok, and toni too, obvs :)


and p.s. being on the back of a rickshaw? totally scary! i thought i was going to slip out multiple times. can you relate, ali?

i left berlin and cried at the airport. then i went to india and cried some more. and last night i got to brasil and cried one last time.

and by crying i mean so much has happened and so many things are utterly overwhelming in both good and bad ways. life is mad! let me begin to process through dumping some photos of india on ya'all.



half of the young champions group. there we are at the stage of the global maternal health conference we were in india for. so inspiring/overwhelming. everyone in this picture is from a different country - the group is so diverse, it's wonderful! from left to right, US, brazil, argentina, nigeria, kenya, ethiopia, canada, oman, iran. word.



so many rickshaw trips.







lots of men asked to take pictures with me. this was the only woman to ask - so i returned the favor, snapping one of her and carolina, one of the fellow young champions from brazil! yay!







this was the "street" to our hotel the last day. oh monsoon season!