I know I don't write on this blog much anymore, but I feel I should record (for my own posterity and memory), my feelings at being pregnant for the first time, given I'm now halfway through... a monumental thing indeed!
Thoughts, the first.
As the title of the post suggests, to me it's joy - joy, joy joy ! ! ! - that I have felt most these last 20 weeks. (Or rather, 14, considering I didn't find out til I was 6 weeks in :). And while I'm writing this and not Toni, I'd have to put him in that category too. As my belly has grown, our joy seems to exponentially increase. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love dear Toni these days, not only because he has done a million and one things daily for me to make sure I'm comfortable and healthy, but just to know that we have this whole, new and exciting life together that we cannot predict or really imagine as of now. Seeing the way he constantly cares for me, without being asked, and without complaint, I know how wonderful he'll be as a dad, and it makes me that much more grateful to be a co-parent with him to this darling little one (and then some, insha'Allah!).
When she heard I was expecting, a good friend of ours said 'until now, you've known only two dimensions of love, and now you're going to know a third.' So beautiful! I already feel such a growth in love even with the baby inside, both for this dear child and for Toni too, I can't fathom what that birthday will feel like.
Before you all write me off as a whacked out, idealistic pregnant woman, I know I know it will be hard. I know we won't sleep, I know parenthood turns your lives upside down and you're never the same. But that's what we want. That's why we're having kids. We've lived three decades for ourselves, our own interests and pursuits, it's time we turn our lives over to raising a child and building something larger than just our own lives. I get it, I get that I'll be tired and frustrated and at a loss - you don't need to remind me! (But people love to all the time.) I know the greatest joys I've known have been in times of struggle, when I'm doing hard things, and this hard thing will put the rest to shame. So wouldn't the joy, too? We're ready and prepared for the downs as well as the ups, even if we don't yet know how far down those downs will be. (So stop reminding me, random strangers I don't really know that well and the million begrudging parenting articles out there that say 'you have no idea'. Sheesh.)
Thoughts, the second.
It's no secret I've been working on maternal health for several years now, and when I discovered I was pregnant, just three weeks later I was supposed to fly to the DR Congo to conduct a survey of a pre-conception and ante-natal care project run by Handicap International in the environs of Kinshasa. I would have been 10 weeks pregnant, was already frightfully nauseated, and my GP wouldn't prescribe me with anti-malarials. My boss pulled the plug and sent someone else instead.
I was a bit devastated. I had really wanted to see DR Congo, and the project was fascinating. But I knew I would've been awful at the job, given how sick and tired I was, and ultimately, like my boss said: there's no use me, a maternal health patient, going to remote areas of the Congo to evaluate the very paucity of maternal health services.
It only reinforced to me again how important maternal care and support are, and how grossly unfair it is that I can arbitrarily choose to NOT be in a situation where I would be at risk, just because of my privileged birth in the US, and privileged home in the UK.
This connects with the thoughts above, that ultimately, this pregnancy is only reinforcing to me how very very critical it is that reproduction is chosen, not forced, and that the woman who must undergo the debilitating state of pregnancy, labour, postpartum, is adequately supported. Not just with medical care for any impending crisis (considering they remain the exception, not the rule), but also emotionally, socially, domestically... Toni is the ultimate house-husband these days, and I think of the women I work with who have no relief after conception. Their roles in domestic labour are as arduous as they were before, and the injustice of this is criminal.
At the same time, most African countries (Ethiopia included), allow women to rest 40 days post-birth, to recover her strength, to do NOTHING but learn to nurse that baby, while neighbours, relatives, husbands, take over her own care and all other domestic duties. How alone most women in Europe, in North America, feel post-birth! With a screaming baby, forced to 'snap back' to your old life, your old body. So just to say, we can all learn from the caring and support systems we've developed cross-nations. Can I have both? (With a husband like Toni, methinks yes. I AM SO DANG LUCKY I KNOW IT.)
Thoughts, the conclusion.
We're really, ridiculously happy. We have another ultrasound this week to check on babe's progress, and to see if we're having a boy or girl. I've been feeling those flutters, and 'quickening' of early baby movements for the last two weeks, and I can't wait to see our babe on that screen again! Whatever the outcome, whatever happens with this baby in the next 20 weeks and thereafter, I have been privileged to nurture him/her for these last five months, and my depth of love and feeling has increased. I've been cared and supported by a solid medical system + a solid group of friends, family and husband from day one, and gosh darn it if I will.not.stop working (in whatever capacity that may be, back at the UN? at an NGO? in academia?) on issues of maternal health globally to ensure that level of care is the norm, not a privileged exception.
