strife and love

even when you know something is right, and are utterly calm and happy and UBER-excited about leaving for the airport in 1 hour, there is of course still a corresponding, very palpable element of sadness...

like when you see said picture:




or have several last lovely hurrahs with wonderful friends around the city, or receive incredibly kind and sincere statements of how you will be missed by friends, family, bosses...

and you know you really will be very, very far away from them all.

so just fyi, i'll miss everyone too oh so so much.


thanks for all the kindness and support,
see you in berlin!,

much love,

jooj.

at the end of my current unicef chapter, a few final thoughts on this bizarre world of international development

i'm staring down my last 2 days here at unicef house on 44th street in manhattan - with a meeting this afternoon on "can MDGs [millennium development goals] be achieved without greater equity?" and tomorrow a grand meeting of all unicef's hoi-poloi to finalize the organization's plan for haiti reconstruction before the SUPER grand meeting of the whole united nations on the same topic later on in the week.

all these technical updates/meetings/workshops i've been able to attend this last year have been by far the best aspect of my job at unicef - i would have never had access to such high-level discussions before, seeing how things actually work, how development theory is debated and put into practice by a UN agency. i have written on these topics again and again on this poor little blog from my desk here, venting frustration or bursts of thought that i can no longer channel into term papers or essays. so in the spirit of ending this chapter of my life, let me summarize what i've learned (if any of you care to take a gander at this LONG LONG post):



you see, i read this really interesting article, which discusses Harvard professor Lant Pritchett's ideas of how the aid industry/development world is like a piano recital: there are a lot of bad performances you have to sit through, but those mediocrities ultimately allow piano geniuses to rise up and shine. so, the point is that a lot of international development work is really ineffective, but that is to say it isn't all worthless, as certain stellar ideas and projects do build off the lessons learned from the mediocrity and ultimately do something worthwhile and brilliant.

now this is potentially problematic to me for many reasons, but also a really good way to describe what i saw at unicef: there is a whole heap-load of bureaucratic machinery going on in this building, and also in the UNDP building across the street. there are thousands of employees working in these two agencies alone (not to mention USAID, CIDA, SIDA, WFP, WHO, DFID, I could go on...), many of whom do nothing but perpetuate said-machinery. which is very disheartening. BUT it is as Pritchett says: there really are certain pockets of brilliance hidden amidst all that.

one such is unicef's support of the senegalese-based NGO, TOSTAN. a few weeks ago, the founder of TOSTAN came to unicef offices, along with marietou diarra, a woman from rural senegal who went through a TOSTAN-run community women's empowerment programme and has since become a prominent and incredibly effective anti-female genital cutting (FGC) advocate in the country. she lost 2 young daughters to the procedure, and now travels around from village to village, opening up the dialogue with other women (and men) on what their experiences have been with FGC, and why this tradition persists, despite the universal health risks and damage it inflicts on women and young girls.

marietou is part of a legion of women TOSTAN has educated and now supports as grassroots advocates, and through their efforts, an estimated 85% of villages in senegal have now abandoned female genital cutting.

85%.

this is utterly astounding. listening to marietou speak and weep as she told of her experience and how her life has dramatically improved was so empowering and invigorating that i was able to say, yes, aid and international development do in a certain sense work - but just like Pritchett says, it works at the same time that a vast hoarde of failed efforts go forward.

the problem is getting rid of all those failed efforts, streamlining the bureaucratic machinery: because honestly, is it all really necessary? but then again, with the frailty inherent in human functions, i doubt it is possible that every development effort will end up like TOSTAN. nothing in life works that way. and yet! why do so many continue to sit comfortably or complacently as cogs in these development wheels? we all (people who work in this field, that is) need to be much more vigilant in ensuring that we cut out the chaff and lift up those organizations or individuals who have real potential to alleviate suffering and institute sustainable change towards poverty reduction. (viz. people like marietou diarra.)

and there you have it, a year at unicef distilled into one blogpost. i could keep going on and write a novel about it all, really. and if i keep going this post will soon be one. so! if you're intersted/curious and would like to discuss more, let's please skype whilst i'm in berlin.

otherwise, FIN.

overheard

i was in the met tonight, admiring a particularly fine turner, when all of a sudden a man approached me and said, with no preface whatsoever,

"are you german?"



HA. i take it as a good omen :)

why moms are the best.

1. they march through soho to pearl river while you're at work to scout out some new lovely chinese hair-sticks (to make lovely buns) for their daughter. (also picking up some posh pink baby fabric for their really cute granddaughter.)

2. they don't complain when they have to sleep on a very cheap, small bed with very cheap pillows in a noisy harlem apartment.

3. they buy levain cookies for you for breakfast everyday.

4. they will trek all over the city with you just so you can have almondine macarons and dokebi soondubu jigaes one last time before leaving the city.

5. they take you to movies you didn't see because you've been saving all your pennies for berlin.

6. they insist you go to the frick to visit sir thomas more.

7. they lug 3 boxes of books with you to the post office to ship off to utah, and will then pick said boxes up from maggie's house and lug them up to sundance.

8. in addition to all that lugging, they take a big rolling suitcase back with them all the way on the A train and airtrain and jet blue flight.

9. they are incredibly supportive of your somewhat mad decision to give up life and job in new york to move to berlin.

10. and why dads are the best: they work really hard so we can have all that fun and eat all those levain cookies. and call every night and are very comforting and loving.

i am so grateful for my parents. they are the best. can't wait until they come to berlin and visit me (and nefertiti) in june :)

love you!

it's really happening folks

i now have an official room in an official berlin apartment with my absolute FAVORITE official berlin graffiti on it. !!!
see?:




only in berlin do you get to live in an apartment building with a HUGE astronaut painted on the side. and my room overlooks the park pictured here. LOADS better than the gray, noisy apartment well i gaze onto now.

and with a room twice as big for half the rent?
with a washing machine in the apartment?
with heinrichplatz and all its kreuzberg cafe goodness below?
and with dear toni less than 10 minutes away?!

oh heavens i'm ready to go yesterday.*
hu-zzah indeed :)

*no i take that back: i'm ready to go wednesday afternoon, right after mom leaves. it's positively wonderful having her here. i love you mom :)

if you'd like to know what it's like to go to oxford,

do listen to this, the annual isaiah berlin lecture at st antony's college, podcast on itunes u.

just finished listening and oh oh oh the nostalgia... i laughed so hard in the first 5 minutes... the posh accents, the name dropping, allusions to colleges and college suppers, quotes in latin, personal relationships to intellectual powerhouses dropped in anecdotes, insanely diffused semantic discussions.

oh oxford! how bizarre and unique you are! such a dying, removed world it seems. and yet! how impatient i am to go back. i mean look:

this is where i cycled daily:

this is where i could have dinner with friends on an average evening:

under this dome is where i studied:

and this cape-like thing is what i wore on a regular basis to dinners and exams:

I MEAN REALLY.

there were extra cornbread muffins from a seminar this morning

and i wish i could have spread the bounty to all of you, because they were amazing, and because you are amazing, so yes, naturally perfect pairing.

but honestly, thank you for all your kind words. heavens! they were so so lovely to read. i do have trouble with the insane narcissism of this blog, but so happy that it provides such an easy way to connect to so many dear ones who are much too far away.

so thank you all. just so you know, it is just as leslie wrote, that the right decision is the one you are at peace with. and both toni and i are quite at peace with this one. it is only when i stare at the other possibilities (i.e. staying and working here on previously-explained awesome job) that i get very tumultuous and doubtful inside and i question everything and end up feeling awful. when i remember that i am going to berlin, that i will in fact be able to eat ice cream with toni everyday, i feel very warm. so in 3 weeks time, that is exactly what i'll be doing. unemployed, attempting to learn german, eating ice cream, and hugging toni. not half bad if you ask me :)

and to move on to other things that don't involve me,

lincoln and mimi are having a boy!!! the gender ratio in our family is getting all off! but i love the thought of these 3 new little cousins growing up to be best friends. yay for cuddly baby boys :)

ali is awesome and getting involved in the grassroots effort to change sex offender laws in california after the awful chelsea king murder which happened near her home in san diego. read her blog and email Assemblymember.Fletcher@outreach.assembly.ca.gov to get on a mailing list if you'd like to be more involved. (btw, ali also got into YALE. yes, she is that amazing.)

oh, and stella has really really cute feet, in case you forgot :)


much love to you all,
jooj.

on a lighter note...

i saw actor jason schwartzman FOR THE THIRD TIME today.

first time he was walking next to me texting in dumbo.

second time he was buying lunch with me.

third time he's with ted danson, filming that new show they're in.


i officially have a celebrity stalker now, ja?

oh, new york.