The end.
Thoughts, the first.
As the title of the post suggests, to me it's joy - joy, joy joy ! ! ! - that I have felt most these last 20 weeks. (Or rather, 14, considering I didn't find out til I was 6 weeks in :). And while I'm writing this and not Toni, I'd have to put him in that category too. As my belly has grown, our joy seems to exponentially increase. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love dear Toni these days, not only because he has done a million and one things daily for me to make sure I'm comfortable and healthy, but just to know that we have this whole, new and exciting life together that we cannot predict or really imagine as of now. Seeing the way he constantly cares for me, without being asked, and without complaint, I know how wonderful he'll be as a dad, and it makes me that much more grateful to be a co-parent with him to this darling little one (and then some, insha'Allah!).
When she heard I was expecting, a good friend of ours said 'until now, you've known only two dimensions of love, and now you're going to know a third.' So beautiful! I already feel such a growth in love even with the baby inside, both for this dear child and for Toni too, I can't fathom what that birthday will feel like.
Before you all write me off as a whacked out, idealistic pregnant woman, I know I know it will be hard. I know we won't sleep, I know parenthood turns your lives upside down and you're never the same. But that's what we want. That's why we're having kids. We've lived three decades for ourselves, our own interests and pursuits, it's time we turn our lives over to raising a child and building something larger than just our own lives. I get it, I get that I'll be tired and frustrated and at a loss - you don't need to remind me! (But people love to all the time.) I know the greatest joys I've known have been in times of struggle, when I'm doing hard things, and this hard thing will put the rest to shame. So wouldn't the joy, too? We're ready and prepared for the downs as well as the ups, even if we don't yet know how far down those downs will be. (So stop reminding me, random strangers I don't really know that well and the million begrudging parenting articles out there that say 'you have no idea'. Sheesh.)
Thoughts, the second.
It's no secret I've been working on maternal health for several years now, and when I discovered I was pregnant, just three weeks later I was supposed to fly to the DR Congo to conduct a survey of a pre-conception and ante-natal care project run by Handicap International in the environs of Kinshasa. I would have been 10 weeks pregnant, was already frightfully nauseated, and my GP wouldn't prescribe me with anti-malarials. My boss pulled the plug and sent someone else instead.
I was a bit devastated. I had really wanted to see DR Congo, and the project was fascinating. But I knew I would've been awful at the job, given how sick and tired I was, and ultimately, like my boss said: there's no use me, a maternal health patient, going to remote areas of the Congo to evaluate the very paucity of maternal health services.
It only reinforced to me again how important maternal care and support are, and how grossly unfair it is that I can arbitrarily choose to NOT be in a situation where I would be at risk, just because of my privileged birth in the US, and privileged home in the UK.
This connects with the thoughts above, that ultimately, this pregnancy is only reinforcing to me how very very critical it is that reproduction is chosen, not forced, and that the woman who must undergo the debilitating state of pregnancy, labour, postpartum, is adequately supported. Not just with medical care for any impending crisis (considering they remain the exception, not the rule), but also emotionally, socially, domestically... Toni is the ultimate house-husband these days, and I think of the women I work with who have no relief after conception. Their roles in domestic labour are as arduous as they were before, and the injustice of this is criminal.
At the same time, most African countries (Ethiopia included), allow women to rest 40 days post-birth, to recover her strength, to do NOTHING but learn to nurse that baby, while neighbours, relatives, husbands, take over her own care and all other domestic duties. How alone most women in Europe, in North America, feel post-birth! With a screaming baby, forced to 'snap back' to your old life, your old body. So just to say, we can all learn from the caring and support systems we've developed cross-nations. Can I have both? (With a husband like Toni, methinks yes. I AM SO DANG LUCKY I KNOW IT.)
Thoughts, the conclusion.
We're really, ridiculously happy. We have another ultrasound this week to check on babe's progress, and to see if we're having a boy or girl. I've been feeling those flutters, and 'quickening' of early baby movements for the last two weeks, and I can't wait to see our babe on that screen again! Whatever the outcome, whatever happens with this baby in the next 20 weeks and thereafter, I have been privileged to nurture him/her for these last five months, and my depth of love and feeling has increased. I've been cared and supported by a solid medical system + a solid group of friends, family and husband from day one, and gosh darn it if I will.not.stop working (in whatever capacity that may be, back at the UN? at an NGO? in academia?) on issues of maternal health globally to ensure that level of care is the norm, not a privileged exception.
The end.