(p.s. methinks now is as good a time as any to get out of the united nations anyway...)

at the still point of the turning world.

oh life decisions! oh such fun and delight, oui? these crossroads, these choices and paths to be taken.

i know i had vaguely mentioned before that unicef wanted me to stay on - that i rejected their offer in favor of moving to berlin, unemployed, not speaking german.

well. this afternoon the full weight of this was crushed down on me as my very kind and wonderful boss sat me down for a full hour, asking me if i was absolutely sure that i wanted to leave. she described how difficult it will be to find my replacement, how nervous it makes her to "give me up" - and then has tasked me with starting the recruiting process to find said replacement. within this process i must write up the consultant's terms of reference/job description. would you like to know what it entails?

oh yes, it entails 11 2-week visits to various unicef country offices over the next year, to locations as diverse as indonesia, tajikistan, congo, and vietnam (to name but a few). on the country visits the consultant will undertake considerable research and evaluation of unicef's partnerships with community-based and national civil society organizations, then return to new york and write reports and guidance for unicef on how to increase the efficacy of partnerships for its mission to ensure basic services like health, nutrition, and education to impoverished children worldwide.

i have built the foundation for this fantastic position over the last year: i've paid the dues in the new york cubicle, and my replacement will reap many of the benefits.

and my boss is begging me to stay. (i really say none of this to brag, but just to emphasize how hard it is for me to say, again and again, no - i cannot stay.)

in case you're wondering, toni is in a similar predicament, just on a different timeline. you see, his current contract in berlin ends in december. after that point he had promised me to move anywhere i so wished. his boss wants him to stay with the same desperation as my own. she has even gone to her superiors, saying they'll need to make toni a much better offer if he's going to stay. but no, he will not, because he (and i) are quite certain that the best place for us right now is not berlin - while it will do until december, he knows it's not my home the way it is his, and he's consenting to give up a higher, glamorous position in order to go wherever i deem appropriate for us to land.

oh le sigh. i remind myself again and again that these seeming-sacrifices are not sacrifices at all, considering a job should never be the first priority, that toni and i are both trying to work towards something with quite a bit more importance. something much more fulfilling. because i know if i stayed in new york, travelling around the world and writing more guidance notes for unicef's programming, there would be an inherent vacuous-ness to it all - i know a part of me would feel empty. it's the emptiness i feel when i think of forging off on my own on such a path. it's not totally bad - it could be very good, but i am asking for something more.

and so yes, when people ask (as they always do), "what will you be doing in berlin?" there is a momentary sting of knowing what i will not be doing - and on top of that there is the plain and simple truth that i have no idea what i will be doing. and i'm always greeted with skeptical glances and incredulous well-wishes (which really doesn't help me that much). BUT. this is the decision i have made and i think it would be nothing but foolishness to choose a job over all the rest - all the possibility that is inherent in me being in berlin, being with toni.

sorry for the very personal (and uber-long!!) post. (toni, i hope it's ok with you that i wrote it :) it's just the end of the workday, i've come out of that meeting and i needed a bit of a vent.

and would you not agree that as fantastic as a job is, it is not the end-all? even if giving it up means plunging into an uncertain future? i would love other thoughts on the matter if you could spare a moment... has anyone else been in a similar position?

towards an expanded view of feminism*

yesterday i attended a really, really fantastic workshop/meeting at work about reaching out to men and boys in the fight towards gender equality. the workshop left me feeling incredibly warm and inspired, and confirmed that any good idea for development/poverty reduction/human rights is something we have to first adopt in the home and family setting if anything at all is going to change.

so let me explain. by change, i mean reversing the gross abuses levelled against humanity based on economic status and gender: one such example yesterday (that left me FULL of warmth and inspiration), was the testimony of the (male) MP from uganda who took the anti-female genital cutting bill under his wing and hurtled it into law with a 100% passing rate. his experience touches on so many basic realities: that men are by and large the ones in power (over 70% of uganda's parliament are male), that men listen better to men, and that if injustices levelled against women are going to be conquered, we need as many men enlisted in the fight alongside female activists. how do you stop violence against women unless the majority of the perpetrators are engaged in the debate? we need strong women, yes of course - but we also need strong men. men who are attune to what is happening, and who have a more rounded and comfortable view of gender to understand that masculinity does not mean distance, emotional stuntedness, and power through violence - but that empathy, kindness, compassion and understanding are the strongest qualities a man can have. really think of how revolutionary that is - i can't imagine if that gender construct were actually adopted or popularized - and yet think of how much suffering it would erase if we actually embraced it?

i feel so lucky to have had such amazing men in my own family: when my (female) friends and i planned that anti-violence against women campaign at byu years ago, my brother lincoln was one of the loudest voices at the rally, helping pass out fliers and telling me simply: "unless men stop doing this, it's not going to stop." he even volunteered at a woman's shelter in provo. i mean really. he's amazing.

and dad! i mean, c'mon. one of the speakers at the workshop, head of the white ribbon campaign (men against violence against women), spoke about the socialization of gender norms that happens at the most fundamental neurological levels from when we are just infants. and he asked, very poignantly, how boys are supposed to grow up with a clear view of masculinity when men are by-and-large missing from their infant-toddler-childhoods? when men and fathers are absent, how easy is it for the boy to grow up thinking that being a man means being remote, aloof - communicating and getting close only through violent or emotionally-shallow means?

this makes so much basic sense when examining the cultures where fathers are absent, and where violence prevails. how important to have women and men equally raising babies with their sponge-like brains, soaking up all examples around them - and how AMAZING to see my brothers, brothers-in-law and father and their crucial examples of this very form of child-rearing.

if we are to improve the world at all, particularly the world in all its harshness to women, we need to begin in our own homes to promote the qualities of empathy and understanding. to work together, men and women - equally important forces in the fight. i'm not sure how to end this but to say that i love the men in my life for being so kind and supportive and wonderful examples. i wish more boys grew up with such fathers so cycles of violence could actually end. and i wish more women understood how important it is to engage men in a constructive way. i wish that feminism was not defined in such a limited way, but that we could all say we believed in the parity of the sexes, equality in the context of difference, that we all have something to contribute to help heal our communities riddled with gender-based violence and discrimination. too many sex-selective abortions, forced marriages, honor killings, and routine domestic violence occur around the world for us to say the fight feminism began decades ago is now over.

*ok ok, i may or may not have read cjane's post on my lunch hour. this is sort of my response :)

miscellaneous variables that irk and delight

irk:

- i am now sharing my room for the next 2 weeks, with the girl who is replacing me when i move away. (she had to move into our apartment early due to a gap between her former lease and taking over my own. wilkommen in new york!) she is very nice, but also intense with very, very little sense of personal space. oh, sigh sigh sigh.

- wearing my green winter coat ONE MORE DAY may kill me.

- my desk is still grey, and sitting in front of my computer in this little cube still swallows the majority of my day.

- toni is no longer here :(

- all things combine to make me feel SO DONE with my current living situation. new york? still charming. gray work environment for 4 more weeks + cramped apartment w/ no privacy = hello, berlin!

- that being said, another irk: german prepositions. AH why are they the hardest thing to master in any language?! and throw in cases?! GAH.

BUT! delight!:

- my work-mate gave me a gorgeous tulip today, symbol of spring, symbol of the soon-to-be warm weather in my new soon-to-be home of berlin.

- listening to wnyc's classical station while at said grey desk, it is utterly lovely and gavin bryer's "the south downs" just played and i nearly floated away from everything.

- mom is coming in 2 weeks! yay! :)

- did i mention that toni in all his kindness hauled a VERY HEAVY suitcase of dresses and books all the way back to berlin for me? this makes my own load SO much lighter. oh, toni.

- did i further mention that mom offered to do the same? moving cross-continents with stringent air berlin baggage allowances calls for considerable aid from loved ones in the form of taking an extra suitcase back on their flights. ah, the kindness and love!

- mcnally jackson tonight + free talk at tenement museum tomorrow night + met opera thursday night = delightful new york city wonder.

hope your delights win out over your irks today :)

much love to you all,

an overly irritable [and trunky] version of myself.